Well, here I am again. Frustrated, lonely, thinking about my R too much. Seems like I find myself here every three weeks. At the tail end of a drought of interaction with H. Again I haven't hear from him in a couple weeks. I was really hoping he would call last weekend, since he mentioned a while ago that he was getting a hotel room to get off the ship for a couple days. An ideal time for him to call without having people in the background. But, nothing.
In the recent past, H has called just as I start to really get depressed about the lack of interaction. Then I'm good for another week. Then a week passes without hearing from him (email or phone) and I start to go down. And a week later I'm really angry, frustrated, full of doubts about this R. Then he finally calls. I wonder how much longer this will go on.
I have told myself that there are all kinds of reasons he may not be able to call. Too busy at work, ship is out to sea...But, when he finally called (or I called him) and I hint at how busy he might have been, he just says not really.
I wonder at this point, how concerned I should be about who calls who. I have called him several times since we saw each other last Thanksgiving. But, his schedule is unpredictable, and my messages don't usually get to him. Meanwhile my schedule is practically unchanging and mind numbingly repetative.
I am going away by myself this weekend. I need to be away from my current life for a few days. Unfortunately, I have to come back to it. I am leaving my son and dog with my mom and driving a few hours up north where I will stay by myself in a luxury sweet with a jacuzzi and view of the lake. I plan to sleep in, read a good fiction book, soak in the jacuzzi, take a couple nice naps, and maybe browse the local shops.
I guess I'll end up calling H tonight, the last night before I leave. A big part of me really wants HIM to call ME. I want HIM to be the one to need to hear MY voice. But, if I want to hear from him before I leave this weekend, I guess I'm going to have to dial myself.
It's not that he doesn't express how much he loves and misses me when he DOES contact me. It's just that it's hard to always believe that he does miss me when he makes so little effort to communicate. And I really don't believe that he is cheating, but when he goes this long without so much as leaving a message on my machine, my mind goes there. Anyone's would at this point, I think. H has displayed text book affair behavior since the first day I realized something was seriously wrong. I asked twice while we were in the process of splitting, but he said no. And I believed him. I actually think there was less chance of him having an affair back then, because he seemed too shut down to respond to anyone. Plus, it's just not his style. But, how many people who have been cheated on have said that? Now I can't help but wonder how long even my H can go without any intimacy.
Maybe if we were having intimate phone conversations I wouldn't be letting my mind wonder like this. I might feel like his (and my) needs were being met at least some degree. But, phone sex is SO hard to initiate when he's got guys talking in the background and I have a 3 year old screaming and pulling at me. Plus, it's something I'd really have to coax myself into because it seems so awkward.
Well, on that note...I have to get off the computer and get ready for one more day at the grind before I get my weekend.
The weekend was just fine. Very nice jacuzzi. I can't tell you how much I miss the sounds of waves and gulls. It was a little windy, but sunny. Lovely. I could just about settle on Lake Superior. In the summer anyway! I went out to a locals restaurant/bar and was gaurded and prepared to take my meal to go. It was a tiny unincorporated village kind of place. But, the bar tender was so nice to me I decided to stay and eat in the company of other humans. I guess I've just come to expect the local clique mentality. It's nice to be proven wrong!
I did hear from H on Saturday night. We talked for a long while and it was more affectionate than we usually manage because I was much more relaxed without the monster child pulling on me (read "apple of my eye"). But, we didn't talk long enough for me to feel comfortable enough to initiate some more intimate talk. He was on a break from work anyway.
Speaking of work. I've got to get back to that. I'm way behind, yet at the same time bored. What does that say?
Well, it's a very bad night. It's one of those moments where I think I'm in over my head and I can't handle everything on my own. Nothing to do with my R, but I think I may have just lost my dog.
I put him outside on the lead while I was settling S3 in for bed. The fence was supposed to go in tomorrow, but the fencing guy put it off a week. But, it's so hard to manage S3 and a humungous dog by myself in this little house, that I've resorted to putting the dog outside on the lead while things settle down in the house.
S3 was finally going down and I was getting very sleepy so I got up and went outside to bring my dog in. I've had this dog for 8 years and through all my cross country moves during that time. Before my M and before my son. When I went outside the clip on the lead was just lying in the dirt. I walked around and around the block and called for him, but I can't leave site of my house with S3 sleeping. People were in and out of their houses and cars were coming and going. I started crying but I didn't knock on any doors or stop anyone to ask if they'd seen my dog. I started to have this panic attack about how mean everyone is here and how much they don't like me or my dog. How crazy is that? It's not rational, but it isn't entirely unfounded either.
I'm scared, and mainly that my neighbor may have taken my dog and done something to him. I have one nice, if odd ball neigbor, and one very horribly nasty neigbor. I tried to catch his eye when I first moved here, but he would never look my way. And the only time he has spoken to me was to yell at me, with his teenage sons, and my son, present because my dog had pooped in his yard. And yes, my dog did. My fault, because I was letting my dog run around off the lead and was watching my son and not the dog. But, I would have expected someone to just point that out, matter of factly to me, so I would know to pick it up. Not to berate me infront of his and my children. I have no idea what this man's name even is. His wife and children seem especially timid and run inside whenever I walk from my car to the house. I've had images of coming home to police cars and finding out this man has done away with his family and being asked if I'd seen any signs.
Anyway, I know this guy hates my dog. And I'm paranoid about the neigborhood now, because the only person to smile at me here, is from out of the area. Another non Native like myself. And I'm running through my head the possibilities of how my dog could have gotten off the lead. I've accidentally clipped the lead onto the weak metal ring that keeps his ID tag on his collar, instead of the collar ring itself. But, I looked all around and didn't see his ID tag on the ground anywhere. He's slipped his collar before too. But, there is no collar left behind. I really hope he has his ID tag on still. But no one has called. I keep perking up anytime a car drives by outside, but no one is stopping to drop him off.
This feels so awful. My dog was getting on my last nerves. Without the fence he had to stay inside our little house all day while I was at work. Then when I got home, my son rarely wanted to come with me to take the dog for a walk, so he didn't even get exercise while we were at home. He has been bored, frustrated, and misbehaving. I have thought so many times since I had to move and take on the single parent thing, that I really need to lighten my load, i.e. the dog. But, he is my obligation. I committed to him when I got him from the SPCA. He isn't the kind of dog many people are going to want to adopt at this late stage in his life. He has almost become my barometer for if I can keep things together or not.
If I can get through this without having to take my dog to the pound, than I am keeping things together. Now I think I've really screwed up and let him get loose. I hope to God he is just roaming the streets (not getting hit tonight even though he is black and not very smart), and hasn't been taken by someone. Even if someone would take him to the Humane Society, that would be good. I've taken him to dog wash fundraisers there twice before. They know him, he would be safe, and I can call in the morning. I really have no reasonable reason to think my nasty neigbor has taken him. But, they guy scares me too much to even go over there and ask. My dog is such a wuss. He's a hundred pound momma's boy and I've spoiled him.
Well, I know I'm not sleeping much tonight. I've gotta go downstairs and check around outside somemore. I feel so awful. I'm so scared for that stupid dog. I screwed up!
Oh Opti, big hugs to you. You're dog has been with you all these years, there's a good chance he's just enjoying his freedom for a little while and he'll be scratching at the door any minute now.
How about sending neighbors a card or pick them some fresh flowers coming up in the spring? some kind of ice breaker, and they'll see what a nice person you are.
((((opti))))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I know you didn't make my dog come home...but, how did you know he was going to so fast!!!!!
I haven't cried this hard since the days when I was sure H was gone for good. I heard my S3 sigh in his sleep in the other room and I thought it was my dog. I sat up right, thinking I was going crazy. Maybe I had already brought my dog in and forgot. I AM losing my mind. It's only a matter of degrees.
It wasn't my dog, of course. But, I did go downstairs for one more look outside. I heard a jingle and started whistling, and sure enough my dog showed up. He stopped short of the pateau because he fully expected me to beat the living cr@p out of him. But, I was so relieved all I could manage was a weak "what the hell have you been doing, idiot dog?" I let him slink inside and wrapped my arms around his big old barrel chest. Usually he would pull away from that kind of long restrictive embrace, but he just stood there. Probably happy I wasn't pummeling him.
Tomorrow I'm going to ask my mom if I can keep him over at her house (she has a nice fenced in yard) until my fence goes in. Now that I'm sure the dog has truly pissed off every nieghbor this side on the interstate.
So it IS a Good Morning!! I may not know much about R and M stuff, but I can sure relate to losing a dog. There's just something about being able to bury your face in their big fluffy hair and cry, and they stoically sit and let you know it's okay. You know how mad you get because they do something wrong? You probably know this, but here's a tip. If you call and call and they don't come, and then you call some more and they finally sulk up to you, and you whack 'em for being so slow, why would they want to come the next time? Make being with you the most pleasant experience of their day. Just like you did, you wrapped your arms around him and showed him love. Same thing with horses, sometimes they are hard to catch, but when you do finally catch them, soft rubbing on their neck and calm soothing words go a lot futher for the next time you want to catch them. They do remember.
Wouldn't it be great if it was that easy to get a H back in our arms?
Have a great day, Opti! Hug your dog, and your kid too!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm hurting today, but I'm glad it turned out all right. Except that I probably haven't made any of my neigbors any more friendly at this point.
Nicole-I did't know you were still around! I looked up some of your recent posts and see you haven't been updating your thread for the same reason I haven't been. Nothing new to report...The status quo just seems to drag on FOREVER, doesn't it? Then BAM! Life changes in the blink of an eye.
I'm too bored by myself to even post in my own thread!
I'm still around here almost every day reading and jumping in other's threads that catch my attention. In my spare time I enjoy lighting my lawn on fire like I did last night! My public service announcement of the day is to not burn boxes when it's windy and the ground is still covered with last fall's leaves.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
