Ok preggo, it is an intricate dance. Like it or not, you have some positive feelings towards him. Like or not, he has some towards you. It is true of all of us here - yes, all of us on both the LBS and WAS sides.

You also have anger towards him. He has anger towards you. Once again, a clear factor for all of us (cept me of course. I'm a wimp).

So what happens? You boil over with fury, justifiable don't get me wrong. He lashes out at you with OW. You still have positive feelings for him and feel a little bad about him being defenseless. He still has positive feelings towards you and feels bad for cheating. You try to warn him. He tries to stand up and take it because it's what he deserves. The feelings are not necessarily integrated with each other or with the other person's although they can be.

The muisc plays louder and you whirl around, in and out in the complicated dance of love and hate.

The key to this whole thing is NOT whether the two of you (or the two of any us) will ever be the lovers we once were. The KEY is what does each of us do with these emotions? We're all individuals with different personalities, life experiences, understandings of the world, etc. We will behave in different ways. We hope to behave in ways that we can look back on and think "If I didn't always do the right thing to make it better, then at least I did do the RIGHT thing in terms of what I think right and wrong are."

So what do you think is the ethically right thing? Not the thing to fix things between you, you may or may not get there and you may or not want to, but the right thing in the context of right and wrong, good and evil.

What that is may be different for each us. For example, I, like you, believe that looking for solutions to a marriage in sex/relationships with others is wrong. It is a despicable act, and I didn't do it and I hope I never will.

But once you have decided what the right thing is for you, then you can decide what you want to feel about the other person's choices. Your H's decision to do the wrong things ethically, outrages you and should. It's your choice how you react to it, and it is possible that how you feel will change over time. You can be outraged and disgusted, which you obviously are. You can be understanding, which you may grow to be some day.

But none of that changes the fact that you have positive feelings AND negative feelings for him, and he does for you. It shouldn't also change the fact that you are going to do in your heart what you know is the right thing.

You can't turn off warm feelings with a switch. No one can as much as we would all like to. You have to realize they can exist, side by side, with disgust and loathing. Then you have to decide what to do without basing it on those two sets of feelings but basing it instead on what you think is right.

Sorry for being philosophical. I sometimes see you trying so hard to keep your defenses up. I understand why and I don't blame you a bit, but as I have said before, I worry about you. I worry you'll get them so high that you'll never let anyone climb over them again.