Well, here I am again. Frustrated, lonely, thinking about my R too much. Seems like I find myself here every three weeks. At the tail end of a drought of interaction with H. Again I haven't hear from him in a couple weeks. I was really hoping he would call last weekend, since he mentioned a while ago that he was getting a hotel room to get off the ship for a couple days. An ideal time for him to call without having people in the background. But, nothing.
In the recent past, H has called just as I start to really get depressed about the lack of interaction. Then I'm good for another week. Then a week passes without hearing from him (email or phone) and I start to go down. And a week later I'm really angry, frustrated, full of doubts about this R. Then he finally calls. I wonder how much longer this will go on.
I have told myself that there are all kinds of reasons he may not be able to call. Too busy at work, ship is out to sea...But, when he finally called (or I called him) and I hint at how busy he might have been, he just says not really.
I wonder at this point, how concerned I should be about who calls who. I have called him several times since we saw each other last Thanksgiving. But, his schedule is unpredictable, and my messages don't usually get to him. Meanwhile my schedule is practically unchanging and mind numbingly repetative.
I am going away by myself this weekend. I need to be away from my current life for a few days. Unfortunately, I have to come back to it. I am leaving my son and dog with my mom and driving a few hours up north where I will stay by myself in a luxury sweet with a jacuzzi and view of the lake. I plan to sleep in, read a good fiction book, soak in the jacuzzi, take a couple nice naps, and maybe browse the local shops.
I guess I'll end up calling H tonight, the last night before I leave. A big part of me really wants HIM to call ME. I want HIM to be the one to need to hear MY voice. But, if I want to hear from him before I leave this weekend, I guess I'm going to have to dial myself.
It's not that he doesn't express how much he loves and misses me when he DOES contact me. It's just that it's hard to always believe that he does miss me when he makes so little effort to communicate. And I really don't believe that he is cheating, but when he goes this long without so much as leaving a message on my machine, my mind goes there. Anyone's would at this point, I think. H has displayed text book affair behavior since the first day I realized something was seriously wrong. I asked twice while we were in the process of splitting, but he said no. And I believed him. I actually think there was less chance of him having an affair back then, because he seemed too shut down to respond to anyone. Plus, it's just not his style. But, how many people who have been cheated on have said that? Now I can't help but wonder how long even my H can go without any intimacy.
Maybe if we were having intimate phone conversations I wouldn't be letting my mind wonder like this. I might feel like his (and my) needs were being met at least some degree. But, phone sex is SO hard to initiate when he's got guys talking in the background and I have a 3 year old screaming and pulling at me. Plus, it's something I'd really have to coax myself into because it seems so awkward.
Well, on that note...I have to get off the computer and get ready for one more day at the grind before I get my weekend.
