I saw my H again Sunday and we had a really good afternoon together. First I took him grocery shopping. He hadn't gone since I moved out at the beginning of the month and really had absolutely no food. Before any of you give me a hard time, I will say this: though we live in an urban area with lots of public transportation it is a pain in the butt to do grocery shopping without a car and I have our only car.
It was partly amusing and partly sad to grocery shop together. As I like doing the shopping and he hates it, I always went to the store in the past. He really hadn't the first clue what it was that I usually bought and I had to tell him which things to buy. Part of this is from his being British and that he has never fully gotten used to American stuff, but I never realized how helpless he is at certain things. Academically he is brilliant but when it comes to daily activities he is just a little boy.
After we loaded the food in the car, I asked him if he wanted to see where I was staying since it was only a few blocks away. First he asked if I meant just to drive by. Then he said he didn't think it was something he wanted to see because if he didn't like it he'd be upset.
Later we went out to lunch to celebrate his raise. As we walked back to our apartment R talk came up again. He made the comment that he was going to end up like Peter Sellers (Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther) and die alone.
We're big Sellers fans and several months ago we watched "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers." In the end, Sellers dies alone but turns out he always kept a photo of his first wife in his wallet (I think he was married to 4 or 5 women during his life.) After we had watched the movie, my H saw some similarities between himself and Sellers and felt really bad about his past behavior. Not that my H's actions were nearly as extreme as Sellers.
In response to my H's comment I told him he was not going to end up like Peter Sellers because he was not going to make the same mistake. I said he (my H) would realize what he has, meaning me and our M.
It's just so frustrating to hear him say he loves me but to then say he still doesn't see us together in the long term. It just makes no f'ing sense.
I'm not going to let myself start thinking about it too much as I know it will only bring down my good mood. Unfortunately I have realized that it is completely unrealistic for me to be able to move back in at the end of the month. I had only planned to have this as a one-month trial separation but he is clearly not ready.
Perhaps some of you would be happy to hear your WAS say ILY, but for me it is just not going to be enough. I need him to see me, and only me, in his long term future.
