H and I had a long, sad talk yesterday. He confessed that he is 90% into the marriage, but 10% off. He says the 10% keeps him from coming back. He cried a lot and we did a lot of hugging. We opened up about things we hadn't told each other. I just validated his feelings but at the same time was so very sad that I couldn't stop crying. He told me everything I wanted to hear about myself and our marriage and he said that this is why he has been so ambiguously back and forth. He wants to be with me, but once he knows we could get back together to our old life he feels old and trapped and he doesn't like that person he was while married. He keeps saying he doesn't know what to do. I said the same because I really lost track on what to do. We are both very confused.
I suggested C and he said he would go. He says that C is "something we haven't tried yet." He recognizes that the separation didn't help his conflicted feelings. He just couldn't let me go. However, he also says that he feels so much guilt and pressure that this is a big reason that he keeps coming back.
In other words, it seems like he feels bad about the whole thing and it is a factor for him to keep reconsidering it. He also misses me but at the same time doesn't know if marriage is for him. He is scared he will change his mind again in a few months.
He left the house again. We ML beforehand and he did kiss me on the lips before leaving. He called me before going to bed. I asked him to stay. He said he couldn't because if we do decide to proceed with the D, it will be harder.
So I am looking into scheduling a C session. Can't get a hold of the therapist I know. I am really anxious and sad.
