I am also very much like you. Sometimes my mind can be on something else and out of the blue tears just start rolling down my face. I think it is because we mask how we really feel to accommodate our spouses.
We live and sleep together (but no sex) and we are genuinely nice to each other, especially now, after I learned to do and say the right things.
You learned to deny yourself and give to him. The thoughts still run through our minds, we just say or do something else. The bottled up emotion has to go somewhere. So it comes out in tears. Like a pressure cooker, after it heats up so much steam starts to come out. The same with us. After we feel so much pressure the tears start to flow. I think that journaling is a very good idea. I find that when I look back on situations I made it through and times while I was writing that I really didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day, it encourages me because I did make it through and I'm still standing. You are also able to see where you have grown or where you are still struggling. I am a people pleaser. In a marriage where the spouse is not clear about their intentions sometimes we do everything in our power to make them want us, turn back to us, and love us. But you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to or what is not in them to do. Try to do some 180’s. It is helping me. You are not alone. As I am talking to you, I’m telling myself the same thing. We have to care about ourselves more then we care about them. Tears are your way of coping right now. You are in a situation that is not easy and I’m sure is very hard on your self esteem all around well being. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take some walks by yourself or long drives where you can just be free to cry all you want. The key though is after you shed your tears, you wipe your eyes, blow your nose, get back up and keep fighting. Don’t stay in that place of woe is me. Have your cry, make it a good one and then dust yourself off and keep going. Sooner or later you will find that you cry less and are not so bottled up. I’m praying for you and you are not alone.
