I have been reading regularly, but not posting much lately. And I haven't done any updating on my thread because there hasn't been much to say. Just small subtle things here and there that reinforce the direction I hope H and I are headed. Of course, it's all in theory at this point because we don't live with each other and I'm not having to DB in the face of those little idiosyncrousies that drive you crazy.
I think what Nicole said was right on. I've felt starved for anything, and been training myself to look for how he shows me he loves me in HIS love language. That's negative and positive I suppose.
I think that I probably am a quality time girl. But, I get almost NONE of that. In the past or now. It's almost non-existant. For the first time since we got married H suggested we go out to do something during his Thanksgiving visit. I was so touched that he was stretching out of his usual comfort zone/rut to try to do something I would like.
I was so disappointed when he avoided following through though. The days of his visit went by. There was plenty of opportunity for us to go out by ourselves. When it looked like he wasn't going to take me out (meaning anywhere away from his parents house where it would be just the two of us), I made a couple references to our date night to remind him (in a non threatening/complaining way). Finally, on the last possible night, H had all these things to do lined up for the evening, and I asked "does that mean, we don't get a date night?" I tried to sound unaccusing, but it was impossible to mask how disappointed I was. I was so hurt that after not seeing him for 8 months I didn't even rate a couple hours of alone time. And he KNEW I wanted it.
He said he didn't see how we'd have time and I bit my tongue instead of saying that we'd had more than enough opportunity, but TV shows and "for fun" trips to Walmart had been more important. I just said "yeah," and kept my head down and looked busy. I don't know if his mom said something to him or if it was because I was obviously disappointed, but he came back a little while later and said he wasn't going to do all the stuff he said he had to do and that we could go out if I wanted. I nicely asked him if he was sure, and he said yeah. So, we went out and had dinner at a casino and sat for a couple drinks and live music.
When we left the casino I wanted so much to stay out with him. When we got in the car I thanked him and told him I'd had a really good time. He seemed pleased and maybe a little suprised. Obviously, I haven't been so quick to give him those words of affirmation in the past. After I thanked him he mentioned that he had thought of taking me to a piano bar downtown. I held back instead of getting all excited because I really wanted to go right then. But, he said "next time, maybe" or something to that effect.
At the time I made myself stay grateful I got anytime. And I still am glad we did get one evening. But, I wanted so much more. A weekend alone. It was harder than I thought it would be to spend the only visit I would get with H for the year staying with his family. I love them so much. But, I had some rough nights alone in the guest room when H chose to sleep in his brother's room (which he still calls his room because it was 18 years ago) instead of with me. And this was after we had ML and spent long moments gazing into each others' eyes and all that.
I could chalk it all up to him just easing back into the R. But, this is how it has been in the past at his parents' house. Then he drove with me up to the town where I live now. I was at first just happy he was coming up with me at all. But, then I was disappointed when he told me he would only be staying for a couple nights. He wanted to get back to his parents so he had atleast four days there before he had to get back to the airport. Again, I did not feel way up there on his list, and it felt pretty bad.
When we did get away from his parents house for a few days, suddenly I was the center of his attention. And that felt good. We stayed in a hotel, so we were in the same bed at night. He bought me flowers while we were at the store. And he was so physically affectionate the day he said goodbye to go back to his parents. He even showed some PDA in front of my mom (not something either one of us likes to do, generally).
Anyway...out of the not so distant past and into the present...the house is great!!
It's very interesting to see H's reaction to becoming a homeowner for the first time. Even though he won't live in this house, and will probably only visit it two or three times before he transfers, he has gotten really involved with it. He is doing all kinds of research into fencing and storage sheds.
In one of his emails he said it would be really good to have a place of his own to come home to instead of government housing. This takes me back to the time he told me that he could only consider his parents house home. I was very hurt at the time that he wouldn't consider the place where his wife and newborn son lived his home. Maybe it was more about him not owning the townhouse we lived in than about the fact that he is overly attached to his childhood home.
So I'm hoping (and that is usually a bad thing) that during his next visit (this summer) he will stay with me in the new house and "visit" his parents down south. It will be very interesting to see which airport he decides to fly into from Alaska.
So, maybe I am a quality time girl. But, I have also come to appreciate much more keenly how well H gives acts of service. He takes care of S and I from a distance better than could be expected. He is always doing research online to find me something I might need and always asking if I need more money. Through this whole horrible fiasco, that's the one thing I can point to that says he's loved me all along, because he never stopped making sure I had what I needed. And at this point in my life, with a child, financial security is so much more important than it used to be.
I also like the words of affirmation he's so free with. And, even though, I never thought I was a gifts person, when H gets me flowers (because he knows I like them) or gets me a mother and child pendant, I treasure them so much, because it's just a huge symbol of how he will sometimes do something he wouldn't normally do just because he knows I'll like it.
Well, time to get off the computer and start moving!
