Rere, so sorry you have to feel the hurt when finding out about OW. If you're like me, I think I want to know, or have to know, but when i do, I am usually in a worse place. If I try to be rational, I will know the status of my H and this OW by his actions only. If there is more of H positive attention towards me, there must be less of this OW.
you mention you are have stopped the pleading and crying--great job and know what inner strength you have to do this! Dating I think is totally your decision, and someting I am not ready for. I am still pushing myself for the GAL and starting to enjoy some groups of friends.
I'm not sure at all about the SL now vs. the rotten SL before our S. I am sure my H still not sure of who I am, or have become, or mostly who he is or what he wants. That's the hard part too for us, no matter how hard we want to try and are trying--we just can't fix them!
I am writing now something I copied way back when I started this board that I am writing now and reading to remind myself. Something a wise poster wrote, that I need to reread very often. maybe it will help you also. I will shorten, but if it helps will rewrite all--it even helps me to rewrite.
THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE AS I SEE IT.
iT isn't so much a defined set of actons or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude and a state of mind.
If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNoW yOu have set both them and yourself free by your words, actins and attitudes.
It's when You finally take your life back, knowing that the DB you've been learning is mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw our partner back to you, well that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. you begin taking the actions required to make your ife situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark' isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will suck without you, while your're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when yu can use the 'dark" times to work on urself and take a much needed break from the chaos. (that's the part I have underlined in red!) When you can re-center yurself upon YOURSELF and not them or your R with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are waiting for your partner to recover from their MLC or their own problems., depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until they change. You totally quit playing the blame game. It's when you realize that you are not a victim to what life deals to you.
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, jus the same as you. When you can bigin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsile for or have control over those thoughts and feelings. When yu can not necessarily understand them, but truly accept them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really isn't all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partne's actions and moods pesonally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to yu, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can fis it and make it all better. Or that they really want you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to push or pull your partner back into the R with you, and begin to draw them back to yu. When yu strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can top from being attracted to. Because you are doing this for yourself. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful and fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add eaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the vest that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative and final thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to reframe these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept to see the actual benefits of this.
This person ended this post with: I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my own journey. As for me, it may be somethingI want to use as an "On gong Technque" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"
I wish I knew who this wise DBing poster was, I would thank him/her for something I have read and reread for many many months. Hope it gives others some positive aspects too.
