hi Tessa, I think we have posted to each other in the past due to some same sitch's. I also remember thinking what a pretty name, I am a nurse, and thought you were too. That was a while back, and if you are the same,-------we still are here! My subject line here is new, because after being S for 10 months now, the SL just began couple weeks ago. As I said above, it really just happened and was more tender and intimate than the SL we had in the last year before out S. That's why my head and heart are having this battle!
Yes, this new SL ( actually few episodes in last couple weeks, but happened now everytime H has come home lately) has maybe shown my H a new side, but I also think it makes it impossible to continue expecting zero from these WAS's. Same for you? And yes how do you detach from someone this way? I definitely pursued over the weekend, because in a recent email my S in one paragrah wrote "how great it was to be together, misses us:---but in the next paragraph wrote me about "can't come home for few days, is house sitting", which I know is bs. Whether I should have or shouldn't have I responded with saying I knew he would be with OW, and went on and on about my rollercoaster that was going up and how the rides down are crashing too hard.
I think the guilt is keeping my H silent and on the run. When I was able to have SL without R talk, am thinking H much more comfortable. too easy for him? But where does that put us? See I really don't have any of this figured out.
Your sitch. when you spoke of your H and yourself able to talk about not having SL recently because it was best for you, seems encouraging. Your H may truely want to wait and be with you totally, when his head and heart can love you as you truely deserve. I'm sure you know him best and hopefully you are doing what is best for yourself.
That's where I have the same problem. My heart thinks it's best " at the moment", but reality down the road sets in. After my R pushing this weekend, my H has kept silent and totally backing off.
I keep promising myself to coast the next few weeks and keep giving this all time. I have crashed pretty low this time now and am thinking of a decision to H that may occur after holidays. Yes, that decision we all probably try to fight back--the "i love you, but cannot stay in a R that includes OW--so go on your journey" I won't use the D word, but will let H know , after 10 months now, I will release him to travel his own path. But then I stop myself and try to think how far we have come from 10 months ago, relating to each other less stressfully and H coming home has been much less strained lately. How have your last 2 months been for yourself? I know these holidays are taking a beating on all of us. That's why I decided to start writing my "letter" to H about loving him and also releasing him. I know I will absolutely not send or talk about until this for several weeks. Time,---- is it helping us? or just dragging us down?
I am thinking just knowing I have my letter, my thoughts, in my power, that I can decide to give them to H whenever I choose ,is keeping me in control now. I am starting 2 sides of a new journal, why I should continue DB and be patient, or Why should I let go and let H go on his own journey now. I will probably have this letter written and rewritten many times, and most likely post it at some point just to get it out!
For now if SL happens, and the timing is right, and H and I find each other again, together as I always want to be, I am sure my heart will win over my head. I am able to fool myself for short periods , sad to say they don't last, and I also think this recent R push on my part has most likely sent H back into his sad depressed, guilt ridden, ambivalent tunnel. If you are a nurse, as I, we seem to give so much of ourselves to our patients and I know I see how quickly people can be taken away from each other. Yesterday I had a couple, married 62 yrs!, and wife had to go into nursing home. I know her H will be at her side to the very end.
How about your decision you mention about the "cut off"? If things are right in your sitch. would you allow yourself? maybe it's something we can't plan, and just trust instincts. Hang in there too.
