Last week I dropped an old ring my H bought me and stepped on it to prevent it from rolling away. In the process I cracked it and couldn't help but think of the symbolism.
Like the ring, our M is cracked but that doesn't mean I'm throwing either away.
I don't think before our M started to crumble that I realized just how much I loved him or what it really means to love a person. We are not all being doormats. We are people who love our spouses. And my H, like many others, is very confused right now and is hurting.
So many of my friends and family wonder why I'm fighting so hard for my M as my H has been a jerk. My only response is that I love him and that you don't know what you will do for love until you are in that situation.
I think my H is finally coming out of a long fog, one that was complicated by his depression over the death of his father a year ago and subsequent affair, and his drinking every night after work.
Through everything that has happened I have learned so much about myself. I used to get so mad at him about lots of little things. Now I've realized those things just don't matter.
I've also realized that I need to be my own person. We had a long talk about the story of us and what it was that first made him fall in love with me. I'm no longer that person, and both he and I miss who I used to be--though I'm starting to become myself again.
In a sense, I think we must divorce our old marriage and start a new one.
About a month ago I learned my H had an affair a year ago at the time of his father's death. I think he decided it was a mistake and ended it but I know he's still in contact with her. He changed a great deal after his dad died and just when we were putting things back together he started drinking again and decided he wanted a divorce. I had agreed to move out after New Year's but he doesn't appear to be in a rush for this to happen.
I've made progress, but there is still much work left to do.
