Since my last post. H called at 10.00 pm on Thursday night. We had about 1/2 chat about all sorts. No real R talk till towards the last 2 minutes. But kept it short and philosophical.
Friday. No calls. Just a text at about 7 pm to say that he has talked to the boys.
Saturday. No calls at all. No texts. (If I know his patterns...this seems like he is with ow. I know that I am @ssuming. I lay in bed and was imagining them together. I know this is bad and I was feeding my "sorrow" with ammunition. But funny...although I thought of them kissing and doing stuff... I somehow couldn't get myself to feel the sadness nor to be able to cry. Just felt numb. Kinda weirdly numb...)Btw, lots of activities ... went Yoga, painted the pillars and walls fronting my house and spring cleaned. Felt proud of myself...
Sunday, More spring cleaning... and then went to a birthday party for friend's kid. Hung out from about 3 pm till 7 pm. Yup..was a long one. H texted about 2.30 pm telling me that he's gone to the movie and going home to watch another. Then he called but boys were running around at the party so he didn't get to talk to them. He called again about 7.30 pm. Boys were in the shower. So I told that. Then he went on to tell me what he was applying for the job down under online. I answered "Whatever" and he said "why do you sound like you are angry?" I said "No. I am not. bye" . Ended the call but I sent him a text immediately so that he won't think that I was upset. I am not upset. Just didn't want to reeled into the start of another drama. "Boys will call you when they are done with their bath". Later, got the boys to call him and he spoke to both boys. Then I told S5 to put down the phone but he said "Dad wants to talk to you". I didn't feel like talking but picked the phone up anyway. H asked about the boys. I answered him and then said "goodnight and bye" and ended the call. Tucked boys in bed and got back to my room. Saw that H had texted. H: oi.... what's with u?? U sounded different...in fact like pissed off with me. Me: No. I am not. Put boys in bed. And going to bed myself too. Good Night. H: Ok Then. Just that u sounded different. Nite nite. I'll be in Country Y from Wed to Sat. After that, will see the boys. Flight on waitlist though.
I didn't reply his latest text. Didn't want to. Don't have anything to say other than OK. So might as well save on the few $. I guessed I was kinda pissed with him. I think I am feeling more resentment than sadness. When I see the fathers spending time with their kids at the party, can't help feeling resentful. When I wake up early in the morning to ferry the kids to school, I do feel resentful that I have to be the single parent doing that... (thank god for my parents for helping out) ...I have to stop this RESENTMENT.
I did think to myself - If he goes off with ow, will I be happier if H is happy or when he is depressed/miserable? I guessed although it is sad for me to feel that he no longer needs me and is happy without me...I think this is something that I need to accept and get used to.. BECAUSE the alternative, of H being depressed, miserable and down in the dumps is worse for me to accept. So be it.
Daily Mantra LIVE THE MOMENT Do not waste TODAY by worrying about TOMORROW!
