First, a quick recap for those that may not know me. H and I are both 35, together for 17 years, and married for 9 years. We have two kids – D5 and S2. He was very HD in the beginning, this petered off and I have been the HD one for the last 10-12 years. 18 months ago – things reached boiling point and we both agreed to make some changes. We now have an active, vibrant and satisfying SL. I have worked hard at overcoming my insecurities, and being more considerate of his needs and addressing them.
I have a question – specifically for the NOPS, but also for everyone else. What do you do with all the old hurts and memories? How do you deal with that? Is it just a matter of time?
I know time is the great healer, and I find that as new memories replace old ones, it is getting easier to let the past go. Still, I find there are days when something from the past jumps out to bog me down.
Yesterday, when I was cleaning, I found an old journal from 1999. I read a few entries – here is an excerpt.
“First comes the hurt and disbelief that he could reject me, that he can possibly not want me. Then comes shame, because I make myself so available to him, over and over again. After that comes anger and an urge for revenge – and I tell myself (and sometimes him) that the next time I will say no. Usually, shame returns because I know that the next time, it will probably be me making the first move again. Finally, there is grief, because I know that this is not the bigger crime – he does love me, he just doesn’t desire me that much. And also because I recognize my own part in setting myself up for the pain – yet again.”
All the old painful memories came rushing back, and I had to keep from breaking down completely in front of my 2-year old.
It is not that I am holding on to resentment. I have looked deep in my heart and I know the resentment is gone. I understand so much more now, and I understand that the pain of the past was the path way to the place we are in today. Still, I hurt. I often remember something from the past and I hurt so badly that I want to build walls around my heart. I wonder – if I am ever in another relationship, will I guard my heart fiercely against this pain, and end up hurting someone else?
We have come so far, but it only took an instant for me to be flooded with all that negative energy. To my credit, I did not break down, I was perfectly calm by the time H came home, we had a good evening with lots of EC. He was complimentary and sexually aggressive – all in all, it was a great night.
I want to let this pain go. I want to set myself free. I know I need to be patient, but maybe there is something I am missing here. I just don’t want to derail us in any way because I wasn’t able to overcome the past. I hope you guys have some good advice for me.
