Weds. night my H went out with a mf he met through me. He and mf hit it off very well. Mf has a great outlook on life, very positive, and actually more mature (he's quite younger than H and I) than some of H's other friends.
H went out straight from work and I was asleep by the time he returned. For most of the evening I was fine, got a lot done, relaxed and did some work. However, H's going out, infrequent as it is these days, still triggers in me an anxiety. Pre-bomb H would be out 5-6 nights a week and I would sit around and wait for him to come home getting more and more frustrated as the evening went on. So, although this time I know where H is and who he is with, I am still getting over what it used to be like and it's a painful reminder.
The next morning I was kind of distant. H asked what was wrong and I said "nothing". Now this goes against what H and I have agreed to do but there simply wasn't the time to go into how I was feeling and I didn't want to say "Well there is something I have on my mind but let's wait until after work when I have the time to go into it." This would drive H crazy and it was his day off! Instead I played it as I was running late and the acted "as if" the rest of the time we were together.
Later that evening, after dinner I said to H that I wanted to share why I was "off" in the AM. I told him that even though things have changed between us greatly, I am still from time to time affected by memories of the past. I told him how painful it was for me to sit at home every night and not know where he was or with whom. I said that I appreciate very much the changes he has made to this end and that he is working on being more honest. I said that intellectually I know that things ahve changed but emotionally it will take me a while to come up to speed. I asked him to be patient and to continue what he was doing. That is telling me the truth even if it was something he thought might upset me. He asked if I thought he was lying to me last night about where he was and I said no I didn't think you were. I said that I was upset because it reminded me of the old situation and that during this process of change flashbacks are going to occur. He then said "well I'm not involved in anything that would make you upset." I said that I didn't think that he was, all I was asking is that he tell me the truth regardless if it might be painful, whatever it was related to.
I let the convo go after that. I didn't ask him what his thoughts were or if it upset him or any of the many enabling ways I have of undermining myself. I let it go because it wasn't accusatory of me in anyway, I was being completely honest without placing blame and it let my H know how it used to be for me and that I believe that we are continuing to change. It felt really good to do this!
So here comes the weird dream. Last night, I dreamt that I ran into OW while working on a project. OW and I had to work together and she and I were trying to reach a point of understanding. It ended with me shaking her hand! How weird is that?! I don't see this happening in real-life but it's interesting to me that it's entered my sub-concious.
Anyway, I made a list of things that I am grateful for in 2005. It's a top 20 list and my first three are: 1. Hard choices, 2. The chance to correct my mistakes, 3. Reconciling with H (see 1&2). It's a public list on my blog page, so I couldn't add- Divorce Busting. I am so grateful to have found DB and this BB. Thanks to everyone who has offered advice and support this year!
Have a great New Year's and here's to a wonderful 2006!
