Hey caverna! Legal proof is me walking in on him and seeing it with my own eyes. I know that sounds sketchy, but there are very real ways of "proving" this without pictures or anything else. There's a fun trick called bluffing that my H is dumb enough to fall for. That's what good Ls are for. If H chooses not to settle with me out of court, then it would be his word against mine in court. Character would come into play, and there's no doubt who a judge would side with. I also have that friend of mine who saw him at the intersection, beside OW, the other day, giving her that disgusting hand gesture. My friend's obviously willing to speak out. Then add to it the 13 phone calls a day between the two of them, and the fact that H abandoned me, and the evidence -- albeit a lot of it circumstantial -- is stacked against him. But circumstantial proof is still proof; always has been in a court of law. He's screwed.
I understand how most folks think I need to back off a little and give this a couple days to really think about -- and I certainly appreciate everyone's concern. Maybe one day I'll regret what I'm doing. But I doubt it. This isn't a choice I wanted to make. It was a choice that was forced on me. I'm not willing to wait in limbo and go through the motions to save my M when this is not the man I want to be with anymore. He's simply crossed the line. There's no going back.
There's a lot of crap going on in your sitch right now, but that's not your whole life. Probably some positive things have happened in other arenas for you, like maybe at work or something. Anything interesting you can think of to share?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
You are soooo smooth, BB. Are you lookin' for a way for me to brag about myself? Strokin' the ego today, eh?
Okay, yes, some fantastic news to share. Without getting into too many details, the newspaper I work for just found out yesterday that I received two state awards for my investigative coverage of a really long, really stinky issue in my hometown. It was great news, kinda like a pat on the back.
The whole issue is one that spanned 14 months; I think I had no less than two dozen articles when it was all said and done.
Those investigative skills are somethin'. I guess they come in more handy than just busting cheating spouses, eh?
Okay, OKAY. I shouldn't have ruined the mood with a shot at him. Sorry. What??? I am.
WTG, PDB, Hang in there, things will look up for you. Sorry I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom for you but I am here and do keep up with your sitch and send out prayers for you and your family.((((((huggs))))))
caverna, I like your perspective on that, and you're absolutely right. I may not know exactly what I *want.* But I know what I *don't* want. Perfect way to phrase that. And thanks.
You guys are lifting my spirits, and I thank you for that, as well. Hard days today, and in the future. It's good to know folks are keeping me in their thoughts.
Sorry to bust up the warm and fuzzy mood, but I need to put something out there for you guys to digest and get back to me on. I know you all really respected me for how I handled the OW sitch, but I have questions now that H is telling me that the way I handled that is what determined him not coming home. I know, I know. I shouldn't internalize that. But I've decided that when something else happens, it's best to throw it out to you guys to chew on a while so that I have the perspective of some very sharp people.
I just got off the phone with H, inquiring about his cancelling the court action to have me out of the house. I know I *should* leave those kinds of things to Ls, and I'm not even sure why I talked to him about it -- other than the fact that I still kinda want the piece of sh!t to protect himself some. Don't know why.
Anyway, I told him that my atty has not received notification that the action had been dropped, so apparently H's L hasn't dropped it. I told him I truly didn't know how that would factor in to anything, but that my L and I are planning to proceed with the ongoing action.
H was very calm for a change and said, "I'll call my L and tell him to notify your L that it's been dropped. I'm actually going to totally drop my L; I don't need one anymore." I told him that far be it from me to advise him, but to think twice about calling it quits with his L.
H said, "There's nothing I can do. The ball's in your court now." He was implying that he's absolutely screwed. I validated that for him. . Actually, I kinda acted like I didn't even hear him.
So why am *I* feeling guilty here? Like he's thrown in the towel? Like he's some innocent little bystander that's just waiting on me -- the big, bad, burly shark -- to come and eat him alive?
I think I may need a little psychiatric pep talk here. Maybe someone should remind me that this is the same d!ckhead who cheated on me, accused *me* of carrying someone else's baby and threatened *me* with a court order to kick me and my girls out of our home. This is the same guy who said last week he wanted to re-start our lives together, then turned around and dipped his nasty you-know-what in another desperate ho bag.
Can somebody refresh my mind about that??? Please???
prego, I won't refresh your mind. But what I will tell you, though, is that he hasn't asked you to stay (yet). He is not asking for a reconciliation. That's the part you have to think about.
Can somebody refresh my mind about that??? Please???
I dunno; seems like your mind is pretty fresh on those topics.
So why am *I* feeling guilty here? Like he's thrown in the towel? Like he's some innocent little bystander that's just waiting on me -- the big, bad, burly shark -- to come and eat him alive?
Because that's what you've wanted to feel like (and, well, me too), and how you've wanted him to feel the past couple of days? And now you've got what you want so you gotta figure out what you want next?
And maybe you were feeling pretty good about him not too long ago and despite a good, honest try, you can't turn your feelings for him completely around this quickly? And perhaps when he dropped the defensiveness and the assholiness you got a glimpse of the decent human being that's still there somewhere? The one you kinda like?
I'll tell you what this reminds me of, which is probably meaningless. As shocking as this may be, when the boys were younger, they would occasionally work really hard at it and earn themselves a solid spanking. And then they'd cry and carry on or whatever for fifteen minutes and then they were over it. It was as if all the crap they'd put us thru and the swats they'd gotten for it had never happened. Somehow the slate was clean for them. I used to get mad at W because due to her family background, she *hated* spankings. So sometimes she'd go toe-to-toe with them for what seemed like hours but was probably more like ten or fifteen minutes straight of arguing and yelling back and forth. And even if the kid would finally give in, they'd still be mad an hour later and something else would set them off.
Now, I'm not going to debate the merits of various child discipline approaches. And I don't think H's mind works like that of a little kid, even though it may appear that way sometimes. But maybe all the anger and talk of lawyers lately has been his spanking. So something snapped and now he's back to a little bit of a clean slate. We'll see.
Meanwhile, don't fight your feelings, even if they're more positive toward him than you want. Just accept that maybe you don't quite know how you feel about this whole deal quite yet. You've got time.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Ok preggo, it is an intricate dance. Like it or not, you have some positive feelings towards him. Like or not, he has some towards you. It is true of all of us here - yes, all of us on both the LBS and WAS sides.
You also have anger towards him. He has anger towards you. Once again, a clear factor for all of us (cept me of course. I'm a wimp).
So what happens? You boil over with fury, justifiable don't get me wrong. He lashes out at you with OW. You still have positive feelings for him and feel a little bad about him being defenseless. He still has positive feelings towards you and feels bad for cheating. You try to warn him. He tries to stand up and take it because it's what he deserves. The feelings are not necessarily integrated with each other or with the other person's although they can be.
The muisc plays louder and you whirl around, in and out in the complicated dance of love and hate.
The key to this whole thing is NOT whether the two of you (or the two of any us) will ever be the lovers we once were. The KEY is what does each of us do with these emotions? We're all individuals with different personalities, life experiences, understandings of the world, etc. We will behave in different ways. We hope to behave in ways that we can look back on and think "If I didn't always do the right thing to make it better, then at least I did do the RIGHT thing in terms of what I think right and wrong are."
So what do you think is the ethically right thing? Not the thing to fix things between you, you may or may not get there and you may or not want to, but the right thing in the context of right and wrong, good and evil.
What that is may be different for each us. For example, I, like you, believe that looking for solutions to a marriage in sex/relationships with others is wrong. It is a despicable act, and I didn't do it and I hope I never will.
But once you have decided what the right thing is for you, then you can decide what you want to feel about the other person's choices. Your H's decision to do the wrong things ethically, outrages you and should. It's your choice how you react to it, and it is possible that how you feel will change over time. You can be outraged and disgusted, which you obviously are. You can be understanding, which you may grow to be some day.
But none of that changes the fact that you have positive feelings AND negative feelings for him, and he does for you. It shouldn't also change the fact that you are going to do in your heart what you know is the right thing.
You can't turn off warm feelings with a switch. No one can as much as we would all like to. You have to realize they can exist, side by side, with disgust and loathing. Then you have to decide what to do without basing it on those two sets of feelings but basing it instead on what you think is right.
Sorry for being philosophical. I sometimes see you trying so hard to keep your defenses up. I understand why and I don't blame you a bit, but as I have said before, I worry about you. I worry you'll get them so high that you'll never let anyone climb over them again.
Strokin' the ego today, eh?