my sitch. M 26yrs. H with OW , bomb dropped 10 months ago, probably EA & PA for over year Trying to be a good DB'er now for months with some babysteps:
But-- Ran into a little problem recently, or is it a problem? My H and I over last few months have gotten to be more relaxed and much less tension at home now. H does not live at home, and also does not have his own place. He is a wandering nomad, between jobs ( firestation) and OW who lives several hours away. H now comes home maybe 1 or 2 nts. a week.
As of 2 weeks ago we had seperate BR's, but had sex after 10 months. Kinda just happened, tender and intimate, but quiet and no R talk from either of us. I know the OW still in the picture. Couple more episodes followed this one and now we share same bed. But I see no other changes in him. I am finding it so hard to keep my expectations at zero after this! Any others ?
Also not sure how well this is for both of us. No matter now tender and close it seems, there is this big OW in bed with us too. I mean I think me tonight, OW maybe tomorrow, Me this week, OW next. What am I doing to myself! Pretty hard to keep quiet about R, but I am. My "friend" R with H has a whole new turn which I am not sure is healthy. No, I know it's not, but not wanting to give it up. This was an aspect of our R that played a big part in our disconnection.
I really could use some guidance.
So now what? I have been trying to keep my expectations at 0 but the head has a hard time telling the rest of me this after last couple weeks. H remains very quiet about "us" and still very much in his MLC. Would love to hear others who found themselves here as well.
Wow, sounds like your H is getting the best of all worlds. No responsibility, sex no matter where he stays. You could play this one of two ways.
#1. Cut him off, give him a dose of what life is like with no sex from you and no staying at your place. Sleep on teh street for a while and see how that feels buddy.
#2, keep doing what you are doing and OW will eventually begin to push him for more committment, which he won't like and will come running back to you as she gets more emotional and needy.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
And i keep having these decisions over and over in my head. yes, things are way more comfortable than they were 10 months ago, but how good is this for my GAL? 2 major ways this can go. This has only been a couple of weeks now, so i think I am coasting. Coasting my way through the holidays and see from there.
Trouble is with Solution #1. Yes it is very tempting and also probably would end up to be the big ultimatum. Am I ready for that? who knows.
Solution #2. feels so right at the moment, but like i said i don't like a threesome in bed together. And I also like to picture this 3rd person, OW, as a big fat threesome. Sorry, this is how I have been bouncing up and down the last few weeks.
Also over last few months, my H has noticed me in small ways of GAL and comments positively. i.e. I wait until H calls me, I meet friends more often and he is aware, etc. Pretty hard to be detaching with him in bed next to me.
What a roller coaster. I'm sure there's others in same sitch? I wish that OW would find out about our togetherness and keep on pushin. him., thanks alot for your thoughts.
Is there a way OW can find out? I don't have any suggestions, but i'd be tempted to find a way for her to find out. She has to wonder where he is on the nights he is not with her. There was a post about the things people had done when their H was with an OW, spray perfume, lipstick on the collar, lots of vengeful things. You could "mark" him as yours
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
I wish, but when I really think about it, it needs to come from Him and as much as I would want to, wouldn't. Makes for some interesting thoughts though on those nights when I am ready to throw rocks through her window.
thinking out loud:--but please anyone stick their 2 cents in.
Thought I was making major decision last week, regarding sex with H finally after 10 months. Well last couple weeks I think I just "went with the flow, no questions asked" and probably fooled myself into believing the rollercoaster was going up. but H still with OW and still absolutely no R talk, H remains very depressed, MLC, and totally guilt stricken about everything "he has done" . Last few weeks whle sleeping together I thought to myself, why am I doing this when my goal was to have H continue to see I am GAL.
But I blew it and pushed the R and OW talk a couple days ago. It wasn't even in person, it was through an email. I think it's this whole holiday saddness and this continuing obcesion with OW that caused me to think things could be pushed ahead. I should have known that this talk made H back off at first mention and now H remains backed off. Maybe I was thinking this OW would realize H resuming sex with me and push him and he would back off of her. But now continues to use the "feels guilty", but "can't help it" excuse. Totally poor him. He even came up with lame excuses not to come to a dinner with our 2 children he was very much looking forward to after my R email I sent.
Something in my heart didn't connect with my head. The sex was so tender and intimate, and it was too hard on my part to just let it be that only. Now I fear he will skip out on family for chiristmas and mope with his OW and her children.
Can sex be a bridge to a connection with H? If I didn't push the R talk? Did I just cause him more guilt by being together?
But on the other hand having H be available to both myself and OW?--what was I thinking?!!! I know what I was thinking, just that it felt so right. For a short time I was able to forget about this OW and I guess I thought it was worth it. I forgot how heavenly it was to fall asleep with the one you love.
Yes, I know I should be clanked on the head. Now H has not called, emails only short lines about "how sad he is" but totally elusive last few days and I just have done nothing but sit and mope At least I have not pursued him at all since. But that doesn't make me feel much better either.
How does just "coasting through" these holidays sound? and see what H does?
Should I or shouldn't I have been with him? and how do you detach over christmas? And what do I do if / when H home again and we are tender and leads to sex?
lots . rattling in my brain--I thought being 10months into this I was getting on so well, now hoping this is only minor backslide and maybe someone else went through the same. Maybe sex with your H, even though OW still there isn't wrong, if you can pretend when you are with H, and she is not in the picture.
Funny I had just posted about this on another thread. I think somewhere Michelle has a post about it under Newcomer.
I kinda flip flop here...ML can mean a great deal more to a woman than a man...we tend to let our emotions really get the best of it. A man looks towards it as an intimate experience also but then they can go right back into their caves even deeper than they were before. Having the ow find out about it usually doesn't mean much...if she isn't ready to end it, that's not going to matter much after all she is dating a married man, so what type of morals does she have.
I think it all depends on the sitch. Something I personally have not come to in my sitch...so I have no personal experience...our sexual R was actually extremely wonderful, and not the slightest reason for us not being together. However, even as a friend tried to reassure me early on "with ow it's just different" I still had a problem overcoming the fact that he did share that with ow. It made me sick to my stomach. I can tell you though that even when I was considering waiting it out had it ever come up he would have gone for a serious physical checkup first including a dip in the bleach...and I am serious about that. To me, it's a great deal more than he's ML to another woman...it's also he has ML to her entire history...and I would want no part of that unless I knew his ties to her were completely over. But that's just me.
What a catchy subject! Hopefully it will bring wonderful responses for I certainly could use some advice here, too.
One thing is different for me for H is still at home and swears it's only an EA. We talked about it once and I told him an EA wasn't any easier. If he had a "one night fling" it would be easier to forgive and forget.
So Jeanb let me know when you figure out how to ML with detachment from OW
Your sitch with ML has a lot in common with mine. I have threads all over the place. My most recent (yesterday) is on this forum titled: "Spent the night with my H, told him goodbye this morning"
Yes, it's hard to detach from them especially if your SL is still going on. My WAS left seven months ago, has had his latest OW for two months. Says they haven't had sex yet--she's probably working on his emotions now.
Anyway, found lots of info on OW, even have her name and phone num. I'm thinking of calling and talking to her, maybe telling her about our intimate relationship that has happened every weekend for seven months.
I beleive that the sex can open the couple to a more intimate R. When we first began, he told me that I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations. I assured him that I could ML "like a man"--meaning I wouldn't expect any commitment. But I beleive it's harder for me. I'm always very depressed the next day--are you?
My WAH is living 5 miles away in our RV on the property of one of his friends. He's not having an easy time in it, but now I know he gets the other women to feel sorry for him by telling them how hard he has it so his "crazy" wife can be comfortalbe in the big warm house.
My H is a very needy person. Had a hard time finding someone who would want him. Now that he's found one, he probably will never let her go.
I ceased contact with my H yesterday, but already am having thoughts of connecting with him. It's just so sad to be without him. And like you said, this time of year makes things much much harder.
Do you know who the OW is? Have you thought of calling her? This keeps crossing my mind--even though I told my H I wouldn't contact her, I'm really thinking of doing it.
Wonder if there's more people who are in sitches like this? I feel like my H and I haven't really been separated for these seven months. And he is getting the best of both worlds. My H hasn't earned much money at all this year and we're living on credit cards and borrowed money.
One question to you: Did you and your H have a good SL before now? My H and I did not. I have changed 100% since this happened. I'm an older woman and thought I wouldn't be able to--well I'll just say this, I don't need Estrogen, and it couldn't be better. But, I guess we have to now learn how to get them to be emotionally dependent on us, because this is what the OWs are doing.
Sorry I got off on my sitch--since I told him no contact yesterday, I've done nothing but cry.
jeanb, Forgot to tell you that I do 90% of the contact. I have almost always asked HIM for a date. So if this is what you want, don't wait for him to call, call him.
But I better be clear, I try not to call him unless I have a reason. And if he does call, I usually never pick up and rarely answer his messages. Not exactly sure why-I guess it depends on how needy I'm feeling. I know this is probably sick, but not answering him makes me feel I have a little power. For instance, last week we had an ice storm. He had to go out of town, and he called and left a message asking if we had any downed trees and if I had electricity. He said to call him if I needed him. When I saw him Sat night, he said "a response{from the message} would have been nice." I told him that I wasn't here and couldn't respond to the message.
You see, within the pursuing that a person does, there are ways to back off. I know it's not exactly Dbing, but I'll pursue and then do a 180 when I'm with him. The last two times we were together, I've done this. And you could do it too. Something like getting up in the morning and getting dressed fast and leaving without telling him where you are going--this is just an example of doing something unexpected to get their attention, to keep them wondering.
