Welcome! Sorry you find yourself here - what a day you have had today! I can only send you my hugs and warm thoughts. You have received excellent advice already. I do think it is time to go very dark. He is completely clueless right now, so you need to distance yourself from his chaos. Vent here all you like and please take care!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Thanks, guys, for your support. I have an update. Last night, I had to call H to find out directions to Christmas lights I was taking the girls to see. He was joking around about my sense of direction. After we hung up, I heard from my L, who told me that I should find out four things about OW:
1. Her name 2. If she knows I'm preggo 3. If she knew H and I had been attempting to reconcile 4. If she's aware of the State of N.C.'s alienation of affection law.
I called my H back, with my best innocent voice, and asked him to come clean about a few things. First, her name. He told me, and I knew immediately who it was. It's an interior designer who I've mentioned on the boards before as the only person I could fathom he was seeing. Sure 'nuff. I said, "Oh, the interior designer?" And in his typical "I'll-act-all-excited-to-hide-my-nervousness" fashion, he shouted "Yeah" while he was laughing. I said, "So it has been going on for some time?" And he said, "No. Absolutely not." I asked if she knew about the alientation of affection law -- that was the fun part of the conversation, 'cause my L said it's time to have a little fun with this, and I agree -- H, of course, acted stupid. He said, "Well, she knows that you and I are going to be working things out and getting back together. I told her that three days ago, and she knew it when we did what we did today."
This is when I threw DBing slap out the window. I laughed and asked if he was joking. He responded, "No. We are going to work things out, right? I mean, you told me I could continue things with her." I knew that one was coming, so I said, "No. I told you that I would accept that *before* you promised me you were recommitting to me and our M. If you needed to tell her 'goodbye,' you should have done it before you had committed to me on Saturday. What you did is unacceptable."
He got angry and said, "Well, I guess I f**ked up, didn't I?" I told him he had done that the minute he walked out, but I was willing to forgive everything up to Saturday, when he told me he planned to work on our M. He said "F**k it, then, I'm done," and hung up.
He called back 30 minutes later, syrupy sweet (like he had gotten some good advice from a freaked-out OW). He asked, "Why has your attitude changed so much since lunch? You didn't act like it bothered you then." I told him I was in shock. He said, "Well why didn't you tell me then that you didn't want me to do it?" I asked, "What would it have changed?" He said, "I don't know." I talked a little more, and he ended up getting angry again, saying "I'm done," before hanging up on me again.
I tried to call him back an hour or more later, after a wise friend told me not to let OW win so easily. He wouldn't answer his phone. I left a message, but he never returned my call.
To find OW's address, I checked my H's cell phone records back to August. It's the first time I've snooped, but I knew I had to do it. And it was there, as blatant as could be. Print doesn't lie like H does. He had "business" conversations with her, that I was aware of BTW, beginning in August. Two days before he left me, he had a 40-minute conversation with her. He had another one with her that evening, and two other phone calls to her the night he left. If/when she's calling him does not show up on the bill, but I can tell when he calls her. And they're both freakin' obsessed. They talk sometimes 10 times a day, from 6:30 a.m.-12:30 a.m. I printed the list to give to my L to prove a pattern of this, dating back to before H left me. I had to do that to protect myself.
And I knew my H was going to catch me 'cause I had to change his password to get in. So I knew he would be notified that his password had changed. But I didn't care. I knew by the time he found out, I'd have everything I needed.
I wrote him a letter -- not a *really* sappy one -- and called him this morning because I knew he was angry, and I couldn't accept going dark without squaring things away, or kinda putting the ball squarely in his court. He was very cold at first, then absolutely went nuts. "You f**ked up. Why the f**k did you get into my phone records?" I told him that I needed to know the truth. Told him a little of what I discovered. He said "bullsh!t" and eventually hung up on me. I drove to his work -- my last grasping effort -- to give him the letter. I was very calm. Text messaged him that I was outside, he came out, slammed the door behind him and shouted, "Give me the letter." I did, and I don't care what he does with it.
In it, I'm trying to understand his rationale. He's in a caring R with someone, after all. She's giving him something I didn't. How can I compete? I did tell him that I prolly should've let him off the hook with the "goodbye" sex thing with OW, but that I reacted too quickly. I told him that it would take a lot of time and effort on both our parts to mend what has been broken, and that I wasn't sure he had the time or energy to do it. I'm leaving that to him. I asked him for one week to stay away from OW (and me) so he could decide what and who he wanted in his future. And likewise, I would take the one week to decide if I believe I'm able to move past what has happened.
Obviously, with checking his phone records, I handed him on a silver platter over to OW. I also gave him the excuse he needs to be angry and cast blame onto me again. He's transferring everything onto me, but I won't accept it. I did what had to be done. Knowledge is power, right, Ellie? It sucks. But it gives me legs.
I don't know what to expect next. Prolly for him to go running back to OW, right where my actions sent him. But I'm not actually responsible for that. I'm tired of being a friggin' doormat for him and taking his verbal abuse about me being the cause of all this madness ... when the fact is that he's been the cause, even more so that I would have ever imagined.
I've gone dark now, obviously. I've already done this for three weeks, so hopefully this time it won't be as hard. But it prolly will, considering now I know he's with OW. That's hard. But at least I know *why* he left now. And I told him that I appreciated him respecting me enough not to all-out chase her until he left me first.
I'm sorry P&DB.....I just don't get how if he thought you guys were working it out that it was OK to sleep with this woman. From what you said about the phone bill, it does sound like that is why he left, because he was calling her BEFORE he left. You need to stop apologizing because under no circumstances is what he did right in any way shape or form. It just isn't. He cheated on you plain and simple.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Remember, anger is guilt turned outwards. All the anger you are seeing right now is because he is feeling guilty and also worried that he has messed things up. Don't react to it - stay calm, and give him some space. Concentrate on making YOUR life exciting and new.
Thanks, girls. Becca, I'm with you. Doesn't make sense to me, either. But it doesn't have to, I suppose. I'm just glad to feel vindicated from the guilt that I was allowing him to make me feel. That's enough for today.
Ellie, I liked how you phrased that: anger is guilt turned outwards
I'm trying my hardest not to react. But every time I'm calm in the face of this crap, I feel like a big weenie, ya know? Oh well. I gotta do it this way so I have no regrets in the future. Except that I was a big fat weenie.
I could just give your H a good kick!! That's the alien mind because I don't know on what planet he thinks it would be OK to do what he did!
Im SO proud of you that you've put the ball back in his court on this. And that you're talking with your L and protecting yourself. It must be scary to do something you have to do knowing the reaction it'll get. I hope he wakes up soon and finds you still willing to work this out.
Thanks so much, Sheila. I appreciate your willingness to kick him. Really. Wish I could, too. Wish I could kick both of 'em.
Ya know, when H and I started the "reconciliation" process, he kept referring to a dilemma he was having over the girl he always *thought* he wanted -- he called her June Cleaver -- and me. He told me, "I always thought I wanted June Cleaver. But you're not June Cleaver; you're P&DB, and I'm not sure I want June Cleaver anymore." That led to other conversations about him wanting me to meet him at the door, sometimes with makeup or something (I don't wear makeup). He admitted, "That's my June Cleaver thing again." He said, "I mean, I like that, but I also like the hardcore P&DB." I started joking back and said, "Well at least I cook like June Cleaver," and he said, "Actually, I bet you cook better." Obviously, he was having an internal conflict.
But I'm starting to believe that it was also an external conflict. OW is June Cleaver. She makes him feel special. She goes out of her way to bring him lunch. She has sex with him during his lunch hour. She's obviously so very desperate and needy and willing to do whatever it takes to keep him. And that strokes his ego (among other things).
And just like my H said, I'm not June Cleaver. I'm P&DB; take me or leave me. I can make him feel special; I have before. But I can't emotionally depend on him. I never have, and I can't see that I ever would have. I am my own person. That's why he fell in love with me to begin with. He used to tell me how thankful he was that I didn't take an hour to get ready for the grocery store like his GF before me.
I just have to think that if he was having such an internal conflict over OW and me, wouldn't you think that means he was already growing tired of her? He was apparently willing to tell her that he was going to work things out with me, albeit I bet he used his "obligation" to the baby, especially with him finding out it's a boy.
And I wonder about the timing of everything. We had just started "reconciling" after Thanksgiving, and his entire demeanor turned more positive in three weeks. While at first he had told me to "get rid of that baby," early this week he's telling me how excited he is about him/her. Then we found out he's a boy, and H flipped! He was so ecstatic. He's told me he wants the baby to have both mom and dad under the same roof, and that he can't imagine living a life where he has to come on the weekends to pick up his son or daughter.
Not that it'll do me any good, but it's fun to speculate about the timing of his excitement about the baby, us finding out he's a boy, then me catching him with his pants down -- I just wonder how it's all gonna come together ... and what new and exciting twists his joy about having a baby boy is going to bring to the equation. It wasn't a factor a month ago. Maybe it won't make a difference. I dunno. Whaddyou think?
I think it puts you in a position of GREAT power. YOU can decide now if you want this to work, becuase you already know HE wants it to work. Whaddya wanna bet he has erection problems if he ever decides to sleep with OW again. He won't be able to get it up for fear you will come walking again. Traumatized for life
I think he really wants to be with you but as you said, he is torn. I think eventually he will be begging you to let him come home and it will be YOUR choice then.
Still a huge change from a month ago, huh.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Hey Becca! You make the third person that's mentioned that to me today: That in putting things back in H's court, I actually stripped the power he had right outta his hands. I told my sister that I didn't feel I have the upperhand emotionally. She told me I wouldn't feel that way 'cause I'm too wrapped up in what's going on. She told me to remember that all H knows is what he has seen. He doesn't know I'm up here, crying my eyeballs out every hour.
I'm still not so sure I have the upperhand. Maybe I'll start seeing things more clearly tomorrow. But thanks for your words of encouragement. They make me wanna go out an whoop some a$$!!!
