Quote: Did you like Alaska? how long were you there?
Little did you know these simple questions would put me face to face with a brick wall, huh? I've actually been thinking about your question for days and had to push it out of my head to get sleep last night.
The short answer is that I loved Alaska. When I was in the military, Alaska was my first unit. Then I went back, this time following my H as a dependent. Both times I was only there for about 6 months.
Not only did I like the land (well, winter kind of sucks, but summer is AWESOME!), but when I followed H to Alaska I fell into an unbelievable career opportunity. It has been my dream to make my living as a writer since I was five years old. When I got to Alaska (the second time) I was on an island. There was a strong demand for freelance journalism on the fishing industry and I met some great contacts who took me under their wing. I ended up writing for trade journals, newspapers, and radio. It was incredible and it seemed that after so much professional misery in the military I was going to really make it in my life's work. And I have ALWAYS wanted to combine my passions and my career-just like you obviously do, WCW.
But, while all this was happening, my H was leaving me. Everyday I was struggling with the huge decision of "do I stay or do I go." It took 5 months after H stopped coming home to finally admit that I needed help emothionally and logistically and I needed to be where family was.
I was falling apart at the seams, and the thing was that all my writing endeavors required me to keep myself motivated. I couldn't just get dressed and show up at the office and go through the motions of the day. I had to produce on deadline or that was that. It took some time to give up what I had going. And on the night that I called my mom to tell her I was flying out of there I was interupted by a phone call from the island's small community college. They wanted me to come teach-another dream.
But, I knew I couldn't hold it together. I was convinced my M was over. I was so scared. I didn't know what I could depend on H for financially. He turned out to not fail me in that regard. But, how was I to know that then when he had destroyed all the assumptions I had of him. But, I still wonder from time to time. Could I have made it? Should I have stayed? The more time goes by, the more I think that I could have made it IF I'd been reading the DR book from the time H stopped coming home. And maybe I could have averted this whole thing. And maybe I could be really on my way to making a living at my life's work.
And thinking about it KILLS me. It is going to be the single biggest obstacle to letting go and forgiving. Last night I was laying in bed thinking how backwards it is that I can fogrive H for saying "we have no possible future" and for all his convincingly cruel, attacking words. But when I think about the opportunity I could have had...I just cringe and feel sick to my stomache. This is going to be HARD to get over.
I think the one way that would make it easier to let go is if I had another chance. If where I went with him next, I was able to make more great contacts like I did in Alaska and get back into writing about the maritime industry. (And I know many would say I should go after this wherever I am, but it really is a matter of your physical location and northwestern Wisconsin isn't the place to be for what I want to write about.) But, focusing only on that, instead of being careful for the challenging transition our family was making was my part of the break down in the M.
During our melt down H accused me of being too ambitious and putting career infront of the family. Which seemed like an odd criticism coming from a man who was leaving the family because work was too stressful. To me it felt like he suddenly wanted to "put me in my place" as the new house mom. But that had never been my intention when I left the military. The more he accused me of being too ambitious the more I felt he threatened my independence and the more I struck out to succeed in my work. And it also just felt like he was so unhappy there in Alaska that he couldn't stand to see me doing something I liked. If he said anything about the compliments I was getting (from some really respected places) it was just to put them and me down.
God, this is so upsetting to think about. Everything can be going great and then I think of this and I want to start crying. I don't even like to write about. I guess that means I've hit on something I need to come to terms with. I would love to have a respectful conversation/email with H about this issue to put it to bed. I'd like to think that I can go after my dream career without it threatening him. I'd like to think it's just a matter of outside issues getting in the way. Maybe this will be a goal for down the road.
