YoYo, I understand your pain completely. I have been apart from my wife for 11 months and we goto court this week for custody and support. She told me that she is not looking to D but her actions show tremendous anger. Whatever you can do, work on yourselk with getting stronger and stronger. Build up the wall of no pain if need too.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
I know how it feels to be tired and the monkeying around. I think you were right in not giving into him his request for another week extension. I know that must have been hard.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Bowtech/ KDK - Thanks for dropping by to offer your support.
Lots happened since my last post on Tuesday. Loads of emails exchanges, text exchanges. Even called him up in the middle of the night. He shouted. I shouted. Was a really really BAD encounter. At one point he said "you really don't know when to pick a fight and when not to pick a fight". Basically, he acknowledged that ow is very important and that at the rate I am going now, I am pushing him to ow. I cried and felt like sh!t. Really felt that I was worth nothing. Then he started calling again and telling me that I am also important blah blah blah. But don't know what happened but somehow "kissed and made-up" I am a real confused sucker.
Wednesday...Started off with H giving me a call early in the morning to check if I was okay. Then there were the texts... H: For our sanity...here's what we do. We'll 'act' like its over from the 1st day of CNY (Sunday) like u scheduled. I'll be back again on the following weekend will settle everything once and for all. If it's quits, I'll send u the lawyer's letter within a week. Once signed, we'll tell the boys. Ok?? No more fighting and breaking down. Then H called again...asking me if I understood the text. He then says "this gives me the one week grace period that I asked for...and you can live in denial or whatever" (WTF?? Didn't fight. Just said up to him.." Then more texts H: We communicate via sms ok?? Anyway, burnt my fingers last night while cooking dinner. gonna rub some ointment. Me: Good. God wants to punish you. Up to you what you want to do. I am reverting to my original plan. You want out. You go sort out the paperwork. Don't disturb me now. Gonna work. H: OK....go work you. Go whack some vendors. I'll do that in 30 minutes. Tower issue really bad!!! Me: How unfortunate that the towers didn't crash on you. H: What...want me to die already?? Better plane crash then...get more money!!! Me: Like I said...either way, mourning is the same. Might as well get some money for me. H: Yesterday I whacked our tower vendors...today, they send a hot chick with mini-skirt to talk to me!! Me: So? You s**ew the hot chick. Okay..don't disturb me. Gonna work now. H:Ok Hottie!!!
Am as confused as ever.... I think I am very stressed out because I am giving myself too much pressure to be the one to put a stop to it?? Think I was more calm and collected when I have the blase attitude. So, thought I will just not care for the time being and be a little carefree for awhile. Don't think I can take the stress...
This is my notes from a book I started reading yesterday. This makes alot of since in all cases.
* Both parties engage in certain behaviors. No one causes it. No one is to blame. You both do what you do.
* You have a choice about how you react to a given situation.
* The problems that come up is not your partner; the problem is the dance that you and your partner do together. You have a part in that dance.
* Be patient with yourself.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Bowtech/ Kismet - Thank you very much for dropping by again with your support and kind words.
Bowtech - The notes from your book does make a lot of sense. I think sometimes we are soooo caught up with our emotions that we don't consciously think with our heads. Yes, it is a dance that is being danced by the two of us, or should I say, three of us? Yes, I think I will be patient with myself and to not pressure myself to DO stuff. I realise that whenever we have a big fight, it was started because I was the one PUSHING TO DO a certain thing, and it stresses me out sooo much that I bring it up with H and that sets it all off. I am just gonna "hang loose" for a bit and not pressure myself. I think I am pressuring myself because I am thinking internally that I MUST adhere to the Sunday 29th deadline, and I MUST TAKE ACTION NOW!!! Which I think I am emotionally not ready...and guessed that's what caused my recent haywire behaviour.
Mr Yoyo does sound a bit more rational I guess in that he knows you mean business and won't be yanked around by him anymore. Kismet - Yes, he does sound a bit rational with not letting the kids know until things are final. One of the texts that he sent, he said "You may not believe this...but the boys are the 2 most important persons in my life. U do whatever u have to do. As long as the papers r not signed n final...I don't want them to lose hope. I love the boys so much and I'll be back."
Try and think calming thoughts. You know what...I've read that LAUGHING is actually good....even if it is fake. I tried that...and somehow the fake HA HA HA actually would turn to a REAL Ha ha ha...think it's because it's so absurd that you just automatically gets tickled by it.
Sorry Yoyo I cannot think of anything constructive at all to say, but just know I am thinking of you Kismet - No need to apologise. Just knowing that you are thinking of me is really GOOD enough.
Journalling... As I said from my last post. I was gonna be blase about my sitch to destress abit. So, have been a little more productive at work.
In the evening (Wed), got a text to ask if the $$ he sent has been credited to my account. I check and then texted him "Yes. Thanks". He didn't reply so wasn't sure if he got the text. SO I re-texted. This time he did reply.
At 8 pm, he called my mobile. Small talk. H: Hi! Are you okay? Me: Yes. Going to have dinner now. H: How come so late? Me: Oh..rain blah blah traffic, so came home blah blah. H: You are over at your mom's? Me: No. Here in my house. H: WHich? Our house? Your mom is there? Me: Yes. Err...boys are upstairs. Can you call later to talk to them. Kinda lazy to go get them now. H: Ok. I'll call later.
So, had dinner..chatted with my mom blah blah blah.
8.30 pm. H called the house phone. Knew it was him. SO got S5 to answer the phone. Then S8 spoke to him. THen he asked me to talk to his father. Took the phone... H: HI! How are you? Me: Okay. H: Is your mom still there? Me: Yeah. H: She sleeping over? Me: No. Just helping S8 on something. H: Can you go upstairs and talk to me? Me: Err..are you going to tell me something that I need to be mentally prepared? H: Just go upstairs.
So..off I went. First thing when I picked up the phone was to crack a joke "you are not expecting phone s@x now are you? LOL" He said "No LOL" Loads of stuff that he said...(not really in order) H: I promised you that I would sort out things by the 1st week of February. Just close one eye or both eyes for these two weeks. I mean less than 2 weeks. Me: you gonna take her on a cruise?? (Went on to tell him about Dr. Harley that the right way was to write a letter and the WAS way was to take the op to a round-the-world cruise to gently break off. Can't remember what else) H: No! Me: You taking her to PLResort? H: NO! Maybe I'll take you there? Me: Yeah Right. H: Do you still love me? It's important for me to know.I still care and love you H: Before I say anything...don't say "whatever. I'll listen first blah blah blah". Okay what if I sort everything out. Will you move to Country X? Okay Okay..let's see the two sides. The negatives..If I choose to go to ow, what would happen? Will you still stay here? Me: Well (I was very calm) if you continue to pay me $$ yes. Otherwise, guessed we will have to sell the place and move back to my mom's. H: Of course I will continue with the $. Me: Okay then. I will continue to stay here. Things will remain the same. Boys will still have their friends, go to their badminton classes etc. We will be fine. H: Will I get to see the boys? Me: I will do the right thing. I will let the boys to see you. You can pick them up. But you have to do the right thing by NOT forcing ow down their throats because they are not ready. H: I won't. What about holidays? Can I take them ? Me: I guessed... But you have to be responsible. H: I am responsible. Me: Guessed would be on a case by case basis. That is as long the boys want to. BUt if they don't want to go with you... H: Yeah. I know. OKay, Now that was the worst case. Now the best case. I sort out everything with ow within 2 weeks. Will you move to Country X? Is the house okay? Will it be too interuptive to the boys' schooling? Me: I don't know.... House is fine but kitchen is kinda small. Can't really do much cooking. H: What do you mean can't do much cooking? Me: I don't know..haven't really thought much about this. This bit is kinda scary... H: Never thought about it going this way? And why scary? Me: Well, first there is the trust issues. H: That aside. My question is WIll you move to Country X? WHat if Australia? WIll you move to Sydney with me? Me: Aiya... When you've sorted out then ask me. Now I just listen first. H: See ...see... I knew you were gonna say "listen first". Me: Yeah...you cannot blame me right? blah blah blah.. Anyway, ended the call with normal goodbyes and him saying "I'll call you tmrw or day after".
That was generally our convo yesterday .... So, we'll see what happens. As you never know what Mr.YOYO is up to at different times. Just gonna "hang loose" and not worry until I see the papers... Not gonna stress myself up.
* Both parties engage in certain behaviors. No one causes it. No one is to blame. You both do what you do.
* You have a choice about how you react to a given situation.
* The problems that come up is not your partner; the problem is the dance that you and your partner do together. You have a part in that dance.
* Be patient with yourself.
* Relax...give up the struggle...let your mate-and yourself- be exactly how you really are. Stop fighting against it.
* Stop fighting. Stop blaming. Graciously accept your situation even if you don't like it. Accept your feelings about it too.
* "I'm going to change so we (Everyone I have interaction with) can be happy"
* Anger is like nuclear power: It can be used to destroy or to enhance your quality of life.
* Promote harmony & decrease tention in any situation.
* It doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong, if you care of your partner's feeling's and needs, the assaults and complaints will stop.
* Letting a person vent without being defensive is a true act of love.
* Give up your ideas about who is to blame for any particular problem. Don't blame your spouse or yourself. Focus only on the dynamics between you, the "dance" you do together. Accept your partner and your partner's behavior. Above all, don't make yourself right and your partner wrong. No matter how awful you think your partner's behavior is, you are part of the dance.
* Focus on creating good feelings daily.
* "Act as if" you are a loving spouse open up several possibilities. Do this minimum five minutes each day.
* “I don't feel no ways tired. I've come too far from where I've started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy. And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me.” And remember: “Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win”! You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
* Give your mate the very things you would most like to be receiving back.
* Action matter and all that counts. Create the atmosphere you want first. Only then will trust and respect have a chance to grow.
* Good will means making you love active, not passive. It means you taking the iniative to act on your loving feelings.
** When you pay attention to what makes you happy, you will enjoyyourself more and feel better. When you enjoy yourself more, you will be more attractive and more fun to be with. When you are more fun to be with, your spouse will find you appealing and will start to feel good also. When your spouse starts to feel good also, you'll feel better.
* Change "Incompatible" to "Complementry"
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Yoyo any updates? I know the date has come and gone. Did Mr Yoyo come to any decisions or does he need more time? I hope you are ok, well as best can be under the circumstances. Hang in there. Thinking of you ((((Yoyo))))
Yoyo your last post annoyed me a little. Your H seemed to be weighing up which scenario would be better. It was like he was worried that if he went with OW you wouldn't let him see the boys and wanted to know where you would live etc etc.
I would be making my decision and stuff him b/c he just keeps getting extensions. Even if you make the decision, who said he can't win you back again but at least you would be showing him you mean business.
Hey if he hasn't answered you by 2nd week of Feb are you going to contact OW or her family?????
Bow, KDU, Kismet - Thanks for checking up on me. Am doing fine. Will update in a while.
Bow - Thank you very much for the wonderful advisory notes. Will try to remember those IF H and I do reconcile. At this moment, really don't know and do not want to think about it.
KDU/Kismet - No decisions from Mr. Yoyo yet.... Gave him the extension till 5/6th of Feb.
From my last post...can't really remember the details.Thurs & Friday, brief texts from H about some unrelated stuff.
Saturday (28th) : H did come back from Country X. He texted me to pick him up at the station, and told me that I should drop the boys off at my mom's first so that we could have drinks at the hotel (located adjacent to the station), and then go over to my mom's for the Reunion Dinner.
We had drinks at the hotel, can't remember our convo. But was pleasant enough. He was eager to go home to have s@x. At first, I told him NO more until he sorts out stuff which is about ~ 5th Feb. (But you know me...can't resist.. ) Anyway, on the way to the car, think he said something like "who says I am staying at home". To which I turned back towards the hotel and said "Okay, then let's check in first". Well, he dragged me off and pushed me towards the direction of the car. Went home. Did it and then headed off to my mom's for the reunion dinner. He was very normal and family treated him normally too. Immediately after dinner, he said that he had to go visit his father (more about this later) and then out to drinks with his friends. So off he goes, and came back about 11.45 pm.
Next morning (Sunday)...early in the morning, he said that he had to go visit some friends. (Of course, I was abit upset. The first day of CNY, it is a day where we visit our parents first)... He knew I was upset, and we also had a little tiff. Blah blah blah. Then he went out. He texted me but I didn't see it. BUt He called me H: Did you see my text? Me: NO H: Anyway, I just want to tell you that if I am not sincere, I won't be asking you for the one week. I would be jumping for joy now to go. I will sort it out okay? Blah blah blah. Me: Ok. Whatever. H: As you said, you want me to be truthful, I will have to go to her place later today to drop something off. Me: What? H: Well, it's not the stuff that you packed this morning (Actually, I was really thinking if it's the stuff I packed) Me: Then what? Money? H: Can you please not ask. blah blah blah
As I was leaving my house, in the car. H called again. H: Can you do me a favor? Me: What? H: Can you please not let your mom know that I am out this morning? (As I said, we were supposed to visit family elders first!!!) Me: ... H: Can't you see that I am also trying to patch things up with your family? Blah blah blah blah. Me: OKay.
So, I went off to the temples with my mom, and then later, H brought the boys over to my mom's. And he went over visitng some relatives with me too. After that, hung out at home. I did ask H "thought you have to go over there? to which he answered "already". I didn't pursue the issue. We did have another session and there was a lot more hugging and niceness this time. I don't know if I am deceiving myself or what... Asked him if he needed me to fold some of his clean clothes for him to take back with him, to which he replied "no need". Then I took him to the station to catch his flight. Gave me a peck before he left. I have to say that it did cross my mind if ow is going back with him...as it is long holidays over here.
Monday (30th) SIL came over for a visit. And guessed what. FIL called and asked about H...wondering how come H did not call him. And instantly bells were ringing....If H went to see his father on Saturday, why would his father ask about him?? H lied again??!???!!! He was probably over at ow's home. I sent him a text "Guess what? Your father just called to ask how come you didn't contact him. WOnder where you really went on Saturday night.... MMmmmm". H replied "I was out with P. Have to go now...call you later."...He did call about noon. Boys spoke to him but I didn't really want to talk but he insisted. As i was having lunch, I kept it real short.
Anyway, these past few days, have been rather busy myself. With the festivities...I have been either having friends over or am over at friends' houses. ow may or may not be with him...but it is not something that I have control over. So, not going to think too much about it.
Today...was over at a friend's house, we did have a talk about my WAS. His lawyer friend said that when I called him up for a Divorce Lawyer, he called my H and my H told him "if push comes to shove, he will want the family". So, I don't know how true this is. This was before H came back from Country X.
I want to see the positives but at the same time, I don't want to think about it as it is really just 2 days away... I've been thinking about what I should do... I thought about it and have decided that I would leave the legal papers for H to initiate. Once he sends them to me, I will get my own lawyer to review and negotiate. No point getting myself all stressed up to draw up the papers. Besides, if ow wants to marry, she will be pushing H to sort out the papers. Meanwhile, I would just carry on with my life and to limit contacts with him. Contacts would just to discuss about the boys. I've told him that after the deadline, he should get a mobile for the boys that is dedicated for his calls. So that he doesn't have to call my house or my mobile. As long as I still get my $$, I wouldn't worry about the legal papers. I am not the one in a hurry to get married....
If I am not wrong about a person, I don't think he will STOP giving me the $$. Even if he is very much in love with the ow, I know he still cares for me, and wouldn't want me to be in doldrums. So, I feel that even if he decides to leave us...Life would be okay....
One positive is that he calls the boys every day, and does want to ask how I am doing with those calls. Even if he does leave us for the ow, he would still be concerned about me and the boys....and it would really drive her nuts.. Previously, wanted to go talk to ow...but decided against it... Don't wanna waste my time and energy on trash. If H wants to go to the trash...Why would I want to smell it too??? Makes no sense, right?
So, am just hanging loose......and living the moment...of festivities and get-togethers...
I am a real confused sucker.
Previously, wanted to go talk to ow...but decided against it... Don't wanna waste my time and energy on trash. If H wants to go to the trash...Why would I want to smell it too??? Makes no sense, right?