This is the most painful and confusing part to DBing or "going dark" for me too. We spend so much time looking for the sign that things are on their way back to "normal" that we don't truly detach. I am not detached from my W. I know this and I know I will need more time to get there. Right now, I don't want to be detached. I think in your case, since he's already changed a bit in his approach, you probably need to stay the course and go dark. I know it's hard because you're in a similar situation with you H as I am with my W. One of the things people tell me to do is GAL. Well, my having a L while she sat home with the boys is one of the things that came up as a factor in her straying (and I know that's not totally my fault). In your case, your H accuses you of not being there for him and so maybe you feel that going dark, the ultimate form of not being there for someone in some ways, is just going to reinforce his feeling that you are not there for him. I can't give you an answer about how to deal with that feeling. All I can say is that the root of that feeling is attached to him, which is a no-no in DBing terms. Yes, you may stir up these feelings in him, but you are not supposed to speculate or really care how he perceives what you do. So much of what I write is something I myself can't do but I hope you have the strength to carry out what you believe is right. My therapist tells me that my major problem is that I have lived my life in my head and in the world of concepts/possibilities and never in my soul. She says that by always trying to conceptualize everything, trying to predict things and behave according to what I think may happen, I was never really there for anyone. I was never really in my marriage because I was spending too much time trying to make sure it would go the way I thought it should. Somewhere along the line I left my wife behind. According to this theory, just live in the moment and try not to live for what was or what will be. Maybe if you can do that at least sometimes, you will have the peace and clarity of mind to do what you have to do.
