Hey, bigAl! I do feel lucky. Thanks for sharing your time and thoughts with me.
First, didn't you say H said his roomie was moving or am I confusing you with someone else?
That's me. Roomie is moving sometime in January, and last I talked to H, he was unsure what he would do. Of course he was planning to move back in the house. I don't think he can afford rent anywhere else since, yes, he's paying the mortgage on this house (which legally we look at as spousal support). H filed that court action to get me outta the house, but he was supposed to drop it once he and I agreed to our own terms a couple weeks ago. I haven't heard if his L did drop it. H had agreed to me not to put the house on the market until July 31, with him continuing to pay the mortgage until then. Of course that's when we were on good terms. But even if it does end up going to court (if his L didn't drop the complaint), I've got two strong legs to stand on now, so I'm sure I'll get my way in the end.
I don't want to live here, but I have to (legal reasons) for now. After the baby's born, I hope to move. I should be able to afford it (though things'll still be tight) with spousal/child support.
What you really want is SPACE between you and H.
Bingo! And good suggestions about avoiding while being polite.
I think I have seen you going to him a lot lately. Calling him, writing letters, meeting him outside, etc. Stop that.
Point taken. And I've realized that I did get a little pushy. Why? Well, my excuse is that H had recommitted to my M. We were getting back together, having and making plans to move together.
BUT, I didn't start pushing until after the sh!t hit the fan with OW on Wed., so you're absolutely right. I should've stopped. Just stopped. But my anger and confusion and hurt got the best of me. I wanted to stop what happened Wed. from ruining the progress made. I was desperate. I was feeling so wonderful, so blessed, that H was coming home. I wasn't under the stress I've been under for 3 months. I was eating well again, sleeping well again, working well again. It was all so wonderful, and I grasped when it all slipped through my fingers. I'll stop now. Just had to get it outta my system, I guess.
I know the world has screwed you more times than you can count.
Yes, indeed, bigAl. But it's also been wonderful to me -- even more times than it's screwed me. Look at the things we all take for granted. For instance, I may have lost H, but look how many friends I've picked up because of it. You're one.
I've had this hanging by my desk since I struggled through losing my first H nine years ago. It's actually from a book I read about bipolar disorder (the title escapes me right now), but forget about the bipolar part for a second. I've always felt that this sums up what I went through (and am going through) -- and how I feel -- due to losing someone I love. It doesn't focus so much on the process as mush as I believe it does the wonderful feelings we'll have in the end -- mainly because of what we learned through the process. This passage is a constant reminder that we grow through struggle, often becoming a much better, much more sensitive and much more loving person.
I'm hoping this may be as helpful to some of you as it always has been to me:
So why would I want anything to do with this illness? Because I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; worn death "as close as dungarees," appreciated it -- and life -- more; seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty and seeing things through. I have seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they both are. Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know. And I think much of this is related to my illness -- the intensity it gives to things and the perspective it forces on me. I think it has made me test the limits of my mind (which, while wanting, is holding) and the limits of my upbringing, family, education and friends.
Thanks for that paragraph. It really struck a cord with me (I copied it and printed it out).
I've read your stitch and really feel for you. Not much to offer in the way of advice except to seek some free legal aid for yourself. Is there some kind of women's center near you? Hang in there!
Hey, flaneur! Thanks for stopping by. Sheesh, what a reputation I've earned around here: The one who pooped in the pool. That's me.
I appreciate your thoughts so very much. I actually do have free legal aid; fortunately, a very good friend of mine is also a L -- and, might I add, the best one this side of the Mississippi. I'm very well protected there.
I have a meeting with him this afternoon. I'll be posting more then.
I posted this under another thread, but it seems to be somewhat applicable here as well. Maybe it will provide some solace, advice, and hope for both you and PNDbing....
"Though the story I'm about to tell doesn't exactly mirror the OM/OW situation, I find there are a lot of similarities and lessons learned from it...
When I got pregant with our S, my H and I were not at a good point in relationship... in fact, we had just started to "date" each other again, and were trying to work through the issues that tore us apart months before. When I finally confirmed to my H that I was indeed pregnant, and had decided I was going to have the baby no matter what, he flipped out. Told me he had just wanted me for the sex, that having the baby would be a mistake, that he wasn't emotionally or financially in a place to support a child, etc. Some very painful stuff. He walked out of my apartment, and we didn't talk for 6 weeks.
That was probably the lowest point in my life: 3 months pregnant, just out of college, in a low paying job, and the man I loved walked out on me. I had to go and tell family and friends that I may have made a mistake and was going to be a single parent and needed help. 6 weeks later I finally called H to see if he would sit down and talk with me about what he wanted his future role in the baby's life to be. He agreed, and from there on, we slowly, and I mean slowly, started to try to trust one another again. At first, I just got a phone call every couple days... then visits once a week... then twice a week... phone calls every day.... at 7 months pregnant he told his mother... at 9 months pregnant, his friends.... and, when, after 20 hours of labor, we found ourselves blessed with a healthy, beautiful baby boy, my H told me he loved me for the first time since the night the child was conceived.
Did I resent him at times? Sure? Angry at his indecision about his role in my life? Yes. Sad he wasn't there for me at times to share my pregnancy in full with me? Of course. But the one thing I kept thinking during that time was that no matter how I felt, I ultimatley, deep down inside of me, knew what a great man H could be, and I had faithin him and, if I could give him the gift of time and patience, he would come to his senses, also have faith in me, and we would start a family together. It was not easy, and there were a lot of times I was very down, but I surrounded myself with friends and family and tried to appreciate what little my H could offer, while at the same time preparing myself mentally and financially for the possibility I would be a single parent. And when I stopped having expectations of my H, and let things progress on his schedule, didn't ask for more than he could offer, let him reach out for me, he slowly started to warm again to me...
Thinking back now, since our S was born, I got away from that tactic... and it may have, over time, led to our current sitation... I never knew it at the time, but I was DBing unconsciously throughout my pregnancy!
Just concentrate on yourself right now honey, on what is good for you. Today was only a minor set back, and tomorrow is a new day. Detach, GAL, and just mentally prepare yourself for whatever may happen. "
PetiteFlower
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
What great insight you give! I am amazed at your strength, given your past circumstance. Isn't it amazing how these men can freak out and act like idiots over normal life stuff? I take that back, a baby is joyous miracle that they are lucky to be a part of!!!
I just wanted to tell you that you sound amazingly together considering your situation. I think you are getting some great advice, such as not initiating any contact with your husband right now. Just say hi if you do happen to see him on the street.
Please do not allow yourself to believe that YOU "blew it" by walking in on your husband and another woman. You are not to blame for anything of the kind. I don't like it that he has convinced you if only you hadn't seen that, he'd be back home. Stay strong and take care of baby.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey P&DB, I juts wanted to stop in and tell you I'm still reading up on you. I have een, but I was so angry when I read what he did to you, it was a good thing for me not to post. After thinking about you for a couple of day, the only advice I can give , and you know my sitch, is maybe let everything cool down for a while. Your H sounds really messed up right now. I'm not making excuses for him, b/c what he id is just not right, especially saying the whole "I gave you a chance" bull crap, but maybe you two just need a big breather.
I know how you feel, if that happened to me, I would want to give up. But I know that I need to stick it out.
So maybe just give it some time to heal up a bit.
Thanks for checkin in on my post, I was starting to feel like I was all alone.
Thank you so much for all of this. hopefloats, thanks for your words of encouragement. Please stop by any time. I need a light like you around. Petiteflower, you're an inspiration. I feel like I'm a magnet for this sitch, as this is actually my third pregnancy alone. My two daughters have the same dad, but he and I weren't "together" when I got preggo with D9. We got together afterward, when I got preggo with D8. During that pregnancy, he left me.
I should be an expert at this. I never "won" my first H back; I'm glad about that now. And I don't know what's going to happen with now-H. I had really hoped he would pick his son over OW. But it appears he's so ticked off about me exposing him that he's willing to throw his hands in the air and say screw it. He told me Saturday -- one week after he had "recommitted" to our M -- that he's back with OW now because of me catching him...
But I'm right there with hopefloats. I won't accept that I blew some chance he supposedly gave me. That's absurd!
I guess what I'm gonna do next likely would blow it, if there was anything to "blow," but my H has made it clear that he's done. And I feel he's crossed the line with me. I gave him the opportunity to be honest with me about his R with her. I could have forgiven anything that would have happened before that point (which was last Sat.). But he lied to me about the extent of the R. That's one of my boundaries: I can't stand being lied to. The sex part is important, too; I'm not sure I could have forgiven the "goodbye sex." But I'd like to think that I could have. I just can't get over him lying to me.
So here's what I'm going to do now, which is kinda the result of my atty. appt. today:
We're writing a letter to OW, asking for her financial information. I'm preggo. She knew it. H and I were reconciling. He says he had told her. She knowingly entered into a R with a man who she *knew* was M with a baby on the way. And the phone records I scooped the other day show the likelihood that she knew he was leaving me three days before he did. It's very possible we could prove the likelihood that he left me for her. We will be able to argue that she intentionally entered the picture to break apart my otherwise happy M.
The biggest reason we'll be doing that, though, is to have leverage against H. Last month, he filed an action against me to force me out of the house, which we have to answer next month. We'll be answering with our own lawsuit for substantial spousal support, based on his abandonment and now adultery.
The big question mark is what H will do for OW. Will he defend her, or throw her under the bus? If I know him, he'll defend her. He's very faithful to his partners when he's in love with them. He could defend her by saying he never told her we were reconciling. But that still doesn't help him out any.
He's gonna be soooo pi$$ed at me for doing this, but I've come to the realization that as much as I would love to have a M, this one isn't the one I really want. He has turned, almost overnight, into a total monster. I don't know this man. He says he's done, that he's back with her now. I'm out of a M. I'll be damned if I'm walking away with nothing, facing the possibility of counting pennies for the rest of my life while OW walks away with the "prize" -- whatever's left of him anymore.
I have to take care of me. I have to take care of the baby. But the next 4 or 5 months certainly aren't gonna be pretty. Glad you guys are along for the ride.
Hey dontfret! Thanks for stopping by. You're never alone, GF. Hang in there. I'll pop in and visit you. If you ever need me before I get to you, send me a message here on my thread, and I'll get back with you then. Hang in there.
and making plans to move together. 
