Really don't know what came over me AGAIN... I was fine... and then????
Thursday Nite. Text H around 8 pm to let him know that we will be home in about 20 minutes if he wants to call the boys. ( He did mention earlier that he would call them)... The message was not delivered. Guessed he was on the flight. An hour later, H called and we chatted a bit. Asked if he was on a flight back from his overnight trip. He said NO. Asked if he was flying to OZ tonight and he said NO, will be tmrw. Passed the line to the boys. I was still very calm and collected. Even sent him a little text before I went to bed to enjoy his trip to OZ. Then had a call from a girlfriend. And things started going downhill from there. I know i am REACTING alot but really did feel shitty. She said "I really want to slap you. I want you to stop living in denial. If he wants to do the right thing, he would do it now...not wait another 4 weeks. And who is he kidding? Flying off on Friday morning and arriving in OZ in the evening. You tell me...who actually works on Friday evenings???? during this time of the year? He probably has something planned with ow and using this as an excuse!!!"
I guessed it was like a little bell ringing in my head. And yes,..normally EVERYBODY is on vacation at this time of the year...and to arrive over there on Friday evening.. Even my denial self couldn't swallow that bit. *sigh* Feels damn shitty. I know I know..NOT DETACHING... I did the unthinkable again...took out my mobile and started texting.. Me: Well, u must be really bz 2 turn ur phone off. C says I'm in denial. I guessed I am. U probably planned d new year weekend away with her and using the OZ interview as cover. Where would anyone be working at this time of the year? Really am in denial to think that is the case. Feel so stupid like a dumb @ss. No wonder C wants to slap me!! Really...if you have any compassion left for me, just call us quits now. I am feeling so sad that someone so dear to me actually thinks so little of me and can keep on lying and lying. If she is all you want, why wait> I am really one dumb woman. Me:I guessed what C says is right. If you want to do the d right thing, why must wait? Guess the answer is you don't want to. Only I am so stupid to hang on. Stupid to have hope. You know...Your phone in never out of reception unless you are on the flight which you said that you are not. So means you are with her and don't want to be disturbed!! Just call us quits now and 2006 can be a new beginning for us. Just hope that you keep your word on providing for the boys. Me: Call me a liar or whatever. I don't want to wait till end-Jan. I am calling us quits now. WIll talk about the separation agreement when you come back for your sister's wedding. I will draft something. Few hours later.... H: I am not with her. I have GPRS on whole day. Anyway, talk when I get back. I didn't reply.
This morning..Friday. Got a text very very early in the morning from H. H: Now I'm realy going away. Flying via Country Y. Call or sms you when I get there. ...and stop with that changing mind. End Jan is a good time!!! No..I didn't reply.
I really don't want to be messed up again. I am indeed yoyo-ing like crazy. Feel like crap. Am the worst DBer ever... Don't want to deal with him... I am kinda afraid that I will slip into some kind of depression come end-Jan. My girlfriend is soooo afraid that I will commit suicide or something (her cousin actually attempted to when she found out that her H was cheating on her....)I know I won't do something stupid like that but I know I will be depressed...*sigh*...How do I get out of this RUT??
I don't think I will post in anybodys' thread for a while....I will be of NO use and NO good to anyone's sitch or PMA. I am such a failure ...can't control my emotions, my moods... my actions.. I can't control him..and I can't control myself?? That is bad!!
I don't know what to do...Guessed I will just stay DARK for awhile...*sigh* Sigh* Sigh*
