need some help/suggeations regarding appropriate behavior.
W has told me many times that I am controlling. I do agree she is correct in that assertion. This behavior manifests itself in many ways and many disguises.
Clearly it runs contrary to DBing principals.
I am looking for ways to identify what behaviors are controlling and suggestions as to how to avoid or stop them.
It's easy to say "Don't do it", but it it is also obssesive and compulsive behavior. I need some practical advice that I can put into action immediately.
When W and I were together I held the purse strings and we didn't communicate very well, if at all regarding the family finances and goals. If we did it usually ended up in an argument and regressed into hurtful, mean spirited comments from both sides.
On family vacations or even in day to day life I would try to orcestrate the outcome or direction that our days would take. I guess I had expectations (right or wrong) as to how the day should turn out and when things didn't work out the way I had envisioned arguments erupted. I would turn sullen and spoil what should have been enjoyable days together as a family or couple. I just couldn't go with the flow. As a result I set myself up for disappointment and set the stage for the ensuing drama.
Finally, since our separation and my W's infidelity I have become obssesed with where she is and what she's doing and who she's with. It's been going on over 10 months and I still have been unable to let it go. For many months I "snooped", cell phones, E-mails, incessent phone calls to check on her whereabouts or to spoil/interrupt any time she may be spending with the OM, drive bys, etc..
I've improved, but nowhere near enough. I've managed to stop checking the cell phone bills, I just look at the bottom line for the amount owed and have been diligent about avoiding ther call details. However I've am extremely deficient in most other areas and need some serious help to amend the behavior.
Example: Yesterday she called and asked me to go to her/our house and make certain that our three kids were fed and safe. She had to work at a clients home in a nearby community. No problem, so far so good. I had a couple of commitments, but was able to fit this last minute request into the mix. (that sounds bad that I have to fit my kids into my schedule, but it was last minute and I really did have other plans in the GAL catagory).
After stopping by to take care of the kids. I headed off to my first appointment. Well the appointment was cancelled. So now I've got an hour and a half to kill. This is where trouble begins to brew, at least in my tiny little mind.
I begin to think is she really working or is she using this opportunity to spend time with the OM. So I drive by the clients home. And yes she is there working, but his car is there too. WTF? Now my mind goes into hurt/jealous mode. I call her on her cell and confront her and the argument begins.
We had just taken a baby step forward the day before and here I am taking a giant leap backwards.
I hate myself for mistrusting her, I hate myself for not being trustworthy, I hate the fact that she asked him for help with her project and not me, I hate the fact that I spend so much time alone and he gets to spend so much time with the woman I love, I hate the jealousy...
She has accused me of "stalking" her, she's not wrong the behavior is just that. She has promised to get a restraining order if it ever happens again, and justifiably so. She needs to feel safe, she needs to feel trusted, she needs to be able to live her life as she chooses, she needs her privacy and she needs her space.
I need to give her that space, I need to respect her privacy, I need to stop this behavior.
PLEASE, PLEASE HELP - any advice or tecniques to get a handle on this. Any books or resources that can hep me gain control over my own emotions and subsequent behavior in this area.
Rationally I know that I can only control myself and my own actions, but I keep falling into the same trap over and over and try to control everyone else as well.
Crazee, I here you man. I'm only 10 weeks since the bomb, 4 weeks since the OM info and 2 weeks into the move out. I currently have pics, phone bills and other info. It made me feel better to know.
Lately I have realized through the DB friends here and a few other resources that all that stuff is a waste of time. I have changed myself. I was controlling in a Salesman kinda way. I am not anymore.
Here is a link that is more about the infidelity and helped me understand it even more than the DB chapter. Infidelity Info
Crazee, I wanted to post more. I also used to be obsessive with the schedule and the vacations and such. I also am the kind of person who, if he realizes that it is wrong just fixes/stops it. Since I have done that my world is in Color not Black & White. My relationship with my Stepson17 is better than I could have dreamed. My friends notice and are more my "friends". And believe it or not my wife notices!!! Now she prefaces it by saying it may or is too late but I'm not giving up or believing it!!
I guess my point is to decide what is the most important for YOU. For me it is my Wife and Family exclusively.
Here is a question - I too have emails, pics, phone records, etc. Shouldn't we have them handy in case our spouses drop the bomb on us? If they take us to court, would that help at all? They have almost all lied once, and they are bound to do it again if the need arises.
I know this website is for fixing marriages, but shouldn't we protect ourselves too?
Yes, but don't get yourself worked up over it all.
Here in my state there is legislation pending to award an aggrieved spouse who has had adultry or abandonment committed against them more than 50% of the marital assets.
But my experience(new as it is) is saying get the info then let go of it. Others may advise against it but I think it is about what each indiviual can take.
So, Yes protect yourself with the info but mostly by taking care of yourself, mind and body.
I suppose if you see your R heading for the big D, then yes you could put this stuff aside. I did when I filed against my exH. I handed my attorney all my ammunition and ex never said anything once it was presented to him. But again, realize I never wanted it to work out because once I was done, I was done...as NYer said, I was emotionally divorced long before I filed.
However, if you want to work on the R and DB then I would let it go and just worry about taking care of yourself. These are things that we say over and over again here are out of your control.
I do believe that some states also have a law permitting you in suing the op "alienation of affection." Yuppers now you can sue the other person...LOL...
