Quote: We tuck our tail between our legs and walk off. Or we tell him how we *understand* how angry they must be that we blew our last chance.
Hey, P&DB...what a ride you are on here! Let me just give you my version of DBing. I have never claimed to be the perfect DBer, there were many times I felt I just couldn't keep my mouth shut!
To me, validating does *not* mean we tell the WAS everything they are doing is right. Validating means that we acknowlege our part in the marriage problems. That we can say, "yes, I see now what I was doing to help get us to this point. I can see how you got frustrated and upset and that I wasn't even aware of your feelings". It does NOT mean we say "yes, you were right to leave me". And validating (in my mind, others have different opinions) does NOT mean we say "Oh, yes go have your fun with OW. It's Ok". I never could do that. We all have to adjust the DBing to still remain true to our own personalities and our own values.
And to me, the most valuable thing was realizing that sometimes I had to think twice about saying what I wanted to say. It's not tucking our tail, it's not backing down - it's simply using the wisdom to know when to speak and when to be quiet. It doesn't mean you are being weak or giving in. In fact, it's a strength that I wish I had learned earlier. Many of the words that I felt I just *had* to say didn't do me a darn bit of good. Maybe about ten minutes of feeling relief, then back to the same old. And really, if it is important, there will be a time to say it all...I'm learning to wait for the opportunity, instead of getting in my digs just because I can. That doesn't do anyone any good.
I know at this point, you are not at all sure about where you want your M to go - he hurt you so badly the other day, and you don't know what you can and can't forgive right now. That's OK. You don't have to make all your choices right now. But you should be careful that you aren't burning all your bridges either - time does heal, forgiveness is possible, and you don't know how you will feel in the future. Just be careful you don't say or do something you can't take back, that will remain in everyone's memory and be a huge stumbling block. But don't beat yourself up either...every one of us here has said or done things that weren't in the DBing manual - put it behind you and move on!
