Bonkers, Ellie, Kismet - Thanks for dropping by...
Either they overheard something S8 did tell me once that he heard us mention D, and that he was pretending to be asleep. But when I asked a little bit more, he said he couldn't remember the details...just that D was mentioned, and S8 told me to not tell H that S8 overheard us.
sit down with them and talk about it Yes, I intend to do that. The boys understand a lot of what is right and what is wrong. And I think they need to know the truth, confront the hurt/anger and then start to deal with it. I've actually found a child psychologist on hand....
Maybe you could just ask them some questions to see what they know? Consciously, they don't know anything. But sub-consciously, they know something is not right. And they just don't know how to express their confusion, because they don't know what's causing it. I've been feeding them with lies (that's why it's soooo hard on me mentally...I am tired of telling lies to everyone to cover H's "dignity") that their dad works soooo hard to feed us, and clothe us.. blah blah blah...that it's making me sick lying through my teeth.
Journalling... I think I may have been disillusioned and perhaps expected too much after H's stay over at our house.
Anyway, yesterday we had some text exchanges... Me: How was your work thing yesterday? Anyway, few questions...When r ur flights? R u staying in d hse or elsewhere? WIll u be having dinner 4 dad's b'day on Xmas eve? R u having Xmas tea wif us n friends? What about Xmas dinner? Not bombarding u...just need info 2 plan. Appreciate ur feedback. Thanks a bunch. (I know ..I know... I asked for it, right? By asking where he is staying...asking toooooo many questions....)
H: Flights I need to check. Don't know where I'm staying yet. Will have dinner for eve and Xmas, and tea for Xmas as well. Me: Just asking, are you staying at ow's?
(I know...I know... again...@ssuming that he will be at ow's...and driving myself mad. I know all that as I typed out our texts.... )
H: Pls stop asking. I have not decided if I should stay in the house or not. OK??? Me: I am not bugging u. Just need u to help me to think of something 2 explain to d boys, my dad, my mom n my grandma. Why r u so bloody angry?? If I am not adhering to my word, I wld just say F**K It. So don't come and show your temper. Go ahead and spend all your Xmas time with your precious huney or whatever you call each other tehse days. I am sick and tired. Don't bother to pity us to spend your holiday with us. I will just tell the boys that you have more important things. Nite. (I know...I know... I lost it. Over-reacted. But just soooooo tired. I mean how am I gonna explain to my family. Tell them my H and I are separated? He's seeing ow? And then what? Won't my family feel uncomfortable to sit together with him to have dinner with him? It's just tooooooo weird. I think tooo much.)
H:I'm not angry at all and I've told you that I'm gonna be around for eve and Xmas. So, what more do you want? Me:I don't want anything. Don't need anything. Not hoping for anything. You spending Xmas eve and day is for you and your kids. Seriously, I don't know what you want. As for me, I am hanging around patiently till end-Jan so that I can call it quits. This is too exhausting. I know you are also hanging around till end end-Jan so that you can say that it's me that call it quits. I know you. Whatever.. Just so so tired. So tired till I don't feel any emotions. I am so so drained. Nite. H:I'll never say taht I are the one who it quits (What is he saying??? Don't understand!!) In any case, I'm also tired. I have so much in my mind now. I'll be back for Xmas with the boys.l You better go sleep. Talk to you tomorrow. Nite. Nite. Me: Don't know what you said. Some text was missing. Anyway, you call d boys at my moms. I am going to site. You may have to get the boys a mobile for you to call them in future. Nite. H: U take care ok?? I'll talk to u tmrw. Have a good sleep tonight. Me:No need to talk to me if its not about the boys or practical issues. And I don't want to be the one increasing your stress levels. You don't have to worry about me. I will know how to take care of myself. And soon I will cease to be ur burden and responsibility. You go do your work well, reach the stars and be on the cover of Business Week. H: Aiyo... you huh. You are not a burden. Be a good girl and go to bed. Nite nite.
(The way he words his texts...really sound like there is nothing wrong...or its a joke!?!)
Me: Whatever... Stay wherever you want. Boys probably won't really ask.
No reply on this one... I really think too much...plan too much... *sigh*
This AM...Sent him this text...yes... i know it is d@mn sarchy but I just don't care anymore. Plus it's the time that I get my money. He says I always think about money. Money money money...is all I think about...
Me: Yes, This is the woman who only thinks about money...the gold digger...the one waiting to pounce on your vast fortune...Today is the 20th. So pls send the money. And perhaps to the other C-account as well so that I only bug you once a month instead of twice. Much appreciated. Ta! The Money Thinker.. H:No...u are not a money thinker...but u are one very noisy woman. will check my account.
Decided to go DARK DARK DARK....as DARK as I can muster... *Sigh* ...Did talk to my mom this morning for her advice. She said to just leave it. And see what happens when he comes back.
