opti, that's cool, your H wishes he could put it on your finger. I'll say it too, aaawwwwww.
You have the upside of the long distance so you can let yourself have those feelings and emotions, and you can be totally different in email than it would be face to face. Think of that as an advantage, even though you would prefer to be together. It's tough either way. But you have turned the corner with your H, he is making the right moves. So different than last fall, isn't it? Cool for you.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Becca, no worries. I have gotten all turned around on these baords too!
WCW-
Quote: You have the upside of the long distance so you can let yourself have those feelings and emotions, and you can be totally different in email than it would be face to face. Think of that as an advantage
Oh, I agree! It certainly is an advantage. Of course, it is not the ideal. But for me, it has definately had it's pay offs. I can have a horrible day and not worry that I'm going to blow it by letting it effect my interactions with H. It's a lot easier to fake upbeat in an email. AND I can always choose to NOT email him at all.
Quote: you have turned the corner with your H, he is making the right moves. So different than last fall, isn't it?
Oh yeah it is. Just amazing. I'm hoping to get to that place where I can say what happened was an anomoly (sp?) not part of his basic behavior that I have to always be on guard for. But, that probably won't come until we've been living together for a while again. So, several years from now.
Just before H stopped coming home I told someone that, as a couple, H and I did very well apart for long periods of time. I meant a few weeks or even a month or so at a time while he was underway. Little did I know, I was facing forever apart. Now we've split and aparently come back together again (if not actually living together), and I find myself thinking that same thing...H and I do very well apart for long periods of time....
Again, it's not the ideal. I miss him terribly. S3 misses him. And it would be so much easier to even have a partner around part of the time. And I've heard so many DBers say it's always better to be living with your spouse than to separate, even temporarily.
But, after 6 months of next to no contact with H, he somehow decided he couldn't file after telling me we had no possible future together. And that was before I even knew what DBing was. And somehow after another 9 months of just emails and a rare phone call, he found his way back to being my H again.
I remember just before I was leaving to join H is Alaska at his new unit, I was worried about how angry H had been acting about re-entering the military. I told my friend that I was considering not moving to be with him right away. Maybe even not joining him at all. My friend said not to entertain those thoughts because the separation would tear apart our marriage. In the end, when it came time to move, I wanted to do anything I could do get where he was again. And once we were reunited, that's when the sh!t hit the fan.
We do this separation thing as well as it can be done. I certainly miss him like crazy, and wouldn't be OK with living apart any longer than was necessary. But, I'm WELL aware that there's difficulty up ahead when we try living together again.
But, I should report that we may be close to reaching one of the new goals I set. That's a weekly phone call from/to H. So far, he has seemed MUCH more willing to call in the new house. Reason #6 million for getting a place of my own!!!
You are very wise, recognizing problems ahead when you're together. You've got plenty of time to think about it.
Quote: And I've heard so many DBers say it's always better to be living with your spouse than to separate, even temporarily
I've always thought so, but it is NOT easy, either way. I can never figure out if absence makes the heart grow fonder, or if it's out of sight, out of mind. I don't know which applies to me. I just keep hoping and waiting for my H to wake up and come back, like so many others write about. sigh.
Did you like Alaska? how long were you there?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: Did you like Alaska? how long were you there?
Little did you know these simple questions would put me face to face with a brick wall, huh? I've actually been thinking about your question for days and had to push it out of my head to get sleep last night.
The short answer is that I loved Alaska. When I was in the military, Alaska was my first unit. Then I went back, this time following my H as a dependent. Both times I was only there for about 6 months.
Not only did I like the land (well, winter kind of sucks, but summer is AWESOME!), but when I followed H to Alaska I fell into an unbelievable career opportunity. It has been my dream to make my living as a writer since I was five years old. When I got to Alaska (the second time) I was on an island. There was a strong demand for freelance journalism on the fishing industry and I met some great contacts who took me under their wing. I ended up writing for trade journals, newspapers, and radio. It was incredible and it seemed that after so much professional misery in the military I was going to really make it in my life's work. And I have ALWAYS wanted to combine my passions and my career-just like you obviously do, WCW.
But, while all this was happening, my H was leaving me. Everyday I was struggling with the huge decision of "do I stay or do I go." It took 5 months after H stopped coming home to finally admit that I needed help emothionally and logistically and I needed to be where family was.
I was falling apart at the seams, and the thing was that all my writing endeavors required me to keep myself motivated. I couldn't just get dressed and show up at the office and go through the motions of the day. I had to produce on deadline or that was that. It took some time to give up what I had going. And on the night that I called my mom to tell her I was flying out of there I was interupted by a phone call from the island's small community college. They wanted me to come teach-another dream.
But, I knew I couldn't hold it together. I was convinced my M was over. I was so scared. I didn't know what I could depend on H for financially. He turned out to not fail me in that regard. But, how was I to know that then when he had destroyed all the assumptions I had of him. But, I still wonder from time to time. Could I have made it? Should I have stayed? The more time goes by, the more I think that I could have made it IF I'd been reading the DR book from the time H stopped coming home. And maybe I could have averted this whole thing. And maybe I could be really on my way to making a living at my life's work.
And thinking about it KILLS me. It is going to be the single biggest obstacle to letting go and forgiving. Last night I was laying in bed thinking how backwards it is that I can fogrive H for saying "we have no possible future" and for all his convincingly cruel, attacking words. But when I think about the opportunity I could have had...I just cringe and feel sick to my stomache. This is going to be HARD to get over.
I think the one way that would make it easier to let go is if I had another chance. If where I went with him next, I was able to make more great contacts like I did in Alaska and get back into writing about the maritime industry. (And I know many would say I should go after this wherever I am, but it really is a matter of your physical location and northwestern Wisconsin isn't the place to be for what I want to write about.) But, focusing only on that, instead of being careful for the challenging transition our family was making was my part of the break down in the M.
During our melt down H accused me of being too ambitious and putting career infront of the family. Which seemed like an odd criticism coming from a man who was leaving the family because work was too stressful. To me it felt like he suddenly wanted to "put me in my place" as the new house mom. But that had never been my intention when I left the military. The more he accused me of being too ambitious the more I felt he threatened my independence and the more I struck out to succeed in my work. And it also just felt like he was so unhappy there in Alaska that he couldn't stand to see me doing something I liked. If he said anything about the compliments I was getting (from some really respected places) it was just to put them and me down.
God, this is so upsetting to think about. Everything can be going great and then I think of this and I want to start crying. I don't even like to write about. I guess that means I've hit on something I need to come to terms with. I would love to have a respectful conversation/email with H about this issue to put it to bed. I'd like to think that I can go after my dream career without it threatening him. I'd like to think it's just a matter of outside issues getting in the way. Maybe this will be a goal for down the road.
((((opti)))) It was just a simple question, I'm sorry for bringing up a rush of ick memories. What was H going thru during all of that? it seems he was very insecure about everything while you were forging ahead. He lashed out and drove you away rather than reaching to you for support. I know how you feel, and you WILL have to find a way to hurdle that obstacle. It is such a hurtful thing for you, have you thought about how H feels about it from his point of view? Is he racked with guilt about what he did, how he made you feel, and now you live so far apart, he doesn't see his son like he could have had you stayed with him. Maybe, if you think about it from his side, it will help you heal. And then someday you will both face the obstacle and hurdle it together. Hugs to you.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Opti, Keep that chin up! Focus on the present and the future. Resolving issues of the past is an insurmountable goal. We simply can't learn to feel good about something that has caused us pain. Can't change the past or have control over it so why waste effort trying. Put effort into plans that will bring a fulfilling future. Learn lessons and move on. You can do it on your next chance, you have the DB tools to make it work now. (( )) RonJon
The virtual hugs really help. I know I've been feeling sorry for myself over that particular issue. Who am I kidding? I'm still feeling sorry for myself over it and I will continue to... But, RonJon is so right when he says I will be armed with DB tools when I get the next chance to go after my dreams with H at my side. I will handle it better.
I guess I was just hoping that by writing out what I was thinking about I could get passed it for now. And it did help.
I started to post a couple nights back but I was just so damn tired and stressed that I gave up.
The good news...Tuesday afternoon I closed on the house and after a couple hours of signing and initialing and making uncomfortable pleasantries with all parties involved it was DONE!
The bad news...I got home after the closing and thought "gosh, the house is kind of cold." Turned out the furnace wasn't responding and after a couple hours of reading manuals and looking at things I had no clue about, I gave up and wrapped S3 and I in blankets for the night. It was REALLY cold the next morning and I lost many hours from work having the brand new furnace fixed.
I was so stressed and exhausted and irritable about having to do this all on my own with a three year old and a full time job. But, it's what I wanted so I didn't rush to tell H about it or ask my mom for help who would have just thrown it in my face that I HAD to buy the house.
The good news...This morning I got an email from H saying that he was proud of me for the way I managed this all on my own. Boy, that sure saved my day. And now that I understand what Words of Affirmation mean to H, it means more when he gives them to me. Before, I wouldn't have given his compliment much thought. But, now it helps me get through another day...dragging and exhausted.
I still am going to have to argue with the company that installed the furnace less than a year ago about the bill they are sending my way. But I'm not going to address that until next week. It's just all too much. I don't do well with lack of sleep and S3 has been having coughing fits at night and just when I needed a good night's rest the most the furnace breaks...
I just have to believe that life will get easier someday. Please, no one tell me, "welcome to the real world," because if that's the case, I don't want to be here.
I got a Valentine's Day card from H yesterday! I think this might be the first Valentine's acknowledgment I've ever gotten from him. It's really dawning on my how much he's thinking of me and doing things to try to make good. Of course, it probably helps that I have been working on those words of affirmation.
When I got the card I dropped everything, opened the envelope, read the front, read the inside, looked at the post date on the envelope, examined H's handwriting, read the front of the card again, read the inside again, repeat... I just had to suck every last little detail out of the moment.
Something else I've been noticing for the last several months-H doesn't write "support" in the memo of the checks he sends me anymore. When things were looking bad, it bothered me so much that he wrote that on the check. I thought "does he really have to right 'support' on there? That's what you send your ex, 'financial support.'" Never mind that that's still the term I use to categorize his checks in my personal finance records... But, he doesn't see those.
I figured I was probably just being emotional. But since we've confirmed that we're going to be a family again, he stopped writing that on his checks. He just lines through the memo blank and one time even wrote a little term of endearment there as if he knew I was looking or just to see if I was. Everytime I think it's just me clinging to details or over-analyzing I find out that H is doing the same. And when we do have one of our very infrequent and short R talks he always brings up some minute detail from the past and I think, "I can't believe he remembers that. I had no idea he even noticed."
And I guess that's why it's so important for me not to take our interactions for granted or get lazy about the thanks and compliments.
Lately I've been biding my time between these wonderful little gestures. I'm so happy that we're coming back together, even though I know the test is yet to come, when we finally try moving as a family again. But, often I find myself thinking how LONG the wait for that is going to be. Since I started DBing I've had little benchmarks along the way. Now, it's just waiting and maintaining. Different challenge...
)) RonJon 