Quote: He wants to be with me, but once he knows we could get back together to our old life he feels old and trapped and he doesn't like that person he was while married.
My first thought is your "old life" didn't work very well for either one of you so you don't want to go back to that anyway. He has changed and so have you so you really can't go back to the way things were.
You both have learned a lot about yourselves and each other. You know what hasn't worked and you know not to repeat those negative patterns in the future. Your H knows he doesn't like the person he was in your old M, good. Now he knows not to act or be that person again. You weren't sure you always liked that guy anyway.
I understand your H (and you too) not wanting to have your old M back. That is really a good thing. I think you need to focus on starting a new R, maybe even start from the beginning, just go out on dates and things together. Maybe once in a blue moon H stays over. Take things slow and figure out what it is that you both want in your new R.
I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound harsh. I would just hate for you guys to throw away something that could be more beautiful than you could have ever imagined because you let the past get in the way.
I think if you both would give this some time and the chance, you will be able to work through this and find compromises that will please you both.
