Okay..didn't manage to adhere to my DETACHING goal (I need to print-out the methodology from the website provided my NYSurvivor)...had a major panic attack. Had this idea that H will be running away with ow to Oz (okay..that's where ow got her PR status), and be non-contactable and not gonna pay maintenance. He will be on his way to Oz today for an interview...that's why the sudden attack of him leaving us high and dry sort of strikes me. I tell you it was really really a scary thought. Not so much of H leaving me...but more of leaving zero $... I have to say was kinda obsesses with the horror negative thoughts... and started hounding H with text messages since Tuesday night. Tuesday Nite's Texts Me: Pls don't get angry. Are you running away to Oz with ow. I know that she has OZ PR. I can't stop you, but just need to know in advance so that I can be prepared and be strong for the boys. H: Told you that I'm just checking out. That's all. In any case, if I were to leave, it doesnt' matter where i go...rite?? Nite nite...I'll call again either tomr or day after. Me: Yes and No. Yes because it would mean that you will not see the boys often. Maybe once a year? And probably call them once a week? As it is, you are so near yet don't really see them often. As for me, then no difference.Just need to weep for me, us, for you... H: Thought you said you will be happy for me?? So why will u weep for me?? Anyway, pls go sleep. In any case, I have till end-January!!! Me: Weep for you because the old P(H's initial) is gone and there would be no-going back. Perhaps you are tired of being the old, responsible P and want to be the new, exciting, high-flying P. H: Can still be good old P.....nite nite!!! Me: (Can't remember what I said but something like old P's brain being abducted by aliens etc)
Wednesday PM... Around noon, received text from H "I'm going to KT for the night....then back tmrw. After that going to Oz. So, pls don't freak out whne you can't contact me. I'll text u later today or tomorrow." I replied via email...just acknowledging his text...and giving no comment on his Oz trip.
In the evening, my REAL panic attack set in again...texted H. Me: Pls don't be angry. But if you runaway to OZ with ow, will you still be contactable? Will I have to leave the house? Will you still provide for the boys? I know that you cannot provide any reassurances about our marriage, and I am not asking for that. But would you at least assure me that you will provide for the boys financially? I am really feeling very scared. H: Told you not to worry. I won't be running to Oz!! And I'll always provide for the boys. Me: Thank you.
I guessed I do feel better??? That he will always provide for the boys... To lose a H is one thing...to lose the financial security is another. I certainly can't pay for the mortgage and all the stuff....
Havent' heard from H so far today. No...not going to ponder. He will be off on a flight to Oz later today... I did send him a little text "Hope you will find what you are looking for in Oz. Good Wishes!!!"
Okay.....will see what happens...half the day gone....
