Thank you for checking in! Mostly my concerns are about falling into old patterns or that we are too stuck in our ways to significantly change. H and I both have intimacy issues and we are also very intense people. Great combo, huh? Anyway, my fear is that H doesn't have the motivation to become more intimate and that I enable him not changing! I DO NOT want a life for myself where I am giving and giving and H only meets me halfway. Problem is I am deeply in love with H and it's my nature to want to give a lot.
What I need to work on is being able to understand where the boundary that giving because it benefits the R ends and the giving because I'm using it as a way to not deal with my own issues begins. This, I feel somedays, is impossible to determine and that either you luck into the winning combo with your partner or you don't.
Today is a good example. H has been burned out the last couple of days because of how much he hates his job. So when he is burned out he isn't very communicative or he is short or he is "distant". This last one is the killer for me. I have an extremely difficult time dealing with this. His distance is so under the radar that when I ask him what is wrong and he says "nothing." it seems as if I am crazy. Yet when I do the same thing he gets all bent out of shape and calls me a liar, which I am at that point.
My work with al-anon has been helping with this. At least I am no longer devastated when this occurs. I'm looking into making a stronger commitment to the program and actually working the steps instead of just gleaning from the rest of the group.
So going back to the whole job thing, H hates his but hasn't been that proactive to change. He has applied to several places around the country but didn't get any responses. Big surprise! It's hard enough to get a job in your area let alone opening yourself up to a larger market. Then two weeks ago, I found a job online, in our area, that H is perfect for! AND it's dealing with a subject that he adores! I forwarded the job to him and he expressed some interest. I told myself that I would let it go from there. But my nature got the best of me and I talked to him about it and encouraged him and asked a couple of times if he had applied. Finally last week he did and low and behold with two hours of submitting his stuff he gets a call for an interview!
So he gets excited, puts a portfolio together and talks about how good it would be to turn in his letter of resignation. Then the last two days he was preoccupied with the stress of his current job and also contemplating what this new job might bring. I was open to talking about the latter but there's really nothing to say about the old job. At this point, it's s**t or get off the pot! Here is a great opportunity for you to move forward. Your current job s**ks and you know it. I'll relax with you on those evenings, I'll keep the stress low on my end as well but no more distancing because of old job stress.
Today was rough for me because I want to be able to be there for H but I'm finding it hard to move past my frustrations with him. It also didn't help that he brought over a scarf that I'm convinced OW knitted for him. I think I'm going to tell him that it looks ugly on him so that he won't wear it around me.
I'm also concerned that I have been unable to healthfully release my anger with my H about things like OW. Intellectually, I know that she is a symptom of H's intimacy and self-esteem issues. But that doesn't do anything for the anger that I still carry around. I'm afraid that it is beginning to affect my physically. I missed my period last month and it looks like it will happen again this month as well. And no, it's not because I am pregnant.
You see, my H has never admitted to anything between he and OW. It's always been "just friends" even though it is so obvious that was not the case. Talking about OW and all that she encompasses has been an exercise in extreme tact and strategy. I'm still holding on to a lot of my fears with this as well.
But I can't ignore all the good changes that have occured. It's also necessary for both H and I to move away from absolutes in our R. I can't want to leave H everytime I am reminded of OW or when we are distant from each other.
So, I think that about covers it. I'm still trying to make sense of the mess that is my head most days. Today, I'm going to get a hug from a dear friend that I rarely see these days. Tomorrow, I am taking a yoga class, something I haven't done in over a year and a half!
Thanks again for checking in. I'm off the board until 12/27. Then I'm back to work! Have a great Christmas and Boxing Day!
Anyway, my fear is that H doesn't have the motivation to become more intimate and that I enable him not changing! I DO NOT want a life for myself where I am giving and giving and H only meets me halfway. Problem is I am deeply in love with H and it's my nature to want to give a lot. 
