Well I went out and made two extra copies of my key so he can't keep me out. That said I think maybe I want him to be the one to leave so he can see how much fun it is crashing at a friend's house with only a bed and a suitcase.
Hope you're right. I probably should consult a lawyer. It's possible he's just trying to scare me into doing what he wants. When I told him I wouldn't agree to anything to speed up the D process he said "you're going to be just like my grandmother and drag you feet."
Actually I don't want to drag it out. That would just be more emotional anguish for me. I just have no plans to help the process along.
At this point I've decided that I would only be willing to sign a separation agreement if he agrees to go to counseling. I'm not going to put this on the table yet. It's probably best to see a lawyer first and give myself time to soak up everything that's happened over the past few days.
We think alike. About a month ago, when my H. brought up getting a legal separation, I told him that I wanted him to see a counselor with me. He didn't say no, he didn't say yes either. And as for the sep., he hasn't brought it up again thus far.
I hope your H. agrees to go because it is something you want and need, and perhaps it will help your situation. I am praying for you; stay strong.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It's funny (well actually not really) but we've both gone back and forth on the whole counseling thing. At first I wanted to go and he didn't. Then he said he would go but I didn't want to go unless he went to a counselor first to deal with his feelings over his dad's death.
He's only recently admitted he has not grieved his dad. A large part of our problems stem from his family. His mother hates me and as his dad was dying I was going through a mini MLC and was depressed. I was mad he wasn't there for me when I was depressed. He was mad at me for not being there for him while his dad was dying.
At some point our stubbornness spiraled out of control. He ended up having an A a year and a half ago and I don't think he really ever came back. We never talked about what happened or tried to address the damage to our M. Granted I had no idea that he had had an A.
So I suppose our M really needed this wake up call. I guess I was blind to just how bad things have been. It's almost like I was in survival mode and had no idea of the big picture.
Right now things seem grim but I'm just going to have to put my faith in love and hope we both have the strength to put the pieces back together.
He's only recently admitted he has not grieved his dad.
I wonder about this. I don't think my W has really grieved her brother's death that happened shortly before we met and I think it has a lot to do with her outlook on things now. It's funny how thing come back to haunt us. Makes you want to do a background check on everyone, yea?
I've long felt that my H's drinking and his A were a way for him to avoid dealing with how he's felt about his dad dying. Any attempts to get him into counseling were rejected. And, to make matters worse, his mother, who is a psychologist, thinks he's coping just fine. She does not see the fake front he puts on as she is living on the other side of the pond. I see that when his dad died last summer he hit the bottle and had his first A. Then this summer when the anniversary of his dad's death came he hit the bottle again and began an EA which may or may not now be also a PA.
I just wish he could forgive himself for whatever it is that is holding him back from grieving. Recently I've also realized that I need to stop protecting him. What he's done to me has hurt like hell but I love him and I know he's hurting too and I've said some pretty awful sh!t to him that I really regret.
When I moved out I thought it would give him space to clear his head. Instead it gave him everything he wanted without giving him what he really needed: to hit bottom. So now I'm going to move back in and he can sleep on a friend's couch and realize what he's throwing away.
Wow, there are similarities there for sure. I know in my case my W feels she knows a lot more about her brother's death than the rest of her family and holds it in. She feels the burden of bearing the torch for the entire family. The main difference is that my W's brother died over 10 years ago. The really telling thing is that my W has STILL not visited his grave. That has to mean something in the grand scheme of things. I also know she blames herself a lot for what happened to him and also keeps this from her family, keeps it inside. I guess for us, these issues can be used as an excuse for their behavior. Like you, I am starting to realize that no matter what my W has going on inside her, I don't deserve what I'm getting. Surely these A's are possibly a way for our spouses to escape their pain, with a person who was not a part of their life when they went through it, thus not a constant reminder. Wouldn't it be great if they could just grieve and then come to their senses. Oh, but the world is not that easy, is it.
I don't know if I have the strength if it is going to take him 10 years to grieve his dad. Oh and I should mention that not long after his dad died his granddad died too. It was a very rough year.
All I want to do is protect my H from his hurt but he won't let me. Just after his dad died I told him that I was there for him if he needed me. He responded that he wouldn't come to me. He didn't even want me to come to the funeral. Eventually I told him that even if I was just his friend and not his W that I would still go. Fortunately while I do not get along with my MIL or my SIL I got along great with my FIL.
Well I've finally reached the point where I can see clearly all the bad things about my H. I still see the good things too, but I guess I'm no longer blinded.
So, this means a time for a change in tactics. Moving out of our apartment didn't work. It's not like he was ever there anyway and frankly I'm sick of living away from my home and my cats.
Early this week I'm moving back into our apartment and I may or may not give him advance warning that if he wants to carry on with OW#2 then he can move out. No more Ms. Nice Guy. No more protecting him and taking the blame.
At the moment it's beautiful weather here in DC so I'm going to sit out on my balcony with a friend and enjoy a glass of wine.
thinking about you today; a glass of wine sounds divine. I think I'll join you!
So you're going to move back?! This is big news! And...how's he gonna take this? Do you think he will move out or stay? I hate to think of you away from your cat; I understand how much a pet can mean to someone. I have puppy and cat here with me and they offer a lot of company.
I'll check back with you. Have a good weekend.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Glad that you are moving back to your apt. That is your home honey. The only reason you should have left is because you felt it was the right thing to do at the time. You don't anymore, so go home. He can decide what he is going to do from there on out.
As for his grief...death affects people in such different ways. I've had so much death in my life, that I am not necessarily jaded by it, but I've learned acceptance of circumstances that I have no control over. Learned it at such an early age. Some people just can't accept or they take blame. Dave when we first met, had breakdowns over death. His best friend had been killed execution style several years ago and he blamed himself on his death because he put his friend in the sitch that caused the murder. I learned to cringe every Labor Day. Finally a couple of years ago I suggested going to see his friend's parents...to make peace with them. It seemed to work because he then went to the gravesite and I guess made peace within himself too...but he's just never dealt well with anything death related, always took it so personal. I know how badly you want to help him with his hurt, it's a woman's nature, but there are just some things that they have to work out on their own time...but as long as they know they have our love and support when/if they need it. That's all we can do.
Going to join you in a glass of wine my friend. Best wishes for a wonderful weekend my friend!!
Having the blinders off, does us all well. It gives us full vision of our life with/without our WAS in it. The clarity to see things and people for who they truly are and not for who we make them out to be.
