Okay, I just caught my H with his pants down. I had just moved from Separated over to Piecing, because things were looking up. That is, until today.
Here's a brief low-down of our sitch:
I'm 28. He's 32. Married almost 2 years; been together 3 ½. I have D8 and D9 from a previous marriage, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant now. Two weeks after I found out I was preggo, H came home from work (on Sept. 16) and dropped the bomb -- out of absolutely nowhere. No indication, no warning. Everything had been beautiful up to that point. He had convinced himself the baby might not be his. He didn't start with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" stuff. He went straight for the throat: "I hate you. You make me sick. I've never loved you. I've been lying to you for three years."
I tried to rationalize with him for two weeks, when he would stop by to pick up more of his things. But he wouldn't have it, so I finally gave up. Tried to interest him in the baby to no avail. Told me he didn't want to have anything to do with him/her. I went completely dark for three weeks, then gradually came out, asking him to do me favors like change the oil in my car. That was right before Thanksgiving. Since, we've been mending things, and he took me on a date this past Saturday. He told me about a girl he had taken out a few times. Said he had called it off with her right before Thanksgiving and "noting happened" between the two of them. He said she kept saying she didn't want to be his rebound, and things were moving too serious, too fast. He said that's why he called it off with her. I told him I understood. He said it was important for me to know that he didn't leave me for her.
My H went with me and my girls to the ultrasound yesterday, and we found out we're having a boy. H was ecstatic. He was over last night, working on a car, and told me he thought we could work things out. He said he didn't see any reason to go through with the D. We talked about him moving back in in the future, etc.
Also last night, I asked him about his LL. He said it was "receiving gifts" from me, especially ones I make, like T-shirts that I design and make for him. So I went out today and got some T-shirt transfers and a black shirt. I scanned a picture of the baby's skull from yesterday's ultrasound, and put crossbones behind it (my H's style). I called him at lunch and left him a voicemail to tell him I had him a gift. Then I drove down to where he's living, across the street and three houses down.
I saw a car in the driveway that I had seen a girl driving there once before, but I didn't think much of it. Actually, I did. But I acted like I didn't. Tried knocking on the door, and he didn't come out, so I welcomed myself into the house and called his name. He didn't answer. So I called him again, walking toward his bedroom, and he said, "What?" and came out, pulling the door shut behind him. He was in his boxers.
The deer in the headlight look came next. I gave him the shirt and apologized for interrupting. He looked like I had just hit him with a baseball bat. He smiled, very sheepishly. Embarassed, obviously.
Ironically, I was passing by the house when both cars were pulling out of the driveway -- his and hers. I was behind them. She turned onto a road, so I was behind H. He called my cell and asked if I was freaked out. I told him no, that he had to do what he had to do. He said, "Well I'm not freaked out either 'cause I told you about her. I mean, I told you that I had cut it off with her, and I did. But she called today, wanting to bring me lunch, and then we just decided to have sex."
I reminded him again that we were separated, and that he could do whatever he needed to do. He said, "Okay, bye." Just like that, and that was it.
My heart is so broken right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. I just feel so confused. Any advice to get me kickstarted in this long, horrible process would be greatly appreciated.
