Why should I complain, indeed? My husband lives with me in a state of marriage with our children but something's missing. This is the first time I've posted in this section, first time I've posted on this site in a while.
Background:
Me: 26 Husband: 25 DS:4 DD: 1 married 3 years, together 5
We started having serious problems in our relationship about two years ago, or at least that's when he brought them to my attention via a bad attitude. This was also around the time his grandma died and I had a miscarriage. 1 year ago was the ILYBINILWY and he had an affair with an ex and moved out for a couple of weeks. I began reading divorce busting, his needs, her needs, etc. Took it to heart and he moved back in. We've certainly had our downs since then. Back then much of the problem was me and my inability to let him get close or to treat him like the man he is and the man I love. I used to deny him sex as a form of punishment and keep him at arms length. My H used to be very affectionate and very sexual.
The problem? He isn't anymore. When we have sex, it's very mechanical on his part. We had a talk about it and he says he doesn't know if he can ever be romantic again. I acknowledged how difficult it must be for him after how I treated him before how I am now in his shoes and I feel his pain. I think he's scared to try, scared to open up to me. He also admitted that I know him best and for me to treat him as I did was a huge blow. Now this admission of his feelings is not something he normally would share with me anymore.
This aspect of a healthy relationship that is missing is making me think about what's on the other side of this marriage because I'm afraid we'll never regain that spark we had. I'm also concerned that the physical aspect of it is making him look outside our marriage as well.
So right now, my mountain to climb is to regain my husband's trust again so that softer side can once again expose itself and I'm not sure how to do it. It's been a year since he moved back in and for the most part, things are well with us other than sex and the romance associated with it to make it love. I have the sex starved marriage on order as well has His Needs Her Needs for Parents.
Can anybody else relate or have any advice to get me started on the right track?
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
Can you start with affection and build up from there?
Give him back rubs and snuggle close to him on the couch?
Then let your hands wander and turn it into a seduction?
It sounds like your man has an idea of "who you are" and he won't let it go.
So you will have to show him who you *really* are, if he is wrong. It will take time and patience on both ends--yours to demonstrate what you're really made of, and him to demonstrate that he is going to be faithful and trustworthy.
Honeypot, thanks for your reply! We are affectionate so at least we do have that. Unfortunately, we don't have a couch because that method has worked in the past We recently moved to a new state and the couch we had was borrowed so we returned it. But anyways . . . Last night I was taking a bath and H came in and bathed with me, and initiated sex. But after we headed to the bed it fizzled out. The story of our life as of late. I find myself questioning H's intentions instead of just accepting them for what they are.
I know we definitely need time alone, together, enjoying ourselves and each other, sans kids. But on a tight budget that's a difficult one. I often feel like I'm responsible for all the planning and that makes me resentful. Truly, right now I think many of my feelings mirror my husbands feelings a couple of years ago.
I guess I just need to keep looking forward and keep my goal in mind.
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
May I ask how long you rejected him, and how long you've now been working to correct that and be affectionate toward him?
Don't underestimate the power of that rejection, and what it may have done to his willingness to open up to you. While it does not justify an affair, you are probably right in your assessment that he's keeping you away now as a defense mechanism over your past rejection of him.
It's going to take time for him to see that you are sincere in this, and that you're not going to revert back to rejecting him sexually and romantically.
I think my rejection came after our son was born. So probably close to 2 years I pushed him away, laughed when he tried to romance me and was just generally a b*tch who didn't care what he was feeling. I was tired, son occupied much of my free time when I wasn't at work, house was a wreck and the last thing I wanted to do in my free time was to be sexual with my husband. He would bother me all the time for sex and I became resentful and began the withholding pattern. At the time, I didn't understand why he couldn't see my point of view and failed to see how I was hurting him.
I have spent the past year working on our relationship, acknowleding my part in the breakdown of our marriage. He admits that I've made some drastic changes in my negative behaviors, for the better. But sometimes I feel like I'm taking all the shortcomings for our sexual relationship because I know what needs to be done, I try, but I feel like he puts no effort into it.
He knows I ordered SSM, His Needs Her Needs for Parents and another book on sex games. He knows I find this to be a huge problem for us and I can only hope at one point he can work past this. He tends to hold onto hurts and grudges so I'm not all that optimistic.
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
Thanks for that extra info. In just my own personal opinion, I think a year is long enough. I thought maybe you'd only been working at this for a month, or a few months, and maybe he was still skeptical that you had changed, and was afraid to open himself up again emotionally.
Are you certain that all contact with the woman he had the affair with are broken off??
Our sex life hasn't been bad this whole past year. There's been times when it's been great. Like during the time we were in the process of moving, he had already moved and was working in our new town. So when we saw each other on weekends, it was great. Maybe it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder or maybe it was just the excitement of sex in somebody else's house. But I do recall a time he kissed me on the couch more passionately than he had in a LONG time.
We've both been really stressed since we moved due to financial problems, we've filed bankruptcy, gone down to a one car household, etc. He's working two jobs right now and I work at home, with my kids home all day so we're both at the end of ropes by the time we get to spend any time together on a given day.
As for the OW, she's 4 hours away near where we used to live. No, contact has not been broken off. They have each other's cell numbers. There was a time when contact was legitimate. After, their fling she tried to claim she was pregnant but the test was negative. A few months later H found out she was indeed pregnant but couldn't get her to talk to him. Come to find out it was a surrogate pregnancy, this is from other's sources, so I know it's the truth. She's tried to get between my H and I from the beginning. But anyways she calls occassionally. H never calls her, I know because I get the cell phone bill but he stills keeps her number in his phone. I've asked him to erase it but haven't pushed it. I sometimes imagine really awful things happening to her . . .
I don't think her minimal presence(it's been 2 months since they talked last) is the problem. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm trying to make our sex life more exciting but he seems to be critical and very nonchalant about everything I'd like to try. Once again, behaviors I once was guilty of. He refuses to go to counseling with me despite the fact that we went to several sessions with a therapist we both liked. He now thinks it's brainwashing. One more critical fact, our former therapist was concerned my husband is bipolar. My MIL also believes this to be the case. So what, i live with this untreated illness for the rest of my life or we divorce and he gets a wakeup call. I'm hoping maybe after I get these books he might pick one up. We used to read those type of books together and discuss them so maybe if I can bring it up in a format like that things will start to change.
m
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
I used to deny him sex as a form of punishment and keep him at arms length. My H used to be very affectionate and very sexual. What were you punishing him for? Other than your rejections, what has changed in your relationship within the past 2 years? People generally don't go from very affectionate and very sexual to the opposite or "mechanical" unless there's a deep unresolved issue.
1 year ago was the ILYBINILWY and he had an affair with an ex and moved out for a couple of weeks. You are to be commended for accepting and owning your part of the breakdown, but at the same time... in my eyes and from out here looking in, you and your H are even now. Having an affair with an ex and moving out while you have a newborn baby isn't the most noble of behaviours. For him to be holding onto his role of victim is hypocritical and aggressive IMHO.
So right now, my mountain to climb is to regain my husband's trust again What does your H have to trust you again for? You've been correcting your behaviours for the past year! He's holding your past rejections over your head as punishment. His initiating the other night and then fizzling out seems aggressive to me. He's giving you a taste of your old medicine.
I often feel like I'm responsible for all the planning and that makes me resentful. I understand this completely, having a 5 and 3 yr old. Can you think of ideas together? Try making a list together of things you'd both like to do. This helped us to get out more.
But sometimes I feel like I'm taking all the shortcomings for our sexual relationship because I know what needs to be done, I try, but I feel like he puts no effort into it. It sounds like he's putting no effort into it. He has to get off his pedestal and start meeting you half way. As far as I'm concerned, the slate was cleared after he returned from his affair. You've been diligently keeping yourself on track. For him to blame his affair (with an ex) solely on your rejections, is not fair. Many women have decreased libidos while child rearing. You've managed to climb out of that dumpster much quicker than some.
It's time for a truce don't you think? Why is he continuing to punish you despite your efforts to bring love back into your marriage? Why are you letting him?
Thank you for the questions to help make me think. What were you punishing him for? I was punishing him for not helping me as much with our son and the house as I felt he should. Punishing him for not doing as I wished, 100% of the time.
what has changed in your relationship within the past 2 years I recognize my controlling behavior and try not to be that way. I'm t rying to let things roll off my back instead of taking them personally as though he's doing something to intentionally p*ss me off.
a deep unresolved issue The deep unresolved issue seems to be the anger he still has about how I treated him. I mentioned earlier that his grandma passed away, this also happened the same week I miscarried our child. My husband is VERY angry with god for taking a child from him and for taking somebody as good as his grandma while there's all these murdering, raping pukes roaming the streets. At the same time, he had issues with his grandma and I don't feel those issues were resolved before her passing and he knows it. His parents and I have talked about this as well and this deep anger he has. I feel as though there's a connection somewhere between this and our relationship but I'm not sure what it is yet.
What does your H have to trust you again for? You've been correcting your behaviours for the past year! He's holding your past rejections over your head as punishment. His initiating the other night and then fizzling out seems aggressive to me. He's giving you a taste of your old medicine. [/]
I'm not sure that's he's doing it conciously. He did initiate last night, but he didn't stop until I was satisfied. However, this weighed heavily on my mind because he did not receive the same satisfaction. The other night, he had a pillow over his head because he didn't like the noise that was being made, this hurt me as being critical when I was trying to do something for him. We went no further that night. Maybe I am making the mountain out of the molehill?
Can you think of ideas together? Try making a list together of things you'd both like to do. This helped us to get out more. I think you're right. We always talk about things we'd like to do but never seem to do them. Maybe a physical list we can cross things off of would help.
It's time for a truce don't you think? Why is he continuing to punish you despite your efforts to bring love back into your marriage? Why are you letting him? I think this is going back to the whole unresolved anger business. I let him do it to me because I know that between every 2-3 bad things, he does things that show me how much he cares and dare I say, loves me. This really big emotional/sexual rut has only came about in the last 2-3 months since we've moved. I want to believe that it's just a hard time financially and work-related that we'll get past.
I'm very guilty of temperature checks in our relationship and one big way I do it is to start talking about this house we've both agreed we would like to purchase after we get our credit back up again. When we're doing well, he talks about what we'll do to it after we buy it. If not, he doesn't even want to think about buying it. My husband is not one to see the light at the end of the tunnel and is easily discouraged by obstacles and the length of time it might take to accomplish something. Maybe he sees our past as an obstacle to great to get past.
Mystia
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
That's what we're all here for! To listen to eachother and try to help.
He did initiate last night, but he didn't stop until I was satisfied. However, this weighed heavily on my mind because he did not receive the same satisfaction. The other night, he had a pillow over his head because he didn't like the noise that was being made, this hurt me as being critical when I was trying to do something for him. We went no further that night. I'm not clear on this. He initiated, and didn't stop until you were satisfied. In the process, he put a pillow over his head so he didn't hear "the noise"? By noise, are you referring to pleasure sounds you were making? Are you referring to the natural sounds of your body? If it is, then that seems a bit cruel on his part. Were you over-exaggerating to make him feel manly? Did you stop it from going any further of did he stop? Was he turned off?
I want to believe that it's just a hard time financially and work-related that we'll get past. Have you discussed this with him? It's best to let him know how you're feeling rather than keep hoping to yourself that this will just go away.
I'm very guilty of temperature checks in our relationship and one big way I do it is to start talking about this house we've both agreed we would like to purchase after we get our credit back up again. There's nothing wrong with checking the temperature of your relationship. It's healthy and it shows that you care. However, I think this isn't the best way to check given your current circumstances. He could take it as pressure. Try to focus more on the present and very near future - like your next date for instance!
We recently moved to a new state and the couch we had was borrowed so we returned it. But anyways . . . Last night I was taking a bath and H came in and bathed with me, and initiated sex. But after we headed to the bed it fizzled out. The story of our life as of late. I find myself questioning H's intentions instead of just accepting them for what they are. 
By noise, are you referring to pleasure sounds you were making? Are you referring to the natural sounds of your body? If it is, then that seems a bit cruel on his part. Were you over-exaggerating to make him feel manly? Did you stop it from going any further of did he stop? Was he turned off? 
Pam