More journaling...

H sent a package to me just after Christmas with some very important documents that allow us to buy the house. He also said there was "something else in there" for me. I figured it was the replacement wedding ring I'd asked for for Christmas.

Unfortunately I forwarded my mail to the new house (I'm renting from the owner until the closing) in early January and everything was delayed for over two weeks. The package FINALLY showed up the day before yesterday and sure enough, there was my ring! AND an anniversary card. Our anniversary is two days after Christmas.

I emailed H yesterday to thank him for the ring and card. I told him it was good to wear a ring again. Neither one of us are in to those kinds of traditions, symbols, or ceremonies. We got married in a court house in street clothes. So, a wedding ring has never been a big deal to me (that's probably why I was careless enough to lose it in the first place ). But after H dropped the bomb and I moved, suddenly, having lost the ring felt bad. After H and I started talking again I even had fantasies about having a wedding ceremony of somekind to symbolize a new commitment to each other. But I think the chances of H agreeing to something like that are pretty slim, and I don't even like the idea of it anymore. (I HATE being on the spot and having everyone's eyes on me. )

What I'd REALLY like would be a honeymoon!

But, I'm not holding my breathe on that right now. It's funny how I had such a well-thought out list of what I was going to ask H for during his visit last Thanksgiving. I decided to order it based on what was most important to me and let stuff less important (like the wedding ring) drop off the list.

But, when I was visiting with H, I realized that the most important stuff to me was the hardest to ask for and the least likely to get a good response from H (like asking for a weekend alone). I did mention a weekend alone once, but H did not respond enthusiastically so I didn't bring it up again. I did remind him of the date night that HE had brought up, and he came through on that at the last minute after a lot of hedging.

But, as far as LL stuff goes, H is happy to give gifts, so he was happy to get me the ring. He obviously isn't much of a quality time guy, so something that seems as simple as dinner and some live music for a couple hours, is like pulling teeth. Which really hurts my feelings. And NO, I don't feel loved when H can't be bothered to take an evening, let alone a full weekend and spend it with me somewhere other than on the coach in front of the TV.

I think I'm starting to catch on that H offers quality time in a way that he knows he won't have to follow through. Like when he said he had wanted to take me to the piano bar, but only when we were headed back to his parents house and he had already made it clear we were packing it in for the evening. When we were driving up north to the town I live in I mentioned that I had wanted to fly to visit my dad on the west coast, but if we bought a house I knew that wouldn't happen. He replied, "why didn't we plan to drive out there during my visit?" Well, had I even remotely had an inkling that could have been an option, maybe I would have asked. And it was certainly too late at that point to do anything about it. I can't imagine that if I had asked him earlier to do something like that during his visit, that he would have agreed. If he couldn't spend more that 3 days away from his parents house to visit my mom's side of the family and look for houses up north, I don't know why I should have thought to ask him to drive for 6 days round trip plus spend a few days staying with my dad and step mom who H has already thinks don't like him.

I mentioned to my dad on the phone a while ago that H had asked why we didn't plan to drive across country to visit him. My dad said he thought H was making a "safe offer" knowing that he wouldn't have to follow through. I think he's on to something there.

This quality time thing is going to be an issue for us for as long as our R holds on I imagine. But, it will have to be dormant for now because I can't really "ask for what I want" while H is physically unable to give it to me.

But, to end on a good note...After I thanked H for the ring and card, he emailed back that he wished he was here to put it on my finger. (Big "Ahhwwwwww") I hope that if he were here, he would really do something like that. I don't think it's only that H makes offers that he knows he won't have to follow through on. I think also, he WANTS to do things like slide the new ring on my finger. But, it's easier for him to be emotionally vulnerable over email than in person.

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