Please be kind to yourself. It's not your fault. The cheating spouse goes to great lengths to lie and manipulate in order to keep that secret going for as long as possible.
I got into awful arguments with my H. before "the bomb" and while he was cheating on me. I knew something was not right; he lied non-stop, even when I would directly ask him if there was someone else. I had no physical proof (believe me, I'd looked for it). What can you do then, if you don't have proof and he's telling you nothing's wrong? You just try to get through your day.
I think you were very observant; you knew something wasn't right. That was all you COULD know at that time. He wasn't going to let you know anything else.
Hugs, super.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
