(VJ) you also let him know you are going to take some time to decide how much you think you can forgive - so you didn't close the door entirely.
Ya know, this is where I'm confused about my own self. In validating my H's feelings over the past month, and in really trying to save my M, I feel kinda like I've lost myself. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean, I've seen the changes that DBing can make. But my H's sleeping with someone else. He tells me that was the first time, but I'm not stupid. His phone records indicate that he called OW moments before he called a hotel that he and I had been at, ML all night, in the mountains, just a month before. He didn't call OW for the rest of the weekend. So 2+2 has always equaled 4 to me.
But regardless, my DBing efforts worked. He was getting ready to come home, right? But he's still sleeping with her??? Does that make sense? What did DBing do for me? Yeah, perhaps it was going to bring *a* H home, but not *my* H. Maybe he would've come home and continued to see how naive I was *choosing* to be because I was validating d**n near everything he was doing. And then he would've decided that he could carry on both Rs. Gawd knows by the looks of things, OW wouldn't have minded. Skank.
The "old" P&DB would tell him to f**k off, because now that I can deduce he's been seeing her for some time, I don't feel like *I* should be the one trying to chase him. And I want so badly to tell him that. I want to be done working on the M, but I don't necessarily want it to *be* done. Does that make sense?
I guess at the end of the day, I want to see some remorse from him. I want to see the guilt instead of the anger. But from everything I read, that's not going to happen. So where does that leave me? Continuing to put effort into saving my M? Or do I just throw in the towel until he's awake from whatever nightmare he's living in?
I guess I feel like I've done everything backwards; and a lot of that stems from me not being true to myself and my feelings throughout this process. Then again, maybe that's my ego. Because I am, after all, pretty humiliated by what went down this week -- and what I didn't pick up on, apparently from the beginning of our separation.
Right now I can't decide if I want to continue being the water, or if I want to let my ego get the best of me. I feel like my M is doomed no matter what I do, so why not go out in that hardcore fashion he admires so much? Why don't I just tell him to f**k off, then sue both their freakin' socks off? Why *don't* I do that?
what you feel today may not be what you feel tomorrow.
Am I ever learning that the hard way!
(bigAl) Come here and help us with your obviously keen insight into human behavior and motivation.
Don't worry, bigAl; I'll be sticking around here. Don't know that my insight counts for much anymore; after all, look at the sitch I'm in, ya know? But I've certainly got a lot of hot air, and some ideas to go along with it.
You have put enough effort into the whole thing with him for awhile, but I know how hard it is to resist trying something else or dwelling.
That's the heart of my dilemma. I feel like I've put forth *all* the effort. And then what do I get in return? Catching my H in a compromising sitch?? That's it??? That's my reward??? *This* is what I've worked for? We were taking freakin' baby steps, ya know? I can't forget that. But I *certainly* can't forget what I saw the *day* after he re-committed to me. I guess I could've let everything roll off my back on Wednesday, like I have for the past three months. I guess, in order to "save my M" , I should've never walked in the house to begin with, when I knew in my gut what was going on. And I guess I shouldn't have immediately acted on this thought: "That bastard! Maybe he left me for her, instead of all this garbage he's been throwing at me, blaming *me* for everything, since day one." When I thought that, I decided to snoop so I could have the legal angle I needed to blow his sorry a$$ outta the water. I was getting ready to accept blame for his leaving. I actually bought into his sh!t!
I had to know the truth. That's all there is to it. There was a reason everything came down the way it did.
But I really have to wonder, without *me* working on the M, what's going to happen to it? He's ready to give up. I'm tired of trying. So that's that? We just go about our merry ways?
One of my *biggest* fears is that I'm going to get over him. I'd like to say I could leave the door open for a while. But if he's not walking through it, I know how I am. I've done this a million times. He leaves and stays gone for a while. I'm humiliated and ticked that I'm sitting at home preggo while he's out, able to do everything he wants to do, including getting laid. My anger builds over the months, even though I'd still take him back. The baby's born. He realizes he wants to be with me. By then, *I'm* able to go out and do what I want to do, including getting laid. I'm able to go out with friends and drink 2 or 5 or 12 drinks. F**k him!! He left me for that long, and just when *I* can live *my* life again, he wants to throw his sorry foot in *my* door? No. I'll be done.
And that's what happens.
He is telling himself that those tender moments were all faked by you or he has forgotten them for nonce.
Perhaps you're right, but we've shared several tender moments in the past few weeks. I hope he remembers those...
(Sorry for the anger this a.m., guys. I guess you can tell what emotion in that lovely cycle I was feeling when I woke up. )
, I should've never walked in the house to begin with, when I knew in my gut what was going on. And I guess I shouldn't have immediately acted on this thought: "That bastard! Maybe he left me for her, instead of all this garbage he's been throwing at me, blaming *me* for everything, since day one." When I thought that, I decided to snoop so I could have the legal angle I needed to blow his sorry a$$ outta the water. I was getting ready to accept blame for his leaving. I actually bought into his sh!t!
