Thanks for reminding me to relax and take a deep breath. And yes, we only just separated at the beginning of the year. I completely regret it now. He wanted me to move out. I didn't want to but did it so he could have space to clear his head. I thought it was a one-month thing and I would move back at the end of the month but he apparently ignored that part. And I don't think he was mad I moved out while he was gone. We had been communicating OK before I moved out and now it's gone dramatically downhill. I just wish he wasn't so damn stubborn.
I know it probably is not a good idea to tell him that I know we will end up together but it's just how I feel.
It may be the way you "feel", but it's still not a good idea to act on it unless you want to give him more reason to pull away. We all feel like doing things sometimes that wouldn't be in our best interests, not just concerning these sitches but in other facets of life, and we reign them in in order to try and get the results we'd like.
H telling you that he doesn't think you can act sane, or at least his definition of sanity, and of being a suitable life partner, is a clue that time and consistency in behavior is required if he's to change his mind.
Actually it's what I know. I don't really know how to explain it, but deep in my heart I know that despite everything my H and I will be able to pull things together.
Obviously, this gives you some degree of comfort and peace, yet no knows what the future holds and as a basis for comfort and peace, I think having a workable plan achieves that as it gives you something tangible that may produce results.
His going to counseling contingent on you signing a separation agreement doesn't thrill me; it's not a solid basis for seeking counseling. Sounds more like he's trying to get you to sign the agreement, and maybe he'll then cancel or tune out of his end of the bargain afterwards and deal with the fallout then, but he'll have your signature on the agreement.
Don't ask him for "another chance", he's not going to give you one and asking for it is pursuing and will push him further away because it makes you appear clingy and needy to him. Instead, act as if you've already been granted that chance, acting in accordance with it, demonstrating by your actions as time goes on, rather than trying to convince him by word or appeal. Don't listen to his saying "It's over, move on with your life"... that's WAS verbiage you can disregard insofar as he may feel that way this moment, but again, the future can be different. He's just trying to dissuade you, and that's because you're pursuing him. Stop the pursuit, and his guard will correspondingly likely go down. Don't ask him to do things with you, go about your own life.
Quote: Well I guess I knew that our talk today would not go well. Frankly I don't know what we actually accomplished. when you do have discussions you need to have a goal set in mind
The gist was something like this:
H: It's over, move on with your life. M: I know we will end up together give me another chance.
I know it probably is not a good idea to tell him that I know we will end up together but it's just how I feel. Actually it's what I know. I don't really know how to explain it, but deep in my heart I know that despite everything my H and I will be able to pull things together. ok no more talk of what the end result will be all that you accomplish is making him mad plus it makes him decide to hold more to his mind set that it's over
The only thing positive from today was that he agreed he would go to one counseling session if I agreed to sign a separation agreement. so basically he's only agreeing to go to counseling to shut you up & to black mail you into signing a seperation agreement not the best of conditions for you nor conducisve towards counseling
Any of you who have been to counseling, do you have any advice? byron's only been to one counseling session & that was due to me not telling me that he was going & it was because i needed him & daughter to be in a safe place for her to be able to vent to him what she was going thru even thou she's an "adult" she's very hurt by his doing this to our family -
during the session he didn't really partcipate but listened to what she had to say even thou the counselor did offer byron 3 times to be able to leave & wait for daughter & me outside byron stayed in his seat & only nodded his head every once in awhile the counselor ended the session with the fact that as he ended up doing in the session was ignoring byron telling us & byron that since byron's being non-responsive that we need to learn to ignore him that byron had to understand that if we ignored him when he was being unresponsive it was to save ourselves from his actions & or inactions & that our ignoring him had nothing to do with how much we loved him
At this point my H said his major issue with me is trust. I'm not quite familar with your sitch - does he have a reason NOT to trust you?
He doesn't trust me not to go crazy; ok this statement is very confusing - do you know why he said it? does it make sense to you?
he doesn't trust me to make good decisions; do you have a history of making "Bad Decisions"? were they honest mistakes which are part of life lessons? how is his decision making skills compared to yours?
and he doesn't trust me as a life partner. has he given examples of why his trust level is so low of you? or is he just pulling stuff from the air in an attempt to justify himself?
dr don harvey gives alot of insight as to how the men when they leave as to how they're going to react afterwards getting his bok asap i think will help in this greatly
since you've only got 1 session to get some work started for the 2 of you i suggest that you go to the http://marriagebuilders.com website & print off 3 copies of all the tests which dr harley has on his website 1 copy for you 1 copy for him & 1 copy for the counselor
even if he doesn't want to work on them right now in the session at least you'll have some where to start maybe you can give the counselor the set for him/her before you go to the session explain to the counselor what you are hoping to acheive in your sessions you will be seeing the counselor afterwards even if H won't attend any more sessions correct?
& ask H to fill in the questionaires before the session as well if he's willing tell him that it'll help with this session & future ones for you to have the information
i do suggest that you pick up a copy of dr don harvey's book when the one you love wants to leave
as well as a copy of dr willard harley's book his needs her needs
you're going to find that dr harvey's book is very insightful as to how to handle the seperation his idea is that 1st you have to handle the seperation so that later you can handle the marriage problems
dr harleys book is great as to how to figure out what needs of your husbands need to be met & gives some ideas as to how you can make changes to start meeting those needs
It's started snowing here and it makes me miss him even more. We discussed maybe doing something tomorrow but we'll see if he actually follows through on his word. NO PRESSURE - if he doesn't follow thru thats ok very disappointing but ok & to be expected at this point don't call him as hard as it may be not to let him decide if he wants to do something with you the key is to try to releive the pressure of having to be with you so that he has alone time to miss you & think over things
SuperStressed ((HUGS)) I fully understand your name & beleive me this roller coaster ride is going to get crazy so hang on & try to enjoy the ride o some crazy stuff is yet to be seen & if you don't get a sense of humor you'll be ready for the looney bin
Thanks for your tough love. I know I need to stop the pursuit but it's just so hard. I often think my H does things specifically to make me continue to pursue him. Of course a year ago when he almost left the first time my pursuit brought him back so it's hard to realize that this time it isn't working.
As for his comments about me being "crazy," it's in regard to an argument we had a couple weeks ago. It got mildly physical on both sides and somehow he has managed to frame it as me going crazy. He's a master of twisting things around.
I probably have made some bad judgment calls but they weren't that horrible. They largely concern money as I only work part-time. I haven't had a full-time job for almost two years and he hates me for having to cut back on spending. I quit my full-time job because it was making me really unhappy and I guess I was probably depressed until a few months ago when I woke up and realized just how bad things were in my M. Then at the time I finally pulled myself out of depression I bought a classic car that we really couldn't afford. So he uses that as yet another bad decision to throw in my face. He conveniently forgets all the money he has spent going out drinking with his friends. At the moment I'm doing my best to get a full-time job now to improve this situation.
I'm going to try my very best and not contact him at all this week. Maybe I need to sit down and come up with a weekly plan and then stick to it instead of letting him manipulate my behavior.
Hi there. The problem with a weekly plan is that these WAH's can throw a wrench into it, if you are still maintaining a lot of contact. Just something to think about before you go to all the trouble!
How's the job hunt coming? What are you looking into?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
The job hunt is going slowly. I was a reporter but I sort of burned out on that and I'm trying to get a job at a nonprofit doing communications. I've looked for jobs on and off but now that it seems my H is going to cut me off financially it's more urgent. Unfortunately the job market is so competitive--something like 100 applicants for every job where I've applied. Of course I should point out that it's not like I've done nothing over the past two years, I have a part time job doing Web research from home and I did some freelance writing. Oh my God I just realized that my H has me so defensive that I'm defending myself to you. WTF?
Anyway I'm hoping my H will find a way to trust me more once I have a job as we are a bit financially strapped. This is a very expensive area to live.
As for the weekly plan, my H has said he doesn't want to have to see me at all so I guess I'm going to try for once to honor this and see if it makes a difference. The plan I mean is for other non-H things in my life.
My H has been telling me all along what I need to do to stop pushing him away and I just have refused to listen. I almost feel like I'm his mom and he's a teenager going through a rebellious phase. I've always been a bit of a control freak and he's tired of me commenting on and trying to manage every part of his life, his clothes, his friends, his spending, his smoking.
I think maybe this is my problem from how I felt about my parents. I was the oldest and my parents were a bit strict. As a result when I went to college I went a little wild. I can't believe I'm now doing the same thing to my H. Not that he hasn't done anything wrong but really, how could I not have seen my behavior earlier?
He used to be so attentive and I was just, well, bossy.
ok this statement is very confusing - do you know why he said it? does it make sense to you? 
o some crazy stuff is yet to be seen & if you don't get a sense of humor you'll be ready for the looney bin
I can't believe I'm now doing the same thing to my H. Not that he hasn't done anything wrong but really, how could I not have seen my behavior earlier?