As I sit here in my apartment with my suitcases I realize that I'm scared. I really wonder whether this is the right thing to do and I'm a little scared of how my H will react. At least I know he will have a house guest with him when he comes home from work tonight so he can't be too badly behaved.

Yesterday I told him that I have a lot of work to do this week and I need access to our computer pretty much every day. I told him the best solution was for me to move back. My H was not particularly receptive. He said that if I moved back he would move out and this would mean war. He would cut me off financially until a lawyer made him do otherwise. I really hate him for that as money has been an issue. I'm only working part-time from home and I could not support myself as it's a very expensive area to live.

He's also obviously either met with a lawyer or done some research on D laws. H now knows that if we ML or cohabitate even a single time it starts over the waiting period before he can file. He also now knows that I can't claim adultery as the law states if I know of the act and we continue to live together it means I've forgiven him according to the law. He said he could claim my "unreasonable behavior" because I bought a classic car we couldn't afford (of course he neglects to note the reason we have no money is because he spends twice the car payment on on drinking and going out every month.)

I hate the fact that use of our home computer has become such an issue but I work from home and I have few options. I got an old laptop from a friend which promptly got a virus and died. I tried bringing our desktop computer with me but I couldn't get online with the wireless network in the house I was staying. I suppose I could have bought a new laptop but it pisses me off that I should have to put us further in debt because he has some crush on a coworker.

I told him I would be willing to stay with my friend a little longer if he was willing to go to counseling. He told me he needed time to think about it and would call me later that night. I decided then and there that if he called I would compromise. If he didn't call I would move back and let the chips fall where they may.

It's funny how one minute he could tell me "I Hate You" and then the next ask "Do you think we could reconcile?" It hurts me to see him so upset and so confused. But frankly, F him. I just can't care about how he feels at the moment.

While we were talking Sunday, I was sitting on his lap in an attempt to seduce him. He said he wanted to but it would 'do his head in." Then he noticed that I had lost weight and told me I looked hot and could get somebody else. (As if I didn't know this .) Another odd thing, at one point he leaned in and smelled me.

I'm a bit upset that we didn't end up ML as this means the OW#2 has been intimate with him most recently. I asked him what the status of them was and he said they were just friends and they were just going out to dinner and there was nothing sexual going on and that I could ask anyone at his office if this was true. When I asked what that meant and if they were going out to dinner with other people or just them he said it was just the two of them. I replied that they were dating and he said "we're not calling it that." I want to believe him but he's given me no reason to trust him.

Maybe the reason I've decided to move back in this week is because I have several options that are coming together this week on the job front. I know I have friends and family I could ask for help but I would just rather not.

Right now he has no idea I'm home. He doesn't even know I have a key. (Fortunately I made extra copies and gave a set to a trusted friend.)

It sucks that he has me in a position where I'm scared of how he's going to react so I do what he wants. I used to be such a strong independent person.


SuperStressed