bigAl, this is journaling in response to your thought-provoking question about good vs. evil.
NYS, if you're reading this, keep in mind it's journaling. Venting. Might not be rational. All the dots might not connect.
I think a very fine line exists between doing what's right and doing something out of revenge, especially in such an emotional sitch. In fact, I would argue that the line is sometimes very blurred.
When I first started contemplating what I would do in regard to my H's adultery issue, my first idea was to do what's right by me and my unborn child (I can't really include the girls, because they're not H's legal obligation). I don't want to find myself in the position I was in after ex-H left me to raise D8&D9. Three years after that D was all said and done, I found myself scraping pennies just to survive. I literally lived off school-loan refunds, which now I'm repaying.
But at what point do I stop? I mean, I don't know exactly how much I'll need to survive. But that's what the courts' financial affidavits are for, I suppose. Being preggo and abandoned and cheated on, not many judges won't be sympathetic toward me. Maybe one or two that wouldn't. In other words, the odds are in my favor that I could prolly get more from my H than it actually takes for me to survive.
The question is: What *is* the right thing to do? Do I live life mediocre just to make sure I'm not incurring any bad karma? Or do I understand this sitch for what it is: My dream life being ruined by two selfish people ... then I fight fire with fire by being selfish myself? Or am I actually being selfish by wanting a better-than-average life for me and my baby? By fighting to provide us a life close to what I was accustomed to, at least financially?
I don't want to go into the darkness with H and OW. I want to stand in the light. But I don't want to be naive. I don't want to make decisions based on my bad feelings, or my good feelings, toward H. Or my bad feelings toward OW.
They both did something that was very inconsiderate of me. That may be excused by them, or by people who say "This has nothing to do with you; it's about them." But I won't excuse it. There's nobody looking out for me but me. And what they did is not okay.
My point is, bigAl, that I don't know the difference right now between getting what I deserve, doing the right thing and seeking revenge. I can't figure that one out. Maybe the answer will come to me in time. That's why I'm writing about it, and certainly taking peoples' responses to heart. I'll go back to my favorite quote, which I posted on BB's thread not too long ago. This is where I am right now, in a state -- again, as BB would say -- of total groundlessness. And this really is the only place to be. Nothing in this life is permanent. Not even my feelings.
"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…" ~Rainer Maria Rilke
