OK so it's been a while since I posted--so sue me I've been trying to GAL. Actually, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm trying not to cough with all the smoke. Ha ha.
My H came back from his trip to Hong Kong and promptly got a horrible case of the flu. So instead of us talking about plans for Christmas or any talk about our R, I ended up taking care of him. Not that I minded, but it makes things so confusing. How could he expect me to take care of him when he's sick and want me around to comfort him yet still not want to put our marriage back together?
I've decided that he is scared to be with me. If he said to me, let's move to Spain in two weeks, I wouldn't hesitate. I want to try new things. I persuaded him to go hang gliding. I picked up a 1959 convertible I'd never seen and drove it halfway across the country by myself. That doesn't mean I'm fearless or reckless by any means (in fact I can be a bit of a goodie-goodie) but I want to see what is out there. And I wanted to do this with him.
Everyone else in his life, his family, his friends, all the other women before me and the one (that I know of) after have all been carbon copies of each other. Boring, boring flat characters (one-dimensional).
I've also decided that I do not forgive him for having an A. We've had the same argument over and over about how I wasn't there for him when his father was dying. Instead of going to me to grieve he went to the bcc (she shall be known as the bad carbon copy, all lower case.)
The thing is, I was there for him. I've always been there for him. It's him who wasn't there for me when I quit a job that was sucking the life out of me and making me really depressed. And I really hate him for that.
So I'm pulling a serious 180 on him. It might be going so far that it's more than a 180. He is now visiting his family in England. While he's been gone, I've moved out and I haven't told him. When I pick him up from the airport tomorrow I'll drop him off at our apartment and then be on my merry way (well maybe a quickie before I go )
I am very sure he has no idea. I don't know if this is going too far, but at this point, I'm not sure I care. I'm not willing to take him back regardless. I'm no longer willing to live with the constant thought that he could be starting a new affair or sneaking back to the old one.
In the past I had threatened to leave and then never followed through. Perhaps I need to make good on my threat. Unfortunately, this is the hardest thing I think I'm ever going to have to do in my life.
)