OK so I went to my apt while my H was a work and discovered he's rearranged to make up for the furniture I took. I expected this. But, I was not prepared to discover he'd removed our wedding pictures from my nightstand and another photo of us from the living room. I feel like I'm wasting my time expecting him to come back.
Well tomorrow's another day and he still doesn't know I have a laptop and don't need our home computer so is probably expecting me to come over to work Wednesday am.
It really makes me want to get him back and then dump his ass, just so he can know how it feels.
SS- First, i have to say that i totally hear you on being upset that your H removed your wedding pix from prominent places in your house. My H started doing the same thing about 4-5 months ago. If you walked into my house right now, you would never even know that a woman "lived" there...everything having to do with me, my family and our wedding has been removed from sight. And it hurt so much. B/c every time i went there, i was wondering what would be gone next. So, i took matters into my own hands and packed some things away on my own, before he could do it. And to be honest, i was hoping it would upset him or piss him off...i don't think he noticed...whatever. But, really, WTF? Last time i checked, my name was still on the mortgage...bastard. Sorry.
Perhaps I am not accepting the truth, but I really believe that we will eventually work things out.
I think the same thing all the time...that me and my H were just meant to be and that we will be, once he gets his head out of his a$$.
RE: going dark...this is a tough one. I have done it half way. Meaning, i don't call my H...i let him call me. And when he does, i usually take his call. So, its kind of halfway dark...maybe like twilight? Anyway, i found this to be somewhat productive. This way, i am letting him do the initiating, but i am there for him if he needs me. B/c that's been a complaint of my H's...that i haven't been there for him emotionally. So, now, whenever he is struggling (which seems to be about every other week...i get a late night phone call where he can't sleep, doesn't feel good, or is upset), i talk to him. I hope that he is starting to realize that i am there for him. So, maybe you can start it off that way...take it step by step. First, you stop calling him...see what happens. Its a small step and i think it will give you back some control...it did for me.
I hope that was helpful...sorry if i hijacked or rambled. Take care.
It really makes me want to get him back and then dump his ass, just so he can know how it feels.
SuperStressed,
Immediately upon figuring out how do to this, please, please, please share with me.
The missing pictures? Look at it this way: Maybe it was too painful for him to look at. What? I'm serious. You never know! I don't have any wedding pictures in my house now -- took all of 'em down -- and I still love my H. So see? Don't believe half of what you see. That's the rule (and we all know I'm one to stick to the rules).
I know looking at our wedding pictures on my nightstand made him upset because when I put them there he asked if I was trying to make him cry. Well I wasn't trying to make him cry (not that I'd really feel bad at the moment if he did.) In addition to DBing, I'd been doing a little Feng Shui. One of the things it says is to have pictures of the two of you close to the bed.
I guess I neglected to mention I was also upset because I saw that he threw out a certain other item of let's just say clothing that I had given him, which . . . ahem, we had enjoyed. I of course pulled it out of the trash.
Lately I've been really thinking that he is starting another A. I don't think I could forgive him for that. Frankly one A is really almost more than I can bear. It also really bothers me that I was the last to know about his previous A, which I believe has been over for a year now. Not that I'd know. How did I not notice the emotional turmoil he went through. Not only do I feel like an idiot considering just about everyone knew except me, but it makes me question what kind of reporter I've been.
Maybe he is starting another A and maybe he isn't. I guess I just want him to stop lying to me. If he is indeed with yet another woman I'm not going to wait around. Perhaps I'm just freaking out since I'm going dark this week. I just want to know the truth so I can start to heal and move on.
I'm also kinda feeling like so many others here. How can someone who once loved us so much now hurt us so much?
How can someone who once loved us so much now hurt us so much?
That's the million dollar question...Sometimes, i think that they have no control over what they are doing b/c they are so blinded by their selfishness.
RE: the pix...i can tell you what my H told me when i questioned him about removing photos of us from the house: it was too painful for him to look at them every day. Of course, i told him i thought it was b/c he had his GF at the house. But, that was before i started DBing. As you can imagine, it didn't yield good results. But, i'm just passive/aggressive that way. Better than throwing something at him...hmmm, or maybe not.
Not only do I feel like an idiot considering just about everyone knew except me,
For me, i was in such denial about what my H was doing. I didn't want to believe it was possible. I even took the blame for our M crumbling b/c frankly, that was less painful then believing he was cheating. Even now, there are times when i think "no, he's not having an A with her." But, i think that is the naive me talking...the one who wants to believe the good in everybody...its hard for me to understand how someone could be that way b/c i would never do that...so, maybe it is good that i don't understand...says more about my moral character. Anyway, enough hijacking.
I've been thinking for months now, if my H is with someone else, just tell me so i can move on. For whatever reason, he chooses to continue to lie. But, i just remind myself that i can't control him, and that this isn't the person i married. He is under the control of some other demon right now who has no concept of loyalty.
That's the million dollar question...Sometimes, I think that they have no control over what they are doing b/c they are so blinded by their selfishness.
I think that it's in those "sometimes" that you got it right... selfishness, and their emotions cloud their thinking too.
LBSs are selfish too in another respect... LBSs want what LBSs want as well, don't they
Not only do I feel like an idiot considering just about everyone knew except me
You're not an idiot.
The spouse is usually the last to know. Lots of reasons for that, and one of them probably is that you're not an idiot, so the cheating spouse may be especially careful to hide their double life around you.
LBSs are selfish too in another respect... LBSs want what LBSs want as well, don't they
Doesn't everybody, regardless of who they are, want what they want? Yes, as the LBS, i do want what i want. Difference is what i want isn't really at the expense of another person.
The spouse is usually the last to know. Lots of reasons for that, and one of them probably is that you're not an idiot, so the cheating spouse may be especially careful to hide their double life around you.
It just makes me wonder how observant I really am. I mean reporters are supposed to notice things for crying out loud. And how am I supposed to go on to write an insightful novel if I don't notice my H calling someone every day for three months straight?
When I think back I was suspicious of the ow involved and when I said something he told me that it was ridiculous because her boyfriend had just died. (Well obviously it wasn't ridiculous!) He also spent a week at a friend's house and when I asked what he was doing at night he said they went to bars. I asked about this too as I knew his friend was in AA. There were a few other suspicious things but I guess I just chalked them up to grief over his dad's death. (He really lost his sh!t when his dad died.)
I guess I need to look at it this way. Before all this happened I didn't think I'd lived enough to write a novel. That certainly isn't the case now.
At the moment I'm feeling a little calmer but I seem to get these sudden bursts of rage and I have to lie down for a moment until I cool off. I'm just worried that I'll accidentally interact with my H during one of these fits.
It just makes me wonder how observant I really am. ... When I think back I was suspicious of the ow involved... There were a few other suspicious things but I guess I just chalked them up to grief over his dad's death.
Obviously, you were quite observant, so as to notice things that aroused your suspicions. Your observational skills are not in question.
One of the other reasons why the LBS is the last to know. Denial. Little things happen that seem off or odd but we don't want to think the worse of them, so we either accept the excuses or bury the knowledge. That's normal, it's a way not to face the pain. But it still doesn't make you an idiot.
At the moment I'm feeling a little calmer but I seem to get these sudden bursts of rage and I have to lie down for a moment until I cool off. I'm just worried that I'll accidentally interact with my H during one of these fits.
Work out a method to cool off, to think through before speaking. Whether it's 'thought control', counting to ten, or excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or whatever. That seems to work for many.
Not only do I feel like an idiot considering just about everyone knew except me, but it makes me question what kind of reporter I've been.
Now you listen here, dear. I'm not one to boast, but of the four awards I've received in reporting, two have been because of investigative work. The other two were service awards because of the consequences of that investigative work.
And *I* was apparently the last to know about H's A, too. People on these boards -- probably due mainly to their experiences -- knew before I knew. I mean, I never disputed the possibility of him having one; I'd never ruin my credibility like that. But I didn't have factual evidence, and I don't attach my emotions to speculation or hearsay.
It took me literally walking in on my H in bed with OW before I knew the A was going on. Of course, he had already left me, so I'm amazed that I even figured it out then.
The point is that being the last person to know about your H's A has absolutely nothing to do with you, either personally or professionally. What it tells me is that you trusted your H. And, as NYS pointed out, it tells me that your H knows you're not an idiot, and that's why he was especially careful with his "evidence."
Now don't get me wrong. I've thought the same thing about myself: If I'm so good at investigating things, why didn't I know about this? If I'm such a perceptive person, why didn't I figure this out?
The possible answers are plenty, but they all boil down to one basic fact: We trusted our Hs. And that's nothing to beat yourself up over.
