Quote: -------------------------------------------------- I have a question – specifically for the NOPS, but also for everyone else. What do you do with all the old hurts and memories? How do you deal with that? Is it just a matter of time? --------------------------------------------------
I think you have already received some great replies.
I am speaking for myself only here. MrsNOP handles her things her way.
I have so many hurts going all the way back to childhood abuse that I am not sure I can give you a good answer. I will tell you what is true for me.
As old resentments and hurts/pain/memories come up for me (and they do so frequently), I choose how I will respond. If I didn't, then I would be overrun and controlled, even overwhelmed by them. That doesn't mean I don't suffer from them, it just means that I decide what my response will be. Emotionally, I wait for my feelings to catch up with my brain. To the best of my ability, I try to let knowledge and choice lead my emotions.
I am not perfect at it, but I do handle it very well.
As for time, I do find that time has a remarkable property in that it truly does erode bad memories, and thankfully, preserves good ones.
For me, making a choice not to be ruled by a flash of emotion, even repeatedly, gives time a chance to do its work on the hurt, old or new.
I hope that helps a little.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: What do you do with all the old hurts and memories? How do you deal with that? Is it just a matter of time?
Julie, I categorize them similar to what ancient mapmakers did on maps - "There be dragons here."
I try not to pick at them. Kinda like scabs.
I still have bruised areas that hurt more than they should when they accidentally get poked. I have to fight to not mourn what could have been. It doesn't help that my personality has always had a streak of melancholia. If I read old journals, or just let my thoughts dwell on the past, I'm afraid that the dragons do arise.
I assume that time will mend much of it.
Someone had mentioned that suffering makes us stronger.
I think there is much truth in that. In the same way that broken bones, when mended, can actually become stronger.
But that broken area will be lumpy for many years - somewhat disfigured, visible if examined with an X-ray. It may develop arthritis, it may give us shooting pains on occasion, and there will be a sensitivity toward overly protecting it.
I don't see how you can come through extremely difficult situations without getting a bit twisted, in the following sense. Trees can be espaliered, trained through pressure and binding to grow a certain way. The pressure and binding can later be removed and the tree can be freed to grow differently, *but* the earlier espaliering will always be a part of that tree's past, its foundation, its visable form.
So, no great advice, just an acknowledgement that we are all plodding along similar paths. And perhaps there is some cold comfort in knowing that billions of feet have trod the same paths, it's just a part of the human condition.
I didn’t mean to post and run. Thank you all SO much for taking the time to give me your replies and insights. I feel so blessed to have a group of friends like you.
This is not the sort of thing that happens on a regular basis – it was triggered by reading my own words from years ago and remembering things from the past.
Many of you suggested that I should allow myself the luxury of a good cry. I agree that this is very cathartic, and maybe I should pick and time and place ever so often to do this. Lillie, I agree with you that this is not about him, it is entirely about me – about allowing myself to heal, and allowing myself to be vulnerable again.
Honey, I think your question about feeling guilty about the mistakes that you made is the other side of this same coin. I think we have to accept that we are imperfect and well – human, just as our Hs are.
NOP and the Mrs – thank you for your wise, compassionate replies.
So, in a nutshell, it all seems like commonsense… Focus on the positives, the changes that we have made, and the good marriage we have today. Check. Allow myself to feel anger and sadness sometimes, work through it and do not let it spill out into the relationship. Check. Don’t pick at scabs. Check. Choose my responses, wait for my brain to catch up with my emotions, filter my emotions through my intelligence. Check, check, check. Be patient. Check.
There are certainly more layers to this onion. I am patiently peeling it, and maybe I will start journaling again when I have more time.
