The "old" P&DB would tell him to f**k off, because now that I can deduce he's been seeing her for some time, I don't feel like *I* should be the one trying to chase him. And I want so badly to tell him that. I want to be done working on the M, but I don't necessarily want it to *be* done. Does that make sense?
I guess at the end of the day, I want to see some remorse from him. I want to see the guilt instead of the anger. But from everything I read, that's not going to happen. So where does that leave me? Continuing to put effort into saving my M? Or do I just throw in the towel until he's awake from whatever nightmare he's living in?
Right now I can't decide if I want to continue being the water, or if I want to let my ego get the best of me. I feel like my M is doomed no matter what I do, so why not go out in that hardcore fashion he admires so much? Why don't I just tell him to f**k off, then sue both their freakin' socks off? Why *don't* I do that? I decided to snoop so I could have the legal angle I needed to blow his sorry a$$ outta the water. I was getting ready to accept blame for his leaving. I actually bought into his sh!t!
I had to know the truth. That's all there is to it. There was a reason everything came down the way it did.
But I really have to wonder, without *me* working on the M, what's going to happen to it? He's ready to give up. I'm tired of trying. So that's that? We just go about our merry ways?
One of my *biggest* fears is that I'm going to get over him. I'd like to say I could leave the door open for a while. But if he's not walking through it, I know how I am. I've done this a million times. He leaves and stays gone for a while. I'm humiliated and ticked that I'm sitting at home preggo while he's out, able to do everything he wants to do, including getting laid. My anger builds over the months, even though I'd still take him back. The baby's born. He realizes he wants to be with me. By then, *I'm* able to go out and do what I want to do, including getting laid. I'm able to go out with friends and drink 2 or 5 or 12 drinks. F**k him!! He left me for that long, and just when *I* can live *my* life again, he wants to throw his sorry foot in *my* door? No. I'll be done.
There is so much in your post that I really relate to. These feelings of "what do I do now and why am I even trying?!?" This whole process is maddening! I am like you, the old me would have told anyone else to f*** off and move on with my life. I think the big difference here is that you haven't given up on your morals. You believe that marriages are supposed to work. You believe in the best for your children. You believe in love. Your H is so disillusioned right now he can't see the forest from the trees.
You really should give yourself some credit! I'm still inspired by the way you handled yourself when you found your H with his pants down, literally. I actually caught my H making out with his OW on Thursday night and I didn't handle it as well as you did. I even thought of you and how much better you reacted to the sitch than I did. It's amazing though that I read your post and your sitch and then I had my own just a few days later. I guess the Lord prepares us for things so we can deal with them as best as possible. You're not full of hot air - you have great insight to help others!
It's so tricky to figure out how to really deal with the sitch to get the outcome we desire. You have been doing things really well, since your H even said he was recommiting to your marriage. Yes, he stumbled, but there's a theory in education that may help explain things. When you have a student that is acting up and has developed a pattern of bad behavior, it takes time to break them of that behavior. Just when they're at the point of almost self-correcting, there's what's called an "extention burst" and the behavior will re-erupt, often worse than before. It's like their own last-ditch effort to continue the pattern, even though they realize what they are doing is wrong. Your H is a big child right now! Yes, he recommitted to you, but that's why he was with her "one last time." It's his last ditch effort to say goodbye to this distructive pattern he's fallen in to. It's weird, but I've seen it happen with students many times. These guys have the mentality of an elementary school student anyway, so it makes sense that those theories would apply
Vent here on the board anytime - you certainly have the right and we're all here to help!
