I'm pregnant. He's sleeping with OW.

[petiteflower]

Pregnant....

I've re-read your entire situation and some of the decisions you are struggling with with. Some questions... and then some thoughts come to mind.

1) Your H has stated that he did not want the child. You also have stated that he has gone around saying the child is not his. My H did the same when I was pregnant, insisted on DNA test, etc. My feelings at the time mirrored yours now.

However, some time after our S3 was born, I came to find out that my H was the result of a breif affair his mother had in her early 20's with a man in his mid-40's. H had been brought up by his mother to beleive he was the result of a separate affair his mother had with another man in his 40's, a man H had only connected with a few years prior to learning the truth of his biological roots. Having not had a father most of his life, and a very controlling, manipulative mother, this was a huge blow for him. The alledged father quickly dropped his relationship with my H after the truth came out. The experience colored my H perceptions about fatherhood, relationships, etc., and I contributed greatly (I believe) to how he handled my pregnancy.

Why do I bring all this up? I'm wondering if there isn't something in your H's past that is bringing up similar issues for him? Fear of fatherhood; confronting hurts of the past, etc. Have you considered where the root of some his statements about your unborn son may be stemming from? I know from my expereince, though it did not excuse my H's behavior during my pregnancy, it certainly put things into context and colored the experience differently for me afterwards. Utimatley, this made it easier for me to forgive him for his behavior and to move on pass the anger.

It may be something to think about.

2) I love that you are a strong woman; very much like myself. However, I also know from my sit w/ my H, that my strength at times also carries over to control issues, and causes problems between H and I. I'm wondering if this might not be a bit of an issue between you and your H as well, given some of the statements he's made about you and his imaginary "June Cleaver". I also find it intertesting that H tried to "blame" you for the end of the reconcilation after you walked in on him. Do you think that perhaps his perception of that encounter was you trying to take control from him, trying to control the end results of siatuations in his life? Please don't take this to mean that what he did was right, and what you did as wrong.... I was just thinking if this was an issue for him, it could perhaps put into context his negative behavior since that encounter.

3) Finally.. some thoughts, from one who has been there.

I do sense a lot of internal conflict in you still; anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt, sadness, trapped, etc. And I really feel for you, because I know the pregnancy really enhances those feelings.

My advice is to not act out in anger and hurt though, because utimatley it does not serve the baby's best interests. I struggled too with this one... but the more I thought about it, the only outcome I saw for my H and I when I was pregnant was negative.... if I pushed.

I realized putting my H in a financially hurtful situation would not utimatley serve the interests of my son, as it would cause H to have less time for S b/c he would need to work more, as well as cause an undue amount of stress for H, making him less emotionally available for S. THis does not mean not to seek support for S; but to seek more than is needed due to feelings of revenge/resentments, etc., may not be the best tactic to undertake for your son. As they say... money isn't everything.

I also realized that if I continued to act out in in anger and hurt, it would create further distance betweem H and I, and make us less effective parenting partners.... again, utimatley hurting our S. This does not mean I just let H go on his merry way, drinking, partying, and generally having a life of no responsability while I was pregnant. But I made a point to give him space and "choose" certain battles, so to speak, with him. I felt that by calmly handling issues important to me regarding the pregnancy and our R, I was not allowing him to walk all over me, even if he then acted out in ways that I did not approve of, nor could control. I realized that acting out in anger and spite only reinforced that he was indeed, walking all over me...... By maintaining my calm, I was able to show strength and conviction, and gain some respect and trust in the process.

Additionally, the six weeks of darkness between H and I when I was pregnant really helped me focus, calm myself and my emotions, and plan a strategy of "attack" for when dealing with H when coming out of the dark... You do have 4.5 months to go before your due date, so you do have a bit of time to play with. Might serve you good, as others suggested, to limit contact and stop the pursuing behaviors, before embarking on any irreversiable course (lawsuit, etc). It may also help you determine whether or not your are reacting out of hurt, or geninune conviction.

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit here. But I hear you sister and know its not easy. Just don't let the anger and hurt color your perception of what actions best serve you and the baby. I know its hard to swollow our pride sometimes, but utimatley, at times, it serves us better in these situations....

I'm keeping tabs on you...

PF