Well I went over to our apartment in the morning to get some work done on the computer while he was still asleep. Then we went around the corner for lunch. I was hoping to eat there, but he said, "we can't really talk there." So much for avoiding talking with him.
So we brought food back to our apartment and he mentioned that he was thinking of getting a separate bank account and I told him it was really too soon and he he said he would wait.
Our conversation started out OK with him asking me where I am staying. I'm staying with a friend of mine that he knows but I've been pretty vague about it--just told him the general area, which Metro stop I'm near. He asked for the address in case he needed to get ahold of me and I told him he could just call my cell phone.
Then I asked him if he was OK and he asked me if I was going to be OK and we both ended up crying. As if it wasn't emotional enough, he then said he's never really grieved his dad's death a year ago and hasn't really cried (not news to me as I've pointed this problem out.) We then spent the next hour or so crying and holding each other.
At some point I said to him, "well this is what you want." to which he said "well sometimes what you want doesn't make you happy." I replied "I don't want things that don't make me happy."
Eventually we pulled ourselves together and I dropped him off at his office (we only have one car) and then I drove down to the Potomac River and walked and cried some more. I think it is out of my system for the moment.
Today I am going to sign up to take a fiction class and then go out to dinner with my housemates.
On Wednesday, I'm going to have dinner with my H and we're going to go through our stuff and give things we don't need to Goodwill.
But, despite it being an emotional weekend, there is one bit of good news. My H said he is not going to drink at all this month and maybe won't next month either. He went out Friday and just drank water. I guess even with all the crappiness, there is still reason to be hopeful he can pull himself together.
After a truly horrible weekend, I'm finally in a better mood. Last night I started reading a good book and today I began the process of enrolling in a graduate fiction class. I also bought myself some new jeans. It's amazing how a few small positive things can have such a huge impact.
Of course I'm going to see H again tomorrow morning and I'm not sure exactly how I will handle it but I'm not going to allow myself to stress over the situation.
One of the biggest things I did to contribute to the collapse of my M was the pressure I put my H under. Pressure from having to do more than his share financially and pressure from taking care of me when I was depressed. When that was combined with the grief his family constantly gives him it was probably more than he could take. No wonder he wants to live by himself for a while without anyone telling him what to do.
It just really, really sucks to no longer live under the same roof. It's been a week and already I miss him. But then again I didn't move out for myself. I moved out so he could clear his head.
Hmm. I just realized another reason I'm in a better mood. I am seriously in DENIAL. Oh well.
Going to see H later tonight and can feel myself wanting to ask if I can come back yet. I just have absolutely no patience. This reminds me of a time very early in our R when my H went shopping and put groceries in my fridge. I freaked out and felt like he was trying to trap me. Very weird that things have completely turned around.
I was very good yesterday and didn't call him to see if we were still getting together tonight and he called me.
So I'm taking deep breaths and learning about patience when every urge in me wants to grab him and never let go.
I wanted to come over to your thread and check up on you. Your doing really well (I know you are anxious, sad and crying - that's not what I mean). You are holding yourself with dignity and behaving rationally even as your heart is torn to shreds. This is what I mean. Big hugs. (((((((((((((((((((((((SS)))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm so sorry for all of us. It's not right but maybe it's a passage, something to deepen or expand our consciousness. Oh baloney. This is just dreadful sh!t. I'm sorry.
Glad you think I'm doing well Flaneur. Frankly I'm not sure I agree. Beside all the crap going on with my H, my sisters are splitting up from their H and fiance. Now it's not like either of their Rs were perfect, but I feel like when I went down they followed.
I'm the oldest and I've always had to be the strong one, the one everyone (I have a younger brother too) comes to when they have a problem. I find it a bit irritating that I can't have my crisis without having to worry about them too. Perhaps what they are doing has nothing to do with me, but it certainly doesn't feel that way.
When I found out about my H's A, I told both my sisters. I told my youngest sister first as we're closest and then my middle sister who has gone through the same thing. I figured if they both knew there would be less pressure on them to keep the secret. My middle sister told only me about her H's A and it was so stressful to be the only one who knew.
Unfortunately, not long after, my youngest sister announced that she was not going to get married and moved in with my parents. Then my middle sister decided she was going to leave her H and got her own apartment. This all happened between Thanksgiving and New Year's.
I'm finding it very hard to talk to them not only because I have enough to worry about, but because it's hard to sympathize with a WAS.
GRRR. Little brats!
It's like I'm not allowed to fall down. When I was depressed last year (so great to finally not be depressed and then find out your H had an A) I feel like my H lost his admiration for me. I was always the one who took care of things and pulled everyone together. When I wasn't the strong person I had always been he went off and had an A.
GRRR. Big brat!
All of this means I'm having to pull a 180 on everyone by not taking care of any of them.
Hey SS- Sorry to hear about everything your family is going through...when it rains it pours.
And it is amazing how little things can really pick you up...nothing like a good fitting pair of jeans to really boost you!
One of the biggest things I did to contribute to the collapse of my M was the pressure I put my H under. Pressure from having to do more than his share financially and pressure from taking care of me when I was depressed. When that was combined with the grief his family constantly gives him it was probably more than he could take.
This really hit home for me. I don't think i realized the pressure that i put my H under as well, financially and emotionally, b/c i wasn't doing it on purpose. But, it doesn't matter, b/c that was his nature and deep down, i knew he would take care of everything...i took advantage of that. My H too has been the caretaker in his family...everybody goes to him for anything and everything. And that creates a lot of pressure as well...i don't think i understood that...i looked at it as he was so capable, that everyone turned to him. Perhaps i should have asked.
Now that i truly understand my role in all of this, i don't have the chance to show him how different things could be...i think he is just "done." Nevertheless, i continue to DB as best as i can and hope for the best!
I've come the the conclusion that even though I've moved out, I'm seeing too much of my H. Because of computer issues, I've had to come to our apartment several mornings to work. Fortunately a friend of mine is going to give me her laptop soon and I will be able to truly go dark on my H.
Yesterday morning I was working (I do Web research from home a couple of mornings a week) and my H was about to leave for work and I noticed the tie he was wearing. He had on the tie he married me in and I completely lost it and started crying. He's worn it for a couple other very special occasions, but I'm sentimental about the tie and I know he had to have known what my reaction was going to be.
In the end he changed his tie and then said something along the lines of "this is why we need some time apart." After he left I felt like crap and ended up sending him a text message to apologize: "sorry for getting emotional. I'm sentimental about the tie and you caught me offguard. You're right we do need some time to clear our heads."
At first I thought I made a horrible mistake in my reaction, but in the end I realized that A) he still cares enough that he would change the tie and B) he said "this is why we need time apart" and not "this is why we need to get a divorce" or something along those lines.
Then this morning he said he got my text message and before he left for work he actually asked me if I though his tie was tied too long. This is a very odd thing for him to do as in the past he complained about me having too much say over his clothing choices.
We had discussed doing something Saturday evening but I think it's off. When he left he said I'll see you Sunday right? which is when I will be back over to work next. Fortunately I'd already decided that I shouldn't see him on Saturday so I was one step ahead of him and not bothered he didn't want to see me tomorrow.
I saw my H this am and that will be the last contact I have with him for at least a week. I'm going dark this week, perhaps longer if I can endure.
The hard thing is that unlike many of you, my H and I have had some really positive interaction. He still tells me he loves me and we are still ML.
BUT, . . . despite everything he cannot let go of the "we're just not right for each other."
Perhaps I am not accepting the truth, but I really believe that we will eventually work things out. I guess if I didn't think that I would have just packed it in long ago.
Any tips on going dark? I know this means I should not answer his phone calls and reject his request to go out to dinner this Friday. The trouble is, I feel as if this is a delicate balancing act. I need to go dark but not too dark and push him away.
In the past we have had one reoccuring argument. When his father was close to dying I was on a road trip and because we had an argument (and I had no phone reception) I didn't call him back. He brings it up time and time again as an example of how he can't depend on me. Each time we have the argument I tell him that I didn't have phone reception and I had no idea that things with his dad were so dire or I would have found a way to call.
That said, I have noticed him showing more interest in me since I moved out. And, this morning when he realized that I was leaving our apartment as soon as I was done working on our computer and didn't want to chat, he stood by the door and insisted on giving me a hug and then asked if I wanted to go to dinner later in the week.
I know I have to do this and I believe I'm in a better frame of mind this week but I'm just so worried that this might push him away. I guess I just have to trust that he will realize how much he still loves me and come around.
This is the most painful and confusing part to DBing or "going dark" for me too. We spend so much time looking for the sign that things are on their way back to "normal" that we don't truly detach. I am not detached from my W. I know this and I know I will need more time to get there. Right now, I don't want to be detached. I think in your case, since he's already changed a bit in his approach, you probably need to stay the course and go dark. I know it's hard because you're in a similar situation with you H as I am with my W. One of the things people tell me to do is GAL. Well, my having a L while she sat home with the boys is one of the things that came up as a factor in her straying (and I know that's not totally my fault). In your case, your H accuses you of not being there for him and so maybe you feel that going dark, the ultimate form of not being there for someone in some ways, is just going to reinforce his feeling that you are not there for him. I can't give you an answer about how to deal with that feeling. All I can say is that the root of that feeling is attached to him, which is a no-no in DBing terms. Yes, you may stir up these feelings in him, but you are not supposed to speculate or really care how he perceives what you do. So much of what I write is something I myself can't do but I hope you have the strength to carry out what you believe is right. My therapist tells me that my major problem is that I have lived my life in my head and in the world of concepts/possibilities and never in my soul. She says that by always trying to conceptualize everything, trying to predict things and behave according to what I think may happen, I was never really there for anyone. I was never really in my marriage because I was spending too much time trying to make sure it would go the way I thought it should. Somewhere along the line I left my wife behind. According to this theory, just live in the moment and try not to live for what was or what will be. Maybe if you can do that at least sometimes, you will have the peace and clarity of mind to do what you have to do.
