Last week I dropped an old ring my H bought me and stepped on it to prevent it from rolling away. In the process I cracked it and couldn't help but think of the symbolism.
Like the ring, our M is cracked but that doesn't mean I'm throwing either away.
I don't think before our M started to crumble that I realized just how much I loved him or what it really means to love a person. We are not all being doormats. We are people who love our spouses. And my H, like many others, is very confused right now and is hurting.
So many of my friends and family wonder why I'm fighting so hard for my M as my H has been a jerk. My only response is that I love him and that you don't know what you will do for love until you are in that situation.
I think my H is finally coming out of a long fog, one that was complicated by his depression over the death of his father a year ago and subsequent affair, and his drinking every night after work.
Through everything that has happened I have learned so much about myself. I used to get so mad at him about lots of little things. Now I've realized those things just don't matter.
I've also realized that I need to be my own person. We had a long talk about the story of us and what it was that first made him fall in love with me. I'm no longer that person, and both he and I miss who I used to be--though I'm starting to become myself again.
In a sense, I think we must divorce our old marriage and start a new one.
About a month ago I learned my H had an affair a year ago at the time of his father's death. I think he decided it was a mistake and ended it but I know he's still in contact with her. He changed a great deal after his dad died and just when we were putting things back together he started drinking again and decided he wanted a divorce. I had agreed to move out after New Year's but he doesn't appear to be in a rush for this to happen.
I've made progress, but there is still much work left to do.
Morning superstressed- I just wanted to jump in here b/c i have felt the same way you feel. I didn't know what it really meant to love someone. My H used to ask me why I loved him...i used to just say "i do." Several months ago, i sat down and thought about it and realized that love is made up of all the little things. I wrote him a letter and told him why i loved him: for the way he crinkles his nose, for the way he is so passionate about cooking, for the way he is with our cats, for the way he is with my parents...things like that. It really made it so much clearer for me...and i think he appreciated it...after he read it, he said "i'm glad you noticed." I know that i took my H for granted...i just wish i would have the chance to make it up to him...i don't know if i ever will.
And you're right, its so hard to explain to people who haven't been in our shoes why we are fighting for our M. My family asks how i could still want him after everything that he has done to me. I don't think its something that one can explain...you just feel it.
I, too, have realized that i am not the same person i was 10 years ago...in both good and bad ways. And I agree with you that i think my H and I have to D our old M and make a new one. Kind of makes sense since i don't really want our old M anyway.
I haven't read your thread, but I will catch up on your sitch. I hope that things work out as you want them. Take care.
Very good stuff Imdi...I did something similar and it was funny Dave's response was...and why are you telling me this now. I had been telling him all along in our R...but he never heard it, never listened...and my actions were always stronger than my words. Even when we discussed getting married his question would be "Why would you want to marry me." I think back then that he never thought himself worthy and even though I tried to convince him, I guess I couldn't break down the walls of depression. It's almost obvious now to me after reading about the passive/aggressive and depression that Dave was suffering greatly in his own personal hell and there was truly nothing I could do to help him.
My friends from day 1 have said Honey you can do a thousand times better than him, why are you wasting your time. His friends said the same thing...honey your miles ahead of him, he's not worthy of someone like you...blah blah blah...and I ignored them all...but while they thought that I was foolish in my passion for trying to save him from himself, work on our R...they did stand behind me and for that I am thankful...and now that I have dropped the rope and started to date once again...my friends can't believe the change in me...they never knew the me before Dave and now they are seeing this person bloom in front of them...a funny story...a couple of weeks ago I was sitting at the table at the dart tourney and I said okay boys I am ready to start dating again...and we all looked around the room...and laughed, okay so we know it won't be anyone from here...but they were sooo happy to see that I had finally accepted things as they were...
Imdi you almost made me cry. My H always complained that I could never say what it was about him that I loved. And you're right--it's the hundreds of little things that I love. I've always said that the longer I know him, the more handsome he looks.
I'm trying to remind myself that the statement "beautiful women want to be told they are smart and smart women want to be told they are beautiful" applies to men too. He's always complimented my looks, me his brains. I've been making a real effort to consistently tell him how nice he looks. (And he is damn cute!)
The cat part really hit home too. We don't have kids but how he's treated our cats mirrors what everyone has written about their spouses treatment of their kids. He used to be the one to feed them in the morning. When he pulled away from me he stopped feeding the cats and didn't even acknowledge them. Now that we're making slow progress he's started to play with them again.
And Sassy I hear you on the we deserve someone better. Whether we can "do better" is unimportant. We probably all could. But that misses the most important part. We are with our Hs because they bring something out in us, they make us happy and we love being with them. Funny that people would say that about your spouse but not about your friends.
So my H is out of the country on business (12 hr time difference) and now I get to obsess over whether he will call me or whether to suck it up and call him. Does anyone else feel like they're in high school?
His business trip couldn't have come at a worse time. We still haven't decided what we're doing for Christmas and we were finally starting to make progress. Now I'm not going to see him or really be able to talk to him until the end of next week. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Sometimes I feel like everything I've gone through is my punishment for being a writer. I mean really, how many good writers are there who haven't somehow screwed up their lives. And I was worried that having kids would change my perspective as a writer. I think all of this has changed me far more than having children will.
Quote: Does anyone else feel like they're in high school?
Oh, I do. I've had many a moment like that, with a man I've been married to for 14 years. It's bizzare.
I wanted to say to you that my H & I don't have kids either, but we do have a cat and a puppy, who have been like our kids. They live at our house with me. I can't believe he doesn't come by more often to visit them, especially the dog.
Sorry for the small hijack. I'm sure your kitties bring you a lot of comfort. I love our pets and am very grateful for them. The house would be very lonely if it weren't for their company right now.
Hope your H. calls soon.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: Does anyone else feel like they're in high school?
More like Kindergarten in my sitch or maybe we should just regress all the way to PreSchool.
At least my First Love from High School and I still communicate some 20yrs later. In fact everytime we do talk, the big joke is why WE didn't get married...and I have to remind him that the timing was never right between us...He was married, I was not, I divorced and he's been living with someone...That's been going on for 20yrs. He almost did meet me in SF a few years ago but chickened out at the last minute...probably a good thing!!
So what plans have you made then since you haven't heard from him....don't you think back up plans or plans without him might be in order...so you aren't waiting on him?
Well we have actually spoken every day since he left. Sometimes he calls, sometimes I call. It's just very frustrating.
Not everyone can be the queen of GAL Ms. Sassy! :-)
My plans are this: get a new job, get my husband back, get a new car and get into grad school in that order.
At the moment I work from home and not only does it not pay enough but frankly I'm getting bored. I'm pretty much a homebody and if you're going to be a writer you've got to enjoy your own company, which I do. But, I will admit, I do need to GAL. I love my cats, but there is such thing as too much togetherness.
This is absolutely high school...thought i was done with the games when i married...WRONG!
I am jealous of everybody who gets to live with their pets. I miss my 2 cats so badly. Used to love sleeping with them next to me (oh, and H too). I get weekly visitation with them, but its just not the same. Luckily, they still love me and haven't forgotten about me. Whole thing just sucks!
I love your goals...what are you doing to work towards them in your personal life. What type of writing do you do...I am fascinated!! Details...details!!
LOL!! Queen of GAL...I love it...do I get to wear a Tiara???
