I had a very low-key holiday which was what I totally needed. H and I spent alot of time together. We didn't do very much which was fine. We both needed to be lazy.
On Friday, I was in a very weird frame of mind. H and I spent Thursday together and then H went back to work on Friday while I stayed home. For some reason, I became very despondent that although H was the most important R in my life, I was not his. Or at least I was attributing this belief to the fact that because he has a online profile where he doesn't state his marital status. That was pretty much the reason why! Irrational, I know, but not totally given all that occured last year with his ff. However, with all of the changes that have occured btwn us my pityfest on Friday was out of proportion. I used it however to examine my own issues. I'm finding that many of the "problems" I have with H and our R actually trace back to me and issues that I have with myself.
I realized on Friday that this mentality no longer worked for me. I do know that I am the most important R in my H's life and that things like his FF and online activities are not an indication of him undervaluing me at all. In fact, they are his weaknesses related solely to him. I mean honestly, what is he going to do? Walk around wearing a t-shirt that says "I Love My Wife, M..."?! He does show me how important I am and he tells me! I absolutely need to redirect this struggle back to changing myself for myself. It's hard not to be led astray by our emotions but I believe that obstacles,struggles, whathaveyou are there for us to learn from. I've been getting stuck on the "I need to be the absolute center of someone's life" for a long, long time. It needs to end.
That night I was acting strangely because all of this was still on my mind. H finally got it out of me that I was trying to work something through. He went out and came back shortly before midnight (he let me know he was hanging out with friends that I have met). He was excited to see me but I was acting pretty immaturely. I barely had anything to say and when he went to go to the bathroom, I had turned off all of the lights and was in bed. He was confused and pissed and we got into a dumb argument about what was going on. He asked me to just be clear with him and that he would be fine with my response. I told him that hasn't always been the case and I'm still not sure that this approach would work. He agreed and asked me to just try. After about 10 minutes of this we fell asleep. We apologized to each other the next morning for getting angry and I told him that I needed to think things through a little longer before telling him (in the past he's gotten nasty frustrated when I talk about very complicated things before thinking them through). So we went about our day.
Our Christmas was great. We both agreed that this year was the complete antithesis of last year and that we were very happy to have made these necessary changes in our R. I spent some time meditating on gratitude for the growth that has occured in my life and in my R. For me that is hard to accept when I fixate on all that still needs working on.
Later on I told H about what I was working through and how I realize that I was asking the impossible of him by being the center of his universe. I also told him that I need to continue working on myself and that his patience with this process has been a great support. He thanked me for sharing this with him.
H had called his landlord to let him know that he will be moving out of his apt. The landlord offered to let H and I rent two apts (converting them into one) for a ridiculously low price! It's a very sweet gesture, he's a great landlord but I asked H if I could think about the offer before we agreed to anything. Later this weekend I told H that I wasn't interested because I wanted to live somewhere new, somewhere that didn't remind me of this past year. H agreed and said that he was thinking the exact same thing.
Things are moving along and I think at a pace that H and I are both comfortable with. I'm finding that I don't have the energy or the interest to push things like I normally do. That's been a huge change for me.
Had a few moments of freak-out over the weekend. A few OW thoughts. I need to become better at thought-stopping! Some paranoia that things with H would never change or that he was completely lying to me. I calmed myself down by reminding myself that even if that worse case scenario was true that I would be strong enough to move past it. Crazy mind games.
Back in the office today. Hopefully things will be slow but not too slow . That's when my mind misbehaves.
. That's when my mind misbehaves. 
