I'm pregnant. He's sleeping with OW.

[NYsurvivor]

*I* will not be working on my M. That's for sure. The ball's totally in his court now.

Soory about your sitch. Just wanted to chime in with this: There IS NO working on a marriage until you have TWO people working on the marriage earnestly. If the ball's in his court right now, don't expect it to be volleyed back.

[AndreaV]

WOW, PDB,

I am so impressed with your ability to keep your cool in the midst of the situation! You are amazing!!!!! I doubt that many of us would have reacted in the same way to the same situation. I know I would have totally lost it if I found my H doing the same thing. I'm so proud of you for your DB & DR methods! I'm nominating you for Divorce Remedier of the Year! Seriously, you are amazing!

[kalley79]

I agree with NYsurvivor. You both have to want to work things through. If it's over with her he shouldn't still be having her over bringing him lunch let alone sleeping with her. I know that it hurts but as my mother-in-law continues to say to me, "This too shall pass" Your life will not stay this way forever. Something will change. Until then and even after we are all here for you.


Kalley

[pregnant&DBing]

Hey guys. Good points. NY, I guess H was never a player in the game anyway, so it doesn't hurt that I'm stepping out, too. That's my rationalization for today.

I don't know what I should do. I've got people telling me left and right to tell him to go to hell. I don't see the benefit in that, but I don't see the benefit of acting as though it's okay, either. I'm relying on H's conscience to know I was hurt. And where is his conscience?

I know this is a common question, but: Do you think, by not confronting him, that he's taking that as me telling him it's okay to keep doing it? That I'm okay with it? I had told him just Saturday night, when he told me about her, that I understood why he felt the need to see her, and that I would understand if it was something he needed to continue. We are separated, after all.

He said, "No. I went out with her before I realized that I didn't really want to go through with separation."

I don't know what to do. Do I let him know it hurt? Does he know that? Do I continue acting like I am -- like it's his life, and it's okay? Because it is. But it hurts me, nevertheless.

If I continue acting like it's okay, then there's no way I can continue hanging out with him. I can't make him think that he can use me like that. He obviously wants the best of both worlds. But I can't let him have my world. I'm growing his child. I'm still here. Isn't that enough?

[pregnant&DBing]

Kalley and Andrea,

Thanks so much, both of you...

[Becca1975]

See....I'm one of those people who would love to see you tell him to go to hell, but I also know that I'm not married to the guy. Only you can make that call.

I definately would not pretend like it is ok, because it is NOT. SOmeone who intends to work out their marriage doesn't just decide to sleep with someone else. I guess I assumed it was the first time, but maybe not. Sounds like to me he tried to slip a "free" one in there before he recommitted. I'd make sure he knew that what he did was horribly wrong and hurt you so much. Maybe a good time for you to show that vulnerability that we talked about. Let him see you hurt.

[pregnant&DBing]

Thanks, Becca. I think right now I'm just planning to wait to see what he does. And I'll take it from there, hopefully after I've had some time to cool off. His all-time favorite band is in Charlotte tonight, so that's gonna keep him on cloud nine for today. But he has to come up here sometime because his car broke down yesterday, and he's been working on it in my driveway. Told me last night he'd be around a lot more often, but that he'd prolly be in a bad mood because he has to rebuild his transmission.

If I know him -- and obviously I don't -- he'll give it some time then nonchalantly say something like, "So I guess it's over now," or something like that. I wish I knew what to say in response.

[NYsurvivor]

Do you think, by not confronting him, that he's taking that as me telling him it's okay to keep doing it? That I'm okay with it?...
I don't know what to do. Do I let him know it hurt? Does he know that? Do I continue acting like I am -- like it's his life, and it's okay?

Confronting him... won't accomplish much if that's what he wants to do, right? Show by your actions and not your words that this is not acceptable to you. However, it is his life, his choice, at this time, though certainly not acceptable to you.

[pregnant&DBing]

I'm getting it, NY, but then again, I don't get it. Let me ask you this: How do I show him through my actions that it's not acceptable? Do I act like a bitch when he's around? Do I continue to act nice, but distant? I don't know...

[Becca1975]

I'D say to "go dark" in a way. Don't be a bitch, be pleasant. Similar to what you did to draw him back in the first place. Let him THINK you have no intentions of working it out, that he F-ed it all up himself and that he is missing out on this great person who is giving birth to his son. Don't stop until he is threatening suicide to get you back . (not really, but it sounds good).