What has your husband done to correct his contribution to the dysfunctional part of your marriage?
Also, if you are to ever get past the affair, then ALL contact must stop forever, and that includes ridding yourselves of any and all affair memorabilia (cell phone numbers, photos, gifts, etc). I will bet good money that he still has one or more gifts from her. You have to understand that it is very difficult to correct issues in your marriage when one spouse has constant reminders of a third party.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Time for some clarification, boy, have I got you good and confused! Sunday night, I initiated, sounds were natural, I ask, he told, I was hurt and stopped any sexual contact. One thing is that my husband is over sensitive to sound. Sounds such as people chewing he can't handle and will go in another room. These are all things that can be attributed to his ADHD. Monday night, he initiated, he satisfied me but then said he was too tired to reach his climax. Is this the truth? Possibly, he had a long day at work. But the negative in me screams that it's me that's the problem. First he criticized me Sunday night, then I don't feel like I was doing any thing for him Monday night. I do have low self esteem so maybe that's the problem, me not him. I need to work on this. it's just a hard time financially and work-related that we'll get past. Have you discussed this with him? Yes, we've talked about it but in our conversations I tend to put a more positive slant on it because he gets so depressed. I'm worried about our finances and how all these extra hours at work are affecting our family. But I also know it's a long-term temporary thing Like 6 months or so and we can get through it if we look at our goal.
Try to focus more on the present and very near future - like your next date for instance! You are so right!
misty
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
What has your husband done to correct his contribution to the dysfunctional part of your marriage? Sllllooooowwww progress in this area, my opinion. His patience with me and our children is improving, while he's still fast to fly off the handle, it's getting better. Now that we live near his dad, he's pretty quick to run there. However, his dad is very good at talking H down to a more rational stance. I feel a great deal of support from his family.
ALL contact must stop forever, and that includes ridding yourselves of any and all affair memorabilia (cell phone numbers, photos, gifts, etc). I will bet good money that he still has one or more gifts from her You may very well be right on this one. The problem is that they dated for 2-3 years before I met my H. Kind of a first love thing. So of course there are probably gifts. My H has tons of concert t's and I'm sure some are from here. But I can't exactly go throwing out all his clothes As for the number, I wish to god I could make it go away. I've asked and he doesn't want it to go away so the only thing I feel I can do is let time be the thing that takes it away. Hopefully, cell phones will be changed or something and they'll no longer have any way to contact each other. It's wierd because I told him how I felt about it. I told him that number was a product of an affair we needed to put behind us which meant losing it. His comment? The night he left our house a year ago he had no intentions of ever coming home and so technically it wasn't an affair. I understand what he's saying and can sympathize a tiny bit but IT'S STILL NOT RIGHT!!!!! When an ex of mine's father died, I went to send him a sympathy card and my H was insistent that I not put a return address on it less my ex know where we live. Can we say double standard? Anyways, you've given me some things to think about. Thanks!
Journaling: Overall decent night last night. Yesterday, S4 found a red sharpie marker and went to town with it. I didn't realize exactly what he had or what he had done with it, only that his hands were bright red When my H got home from work, he found where S4 had colored on the carpet in his bedroom, in the house we rent H had a fit! Said he was going to his dad's and would be a long time. H was very angry with me and said it was my fault and I needed to either quit my job or get a babysitter for the kids I was furious but kept my mouth shut! Who the h*ll does he think left the sharpie within my son's reach, well dear H of course. H went to his dad's and came home an hour later with an apology and to have a family meeting with son. After that, all was good.
H kept trying to initiate last night but truly I wanted no part of it. The last 2 nights of sexual activity that I found to be one heck of a lot less than satisfactory made a definite impact on my decision. This is probably a throwback to my previous behavior. I'm scared to be outgoing in this area because I feel like he keeps putting me down. Maybe I need to learn not to take things so personally all the time. Perhaps I will attempt seduction tonight. Everybody have a great day!
Misty
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
Quote: --------------------------------------------------- Monday night, he initiated, he satisfied me but then said he was too tired to reach his climax. Is this the truth? Possibly, he had a long day at work. But the negative in me screams that it's me that's the problem. First he criticized me Sunday night, then I don't feel like I was doing any thing for him Monday night. I do have low self esteem so maybe that's the problem, me not him. I need to work on this. ---------------------------------------------------
This comment reeks of continued contact on his part. Where did he spend his time on Monday?
I doubt very much that you are the problem.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
He was working all day. He worked from 7 -3:30 at his first job. Came home for his lunch and then went back to work. I had dinner ready for him when he got home, then I took him to his second job at 5 and picked him up at 9 and we headed home. H has always been very successful whereever he works so I tend to think he really is at work when he says he is, plus I get his paystubs so I know if he's short on hours worked.
Saturday night he left his phone at home while he was at work. The OW who lives 4 hours away called. I totally erased any record of her call off his phone. That's when I figured out the number he has is actually one digit off of her actual number. I feel lousy about this but I just want to erase her from this planet. Maybe she called again and talked to H? I don't know right now, but I'll know in a couple of weeks when I get the bill and can confront him with certanity. I hate this, I just want to have an adult relationship with my husband with total honesty. Why is she in the background as this crutch for him to lean on? My anxiety level is so high right now.
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
There is a book you should consider reading. It is titled "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. It will help you immensely in your situation.
It is very likely that your husband is in continued contact with the other woman. This will definitely affect your relationship negatively, including sex.
If there is even a remote chance that he has physically seen her, then you need to get yourself tested for STDs asap. This is not a bad idea anyway considering his past actions.
Old flames die hard, and there is no room for them in a marriage. It takes time for him to get over her. Every time there is contact, the clock gets reset to zero. Every time there is contact, your relationship suffers.
What books of Michele's have you read?
Oh, and getting rid of all memorabilia includes clothes and even cars. Anything she has given him.
All the best,
-NOPkins-
Last edited by NOPkins; 12/14/0504:50 PM.
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You should have answered her call. Evil grin I too go through these bouts of waiting for proof to legitimize a confrontation. Weigh it all out sweetie... she's hours away, he works long hours, you're under the same roof, sharing his bed. Listen to NOPkins.
I chuckled reading how your s4 went to town yesterday. I've been there so many times! If it's not a marker it's juice, or crayons, or paper torn into bits, toothpaste, soap, anything they can get their little hands on. Thank goodness they're growing out of that and will actually color their coloring books now.
I initiated, sounds were natural, I ask, he told, I was hurt and stopped any sexual contact. I'm still confused. What did you ask him? What did he tell you that hurt your feelings? Depending on the answer he gave you, you have to try and remember that when you ask a question, you might not like the answer. If you had a feeling that you might be hurt by his answer, why ask while you're "busy"? Don't sabbatoge what's happening by asking questions - go with the flow. Have you ever tried playing music to drown out any noise? How about gently putting your hands over his ears - like holding his head?!
I do have low self esteem so maybe that's the problem, me not him. I need to work on this. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. As soon as you hear those negative voices in your head, try to drown them out with positive things, like "he must be so tired - what a good man to be working so hard for us - I'm so happy he's home". Intimacy doesn't have to end in an "O" to be satisfactory.
I'd try making a private list of reasons why you have a low self esteem. Go through it and cross off anything that you have absolutely no control over, and then really look at the reasons left. Address the ones you can try to change. Do things for yourself to make you a better person and feel good about who you are.
The problem is that they dated for 2-3 years before I met my H. Kind of a first love thing. No! He chose to marry you - not her. Yesterday, I tried reading up on some of your earlier posts to get a better feel for your sitch. IMO, you are still in DB mode, but you're slipping. I think you're possibly coming across as needy or the old Misty to him. You're under the same roof now - back off and let him see what a good wife you are trying to be.
Perhaps I will attempt seduction tonight. It might be a good idea to apologize for not being in the mood lastnight and tell him that you want to satisfy him tonight - whatever it takes. Positive voices in your head from start to finish!
Pam - who has no business trying to give you advice other than to help. Maybe I'm seeing myself in you and hate the thought of losing my H.
Trust me, I would love to talk to her with my fists ! What did you ask him? I wanted to know why he was covering his head up with a pillow while I was trying to pleasure him. It offended me darnit. I want his eyes open and listening to me instead of possibly fantasizing about someone else. I know I just need to keep my big mouth closed, he told me as much you're possibly coming across as needy or the old Misty to him Yes, definitely, and once I start to pull away, GAL and feel good about myself, he starts pulling me closer.
apologize for not being in the mood lastnight and tell him that you want to satisfy him tonight - whatever it takes Good idea!!!
Misty
p.s. You are doing a great job with helping me see the positives and I'll gladly welcome any advice I'm priveledged enough to receive from you!
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
You were doing him, and he had his head covered with a pillow.
Is that correct?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP, I will check out Surviving an Affair. I feel like all I can do at this point is be the best wife I can to him and hopefully time will erase her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm putting the emphasis on improving the relationship between H and I and how I feel about myself.
I've read Divorce Busting by michelle, Five Love Languages, His Needs, Her Needs and I started reading Mars/Venus but haven't finished it yet.
I don't think H understands the importance of cutting all ties to OW. I've tried explaining but just can't seem to get him to understand. I'd love for him to read some of these books with me because it might help him understand what he's feeling.
Misty
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
Like 6 months or so and we can get through it if we look at our goal. 
H had a fit! Said he was going to his dad's and would be a long time. H was very angry with me and said it was my fault and I needed to either quit my job or get a babysitter for the kids 
I too go through these bouts of waiting for proof to legitimize a confrontation. 
!