Rere, Good for you and please hang in there. As others have said, it's a holiday that we can all make it through, and will be proud of ourselves for it. I know you can do it.
Yes, I have gone dark, and very hard. Many times I run to the phone to check for voice mail, caller ID, or any email from H. Many times I have to physicaly and mentally stop myself from the pursuing. It has gone so much better for our R when I wait and let H initiate the contact. I do only now return the important calls that need to be made, and make them quick. We still have phone conversatons where it gets quiet and tense, and I am getting very good at a quick friendly goodbye, to be the first to end.
The best is when my S19, who is home with me, answers the phone to say , no mom is out , especially if mom left the house dressed up. Much better to have son tell H , and leave H hangin.
And yes, it is sooooo hard. Many times when my H does come by house and I know it is time for H to leave, I literally have to have my back to him, like at the kitchen counter and say my friendliest goodbye and a quick wave. I refuse now to watch him walk down the back sidewalk to his car. Still is hard and probably still will be.
I have also asked H not to tell me where he will be. So many months of lies of his whereabouts, I got sick of him thinking I believed it, so just asked him friendly and politely, not to tell me and give me the courtesy of telling me when he is coming to the house. Much better for both of us.
Let's hang in there, I'm hoping to have a quiet christmas eve with my family side, my H was invited, but I did not pressure. Sadly, not sure what H has planned with MIL, I feel it is his responsibility to initate plans and hard when H does nothing. My MIL , am sure knows, but I think MIL is like my H and does not talk about any real feelings.
Christmas Day, am hoping to go to afternoon movie with my 2 children ( 21 & 19) after church in morning. Or even lay around, rent movies, and find open chinese. Would give you open invite to join!!--I even rented the cute new video "march of the penguins"--gonna do anything but try not to dwell on him.
Also gave some thought to a gift, didn't want to get anything., but decided to get a salvation army gift certificate ( in my H's name) for hurricane victims in New Orleans and the families sent in their requests. This way it is a great cause and I think very generic, something I would have done for a "good friend", even though my h really deserves sh*t. Take a day at a time. You're doin good. Jean
