thinking out loud:--but please anyone stick their 2 cents in.
Thought I was making major decision last week, regarding sex with H finally after 10 months. Well last couple weeks I think I just "went with the flow, no questions asked" and probably fooled myself into believing the rollercoaster was going up. but H still with OW and still absolutely no R talk, H remains very depressed, MLC, and totally guilt stricken about everything "he has done" . Last few weeks whle sleeping together I thought to myself, why am I doing this when my goal was to have H continue to see I am GAL.
But I blew it and pushed the R and OW talk a couple days ago. It wasn't even in person, it was through an email. I think it's this whole holiday saddness and this continuing obcesion with OW that caused me to think things could be pushed ahead. I should have known that this talk made H back off at first mention and now H remains backed off. Maybe I was thinking this OW would realize H resuming sex with me and push him and he would back off of her. But now continues to use the "feels guilty", but "can't help it" excuse. Totally poor him. He even came up with lame excuses not to come to a dinner with our 2 children he was very much looking forward to after my R email I sent.
Something in my heart didn't connect with my head. The sex was so tender and intimate, and it was too hard on my part to just let it be that only. Now I fear he will skip out on family for chiristmas and mope with his OW and her children.
Can sex be a bridge to a connection with H? If I didn't push the R talk? Did I just cause him more guilt by being together?
But on the other hand having H be available to both myself and OW?--what was I thinking?!!! I know what I was thinking, just that it felt so right. For a short time I was able to forget about this OW and I guess I thought it was worth it. I forgot how heavenly it was to fall asleep with the one you love.
Yes, I know I should be clanked on the head. Now H has not called, emails only short lines about "how sad he is" but totally elusive last few days and I just have done nothing but sit and mope At least I have not pursued him at all since. But that doesn't make me feel much better either.
How does just "coasting through" these holidays sound? and see what H does?
Should I or shouldn't I have been with him? and how do you detach over christmas? And what do I do if / when H home again and we are tender and leads to sex?
lots . rattling in my brain--I thought being 10months into this I was getting on so well, now hoping this is only minor backslide and maybe someone else went through the same. Maybe sex with your H, even though OW still there isn't wrong, if you can pretend when you are with H, and she is not in the picture.
