I decided I will not say anything. I am actually feeling pretty good today. It's nice to feel in control and not having any communication with him feels like this. I know it will be the best thing I can do to myself: ditancing from him. I have tried this many times during this whole ordeal.
I have asked him to stay away but he always come back. Yesterday he even said, "Next time I reach out, don't let me come back," as if to explain he doesn't know what he is doing and I am better of protecting myself.
Always receiving him with open arms, although the right thing to have done, has not ended so well. He gets claustrophobic rather quick.
Now I know I HAVE to set the pace and not having contact (initiated by me, at least) feels good.
I know H will want me back. Call it intuition or just plani common sense. I just know. Maybe not right now, but someday.
I also know that his reluctance to come back home has a lot to do with the person I have become. I used to have him on a leash in the sense that he was always so scared to lose me because I was always so confident, so full of myself. I know that his constant insecurity pushed him away too, but this new person I am showing him, hopeless, lonely, depressed, is not what he signed up for, is not the girl he used to love, so I can understand his need to stay away. Coming back home doesn't seem like fun.
My next steps: will let things happen and will try to set the pace. If H contacts me, I will be responsive, but not too responsive. If I feel he wants to come back home, I will set the pace there too. In order for this M to survive, the tables need to change. He needs to start moving in my direction on his own, without my trying to convince him to stay.
